Career vs. Vocation, and following your passion

Sometimes visiting my parents’ house brings back interesting memories.  Today I dropped by, and my mom showed me an invitation to my 14-year-old cousin’s 8^th grade graduation.  I find it totally impossible that little Jack who I held in my arms just yesterday (ok, in 1999) is now probably over 6 feet tall, smarter than most people I know, and graduating from 8^th grade!

I was thinking back to my own graduation.  It was a small class (13 people…it was a small, rural school), so each of us got a lot of attention.  We were all supposed to write something about our future plans, to be read by the emcee as we individually walked out into the audience to give our parents a rose.  I wrote that I would like to go to college after high school, and earn a degree in psychology.

I was thinking about how similar that is to what actually happened, and how that’s really not accidental at all.  I have this fantastic aunt who I admire and adore.  She is 9 years younger than my dad, and 17 years older than me, so closer to my age than most aunts are.  When I was in about 2^nd grade or so, she was in graduate school studying to be a counselor.  I remember asking my mom what a counselor was and what they do, and as my mom explained that to me, something just clicked for me, and I knew that’s what I wanted to do, or something similar.

It’s the difference between a career and a vocation.  A career is simply a professional path.  A vocation, in my mind, is part of you.  It is part of your calling, what you are meant to do and part of who you are meant to be.  Something at least marginally related to the world of counseling, I believe, is my vocation.  And I happened to be lucky enough to stumble across it at a young age.  And as I learned more about social work and what it is and how it relates to the field of counseling but is more specifically related to anti-oppression and social justice…I just feel so blessed to have been led into this field.  I feel like it fits my personality, and that it has also helped shape who I am.  I say “led into the field” rather than “stumbled into the field,” because as a Catholic Christian, I believe that God has been guiding me here all along, and He has specific work for me to do that I may not even know about yet.

To look back and think about all the ways I got to where I am now by twists and turns like a river just amazes me.

I specifically chose to apply to a Master’s of Social Work program because when I decided to really pursue a career as a counselor (more on that in a minute) I had a roommate who wanted to be a children’s play therapist, and she explained to me that in Oregon, you can only bill insurance for therapy (at least at the Master’s level) if you are licensed as a clinical social worker.  (That has since changed:  it changed during my first year in graduate school, which I did not get into until my third year of applying.  It sends shivers up my spine.  If that had happened one year earlier, I may have tried to become an LPC or an LMFT, but I am SO glad I ended up in social work!)

Even though I knew since elementary school that I wanted to be a counselor of some sort, I spent several years convinced that I wanted to do something else (Youth Ministry, to be specific).  I probably would have enjoyed it and everything, and it is a very important vocation, but I now believe that it just wasn’t mine.  In some ways it had elements of what I really wanted to be doing, and I was passionate about that too (and truthfully could have probably been quite happy doing it), but I now believe that it wasn’t what I was called to do.

The reason I gave up on the idea of being a counselor is so ridiculously silly (in retrospect, of course) that I almost hesitate to share the story of why.  It was all because of a conversation with an older cousin of mine, when I was probably 11 or 12.  This particular cousin is about as wonderful and positive of a person as you could imagine, and by no means would have said anything intentionally discouraging.   I was talking to her about my aunt and her job, and my cousin simply said (admiringly) “Yeah, it takes a special kind of person to do what Janet does.”  For some stupid ass reason, I interpreted this to mean that this kind of person was EXTREMELY rare, and then further analyzed it down to this rationale: There could not possibly be two people from the same family who could do that kind of job.  Janet was already doing it, so I was out, I should just pick something else to do with my life.  Kids are weird, and I was apparently an exceptionally weird one.  (Seriously…what the heck?)  What’s even weirder is that I held on to that for YEARS.  The comment my cousin made was not even remotely directed at me.  In fact, when I said at my 8^th grade graduation that I would like to earn a degree in psychology, I kinda just said that for something to say, still thinking I needed to choose something else.  When I finally realized that I really wanted to do counseling (or something related) and not youth ministry, I was 21 and on a retreat in college.  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I completely changed career paths in less than a minute, literally.  I spent the rest of the weekend SUPER EXCITED about my new plans, talked to an advisor that week when I got back to Corvallis, and changed my major from Spanish and Education (yes, these things did fit in with my Youth Ministry career goal) to Sociology, and I haven’t looked back since.

What I am really trying to say here is that I think we all have a vocation.  We all have ways in which our lives are given meaning, and which we give meaning to other people.  For some, this is through paid employment.  For others, it is through family life, volunteer work, or just who they are, perhaps a passionate hobby or something of the like.  Whatever that vocation is, it is bound to begin showing up in your life over and over, and it is unlikely to let go of you if you are unwilling to acknowledge and welcome it!  As a human being, you are precious, you are worth so much, and you have so much to give to others.  Be open to it!  All of what I just said is less a compliment/affirmation, and more of a challenge.  What are you going to do with your gifts?

As for me, my role right now isn’t explicitly counseling, and that’s ok.  I have an incredible opportunity to help women in a bad position make their lives a little better, worth living.  Sometimes I get worn out or irritable, and it is so important for me to return to work tomorrow (after a fantastic 4 day weekend) ready to remember my vocation, my calling, and to remember that I have something I need to give, as well as much to learn from the amazing women I get to work with.

My completely un-informed and non-scientific ideas about global warming

It seems that global warming has become a hot topic once again.  Apparently some group of scientists got together and 33% of them expressed an opinion on whether global warming is happening, and of those, 97% thinks it is.  Or at least, this is what I have gathered from facebook.

It seems to me that in the last 100-150 years, we have drastically increased the amount of nasty stuff we send floating off into the air, and it makes sense that we are harming the environment in some way, so it would not surprise me if human-caused global warming is happening.  You pretty much can't deny that exhaust fumes aren't exactly awesome for the air.  I remember being in 7th grade, and going on a trip to Disneyland where we flew into LAX.  We stepped outside, and I looked up wanting to drink in the sun...but the sky looked kind of brown.  I took a deep breath, and I could TASTE the air.  Blech.  It was that bad.  I tried to see if I could only take like 2 breaths per minute to avoid tasting it again, but that didn't last too long.

I know very little about environmental science, and I know that it's a jump from pollution to global warming.  So I'll just say that I don't know anything but I think global warming is possible.

However, for me in my day-to-day life, it doesn't really matter.  It's kind of like being a Christian and debating about whether creation happened in 7 days or whether the Genesis story is an allegory and God guided the process of evolution.  EITHER WAY, we believe that we were lovingly created by a divine being, right?  How He did it should have basically no bearing in how we worship Him or go about our daily lives.

In the same way, who cares how exactly our lives of waste and excess are affecting the environment--they are affecting it, and we each (me included!) need to think about what changes we can make to live more sustainably.

Not so sexist after all

Last night Zach and I continued along with our movie series at the Elsinore.  This one was from the early 1950’s, and it was called All About Eve.

On our way in, the theater handed us a program of sorts that included a few pages describing and somewhat dissecting the movie.  It mentioned that the movie probably wouldn’t play well in the modern era because of a particular line that is criticized as anti-feminist/anti-woman.

In the play, a 40 year old actress who has dedicated her long days and nights to her career,  says something to the effect that her life means nothing without a man in it.  On the surface level, that sounds pretty bad.  Before I met Zach, what I had to strive for was advancement in my career.  I also had great friends and family who gave my life meaning.  I wouldn’t say that life without him was meaningless, and certainly, it was not meaningless because of my gender.  However, in the context of the entire movie, it must be noted that she was talking about a particular man who had been her significant other for some time.

The character was not implying that her life lacked meaning because she was a woman, and women don’t matter if they are not attached to a man.  She was implying that there was someone who had stuck by her and pursued her even when she was being a pill, and that her life would be richer if she devoted some time to him.

It is one of the most basic human longings, to yearn for someone to share our lives with, someone we can trust, someone we can depend on long-term.  This is neither a uniquely male nor uniquely female desire, but a human desire.  And it is good.  Work is a part of our lives, and it is a good part of our lives, but it must be balanced by real connection and real love for our lives to have meaning.  Living simply to work is a disordered way of living.  While work can be a source of joy (and truly, I love my job) and a significant way to contribute to our communities, it is also a means of supporting the ones we love. 

I am not afraid to say that, while I feel proud of the work I’ve put into getting to where I’m at in a career I love, finding “the one” and having a (someday) family has always been a bigger goal to me than my career.  The reason the career came first is that attaining it was more within my control.  The fact that marriage/family is a more important goal to me might not be the “cool” thing to say, but it’s true, and I don’t feel it makes me any less a feminist.  I am sure there are plenty of men who prioritize their goals in similar ways, and ultimately I believe that this is a fundamentally good way of looking at things, and a sign that one’s priorities are in the right place.

As a side note, I would also like to add that there is a younger actress in this movie (“Eve”) who attempts to seduce the husbands of two women who are older than she is, and the husbands will have none of it.  They don’t even entertain the idea.  I don’t feel like I see very many shows or movies where this would be the case these days, and I found it refreshing.  (I also feel lucky and proud to have a fiancé who I believe with my whole heart is that kind of stand-up faithful man.)

Since a few weeks ago, I complained about how horrified I was that a movie from the 1950’s showcased domestic violence as both romantic and comedic, I felt that it was important to recognize that there is value to be gained from the culture of that particular decade.

The "Good Old Days"

I hear a lot of yearning for days gone by.  This is not just from people in my parents' and grandparents' generation, but peers as well.  Lots of posts on facebook reminisce about days when you played kickball out in the street until Mom called you in for dinner, and there were no cell phones or video games.  "Repost this list if you were born before 1985!" is not something hard to find.

Certainly, that reminiscing isn't without merit.  There are inherently good things about not having everything in life be available at your fingertips or open until 4am.  And we sure did connect in a more personal and genuine way when we couldn't hide behind email and text, and when we couldn't cancel on our friends at the last minute because they weren't carrying a phone around with them.  I definitely worry frequently about what my future children's lives will be like.  I don't want them having a cell phone or a social media account when they are 8 years old, but am I realistically going to be able to prevent those things?

However, my thesis statement of this post is that there are things about the modern era that are better than past eras.  Racial segregation comes immediately to mind.  In the not-so-distant past, interracial marriage was illegal in many parts of the country.  (HORRIFYING thought, if you ask me).

Here's another example.  Last night Zach and I went to the first installment of a weekly film series at the Elsinore Theater in downtown Salem.  They were showing "The Quiet Man," which is a 1952 movie starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara.  In many ways it is a charming movie about good old-fashioned romance.  The protagonist sweeps into town, romances a pretty girl, and works at asking for her hand in marriage.

The movie also has a significant darker side.  Throughout the second half of the movie, the plot revolves around a newlywed conflict.  The new bride refuses to consummate the marriage because the protagonist fails to procure some treasured/sentimental belongings.  While this may be immature and unloving behavior, part of his reaction is to grab her, slam her against a wall, and force an unwanted kiss on her while roughly holding her head by her hair.  He then picks her up and throws her on the bed with such force that the bed frame falls apart.  I half-expected that he was going to rape her, and was relieved when he did not.  (Credit where credit is due: he does take the chivalrous course of sleeping in the living room on the floor in a sleeping bag, instead of on the busted bed with her.)

Roughing up a woman and forcing a kiss on her is NOT romantic.

The plot continues with her running away because he will not demand her dowry from her brother (again, bratty behavior on the part of the woman...).  he chases her down, then physically drags her all through town while a large crowd is following them.  They are watching, cheering as he drags her along the ground, occasionally slapping/shoving her.  He then brings her to her brother, shoves her at him, and says that if the brother won't give up the money, he can have his sister back.  This would be one thing if the purpose of this scene was to highlight how wrong it is to view a woman as a possession or how wrong spousal violence is, but this scene was intended as comedy (and was accompanied by laughs from much of the audience.  Since they were from a different generation, I did my best to be understanding about this).

While watching this scene, I could feel my chest constrict and my face get flushed.  Maureen O'Hara's character was not being a good or loving wife, but violence is NEVER an acceptable response except as reasonable self defense.  I felt horrified that this was ever seen as comedy and not abuse, and I feel grateful that this kind of scene passed off as "comedy" today would launch an outrage.

I do still think that racial and gender inequality are problems in the modern world, but I thank God they are less problematic than they were a couple of generations ago, back in the "good old days."

Perhaps one generation or era is not better than another, but instead each generation or era has its own strengths and weaknesses: things to be proud of, and things to work on.

Feel free to belt out the Joan Osborn song as necessary...

On Saturday afternoon, my fiance and I were relaxing and flipping through some TV channels.  We paused for a bit on a station that was playing The Passion of the Christ.  We talked a little bit about the movie itself, and then Zach asked me the greatest question:

"If Jesus came back to Earth today, in 2013, what would it take for you to believe it was him?"

Yikes!

I would like to say that I am so attuned to my faith and my prayer life that I would just know, the way some people "just know" early on in a new relationship that they have found "the one."

The truth?  My analytical side would be grinding its gears, trying to figure out what to make of things.  Being a still-new-ish social worker in a psychiatric hospital, I sometimes thing I get a little "diagnosis-happy" and perceive mental illness where it is not.  So my first thought about anyone claiming to be Jesus would most likely be schizophrenic.  Ouch.

But what if he performed an unexplainable miracle?  Truth is, I would still probably be poking at it, trying to find a scientific explanation for whatever happened.  Also, if, for example, someone was healed from an incurable disease, I might credit that to a miracle, but I might still not believe that the person claiming to be Jesus was Jesus.

So, anyway, it is a great question and I have to say that I don't know how to answer it.  Part of me is pretty defensive of my beliefs and I might doubt partially BECAUSE being Catholic is so important to me and I wouldn't want any old schmoe out there claiming to be Jesus.

I'm curious to see what other Christians make of this question.  Or non-Christians too.

Good question, honey.

How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but the lightbulb has to want to change.

How Not To Motivate Someone To Change

A lot of people don’t really understand what I do.  “Social work” is kind of vague, because it can take on many forms.  It is commonly associated with being a child welfare caseworker, which I used to do, but have (mostly happily, but that’s another story) left behind.  Social workers can also be clinicians (therapists, which is my eventual goal), they can be community organizers, they can be administrators (like the current superintendent of the hospital for which I work).  In hospital settings, they are commonly associated with making sure a person has access to all possible helpful resources once they leave the hospital.  This is more along the lines of what I do currently.  However, since I do not work in the transition unit, I do not handle many discharges back to the community.  Therefore, a lot of my work has to do with preparing (and motivating) the women I work with to move forward in treatment so they can get movement privileges (being able to be outside the secure perimeter of the hospital with certain ratios of staffing) and move on to the transition unit, where they can prepare to be released back into the community.

I know a little about motivating.  I know more about what doesn’t work to motivate, and unfortunately, sometimes what doesn’t motivate are tools we’ve used in our own lives that don’t really work that well, at least in the long term.  I’m going to go over a few of them now.

Shame
Using shame to motivate someone to change seems so rational, doesn’t it?  It is easy for us to use, because if we want the motivatee to change, there is a reason for our displeasure with them.  And it sure seems like if we could only emphasize to them how displeasing their current actions or habits are, and make them feel a little social pain for it (whether it is in front of only us, or many others), they will want to avoid that kind of discomfort in the future, so they will change.

The problem with this “logic” is that when a person feels shame, they often internalize the experience.  For instance, if one of my patients was caught with contraband, and we as the treatment team made a big show of telling the whole ward that Patient A was caught with contraband for the 5^th time this month, and should be thought of as criminal, this will often serve to reinforce Patient A’s identity as a criminal, and will therefore likely make her more resistive to change since she now considers criminality to be just a part of what she is.  (Side note: No doubt these sorts of tactics have been tried during the state hospital’s past, but currently this sort of practice would be seen as a violation of confidentiality and highly abusive.  I have never seen this kind of shaming tried as a therapeutic tool, and I would be very surprised if one of my colleagues even suggested it).

So why do we shame?  We shame because it helps us vent our frustrations.  It helps us show the shamee how frustrated we feel by their actions, and we hope that they will take compassion on how they have hurt us, or so dislike the sensation of being shamed, that they will change their course in the future.

Nagging
Nagging is another ineffective tool for motivating.  Again, it is one that seems rational and intuitive when we try to use it.  Our logic is that if we continue to remind the motivee about the change we want them to make (over, and over, and over again…) they will be thinking of it more frequently (as well as our desire for them to make the change) and therefore eventually they will be reminded enough times that they will just snap and change because they are thinking of it so much and because they want to get you off their back!

The flaw here is that we rarely want to please people who annoy us.  Occasionally, we might make a change in the moment to silence the nagging, but if the change is made purely for this purpose, it is unlikely to be a sustained change.  Nagging, more often than not, leads to resentment on the part of both parties, which does not lead to any kind of change that you want to see happen.

Thinking that you can force someone to change
Spoiler alert: You can’t.  The person has to first want to change, and beyond that, the person’s situation needs to be one where they can make the change.  (One thing that could fit in this section is “doing it for them.”  That’s called enabling and it, also, hinders real change most of the time.) If everyone who wanted to make a change was able to do so, we would all be Calvin Klein models.  Right??  Think about a habit you want to change, whether it’s how you spend money, how much you work out, how you eat, smoking, waking up the first time your alarm clock goes off…pretty much any change you can think of that you want to make, but seem to be stuck on.  Now, imagine I came to you, REALLY wanting you to make this change, and asked you “How can I make you change this behavior?”  You would look at me funny, and tell me that I can’t make you do anything.  And you would be right.  Now imagine I were to come to you in a compassionate way, and say something like “I understand that you are struggling in this area, and I know that changing bad habits is really difficult.  How can I be most supportive of you?”  You may not have any answers off the top of your head, but you would probably feel more supported and cared for.  Sometimes that in itself is motivating.  Which leads me to my next section:

How to motivate someone to change

So, I’ve taken some of your go-to (even if you do it subconsciously) tools off the table for you.  (You probably use some of them in your life.  I think we all do.  Like I explained, they seem logical, rational, intuitive.  They just usually also don’t work.)  So, what does work?  I’m going to go through some tactics, and you may be surprised to learn (or not) that these things are somewhat opposite of the things that DON’T work.

Affirmation
As part of being on one of 3 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy units at the hospital, I go to a monthly half-day training on DBT concepts.  One of these half-days was all focused on how to create an environment of positive change.  The big take-home message I got from that day was that people loved to be praised.  We just do, even if in certain circumstances it feels uncomfortable.  The trainer told us “Look for when your patients are doing things the right way, and then praise the shit out of them!”  We also did an exercise that pointed out that sometimes people will do the right thing just by happenstance, and we should look for any time that the motivatee does something right, and “praise the shit out of them”, especially when they are in the beginning stages of change.  (As the habits become more developed, you can stop praising every little thing.)  And be sincere, otherwise it’s just another form of shaming (see above).

OMG Don’t nag!!
Don’t.  Bite your tongue.  Remember, nagging leads to resentment from both parties.  You don’t want that!!  If you want your husband to take out the garbage when it gets full, tell him once.  He heard you the first time.  Better than telling him, ask nicely.  Use I-statements.  (“I grew up in a household where my dad showed love for my mom by doing little things like taking out the garbage, and it would make me feel loved if you took out the garbage for me.”)  Then wait.  Don’t ask him to do it twice per week.  Don’t passive-aggressively leave bags out on the front porch for him to take.  (Although tying up the bag, putting it on the front porch, and addressing it, saying “Hey honey, I got the bag of trash already to go, could you take it out on your way out the door?” is acceptable, as long as you are sincere.)  Then, when he does it…refer to the first heading in this section! (Hint: praise!)

Assess the person’s readiness to change.  Help them (as long as it’s appropriate for the relationship) figure out what goal they want to achieve, and how their current behaviors are not helping them get there.
The key to doing this effectively is doing it without judgment.  Otherwise we’re back to shaming.  It has to be a very dry, impersonal, almost mathematical look at the situation.  For more on this, do a google search on “Motivational Interviewing.”  It is what’s called an Evidence-Based Practice, meaning clinical trials have shown it to be effective in promoting positive change.

Finally, Ghandi once said that you have to be the change you want to see in the world.  Don’t expect someone else to do something you are unwilling to. And if someone you love wants you to make a change that you know will be positive…do take steps toward making that change.  Michael Jackson had something to say about all of this too. Start with the man in the mirror

And some resources:

A cursory explanation of motivational interviewing

A great read on using positive and negative reinforcement and punishment in effecting change

Post-Palm Sunday mass addendum:
We must believe in the possibility of positive change.  Otherwise, Good Friday and Easter are meaningless.

The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Like...

I have a lot of political opinions, many of which stem from the fact that I am a social worker.  What doesn’t get mentioned enough is that I am pretty much a social worker because I am Catholic, and because I am Catholic I believe in life and the dignity of the human person.  So as much as I love my profession, I am Catholic first.

I’ve always had lots of amazing friends who were Catholic (and otherwise Christian) who really enhanced my spirituality and prayer life.  But when I went to college at OSU when I was 20, for the first time ever, I gained a large group of friends who were not particularly religious.  I’ve always been able to get along with a variety of people, so that in itself is not surprising.  What I didn’t know when I was first getting to know these people is that they would also encourage my spiritual life in ways that I couldn’t have possibly guessed nearly a decade ago.

Even though there have been a few rifts in the group, on the whole there is this closeness between us that is hard to explain.  It’s just one of those situations where words fail me.  While we were still in college, I was living with some other friends of mine, and we decided to throw a huge party, and all invite our friends from other areas of our lives.  Those roommates observed that this group of friends (who I will refer to as my “Dixon” friends because we met when most of us were living in Dixon Lodge) seemed unusually close.  They said “You guys seem like a family.”  And for a long time, that’s how I’ve felt about these friends.  When I’m around them, I feel appreciated and loved for who I am, and I appreciate and love all of them, just for who they are.  I’ve told them on camping trips around the campfire that through their love and support in my life, they have been Christ to me.  Since most of them are not Christian, I was hesitant to say that at first for fear it might offend them, but they know me and they seemed to understand that from me, that was really an affirmation of how I feel about them.

Last night, one of these friends married a beautiful and just amazing lady.  I am totally crazy about her and was pretty excited to welcome her into our “family” with open arms.  She loves him for exactly who he is, and her love makes him a better man.  Last night, as I watched him hold her hands and look into her eyes and give her his vows, I felt spiritually “full.”  I don’t know how to describe the feeling fully except to say that I felt like I was brimming with pride for him.  He has always just been a great guy, but she brings out the very best in him, and watching him last night felt like I was seeing the “him” that he’s always longed to be.

I spent the rest of the evening celebrating and spending time with my Dixon friends, and again, it just made me feel spiritually full to the brim.  I laughed, I caught up, I met the girlfriend of one of them (and she’s awesome!), I spent time with all of them who were there, and just felt re-affirmed as a person.  I went home and dreamt that the reception just went on and on and I woke up so happy today.  I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it was to be with those friends, rejoicing in a wonderful life-changing event for two of those friends!

Last month, I visited another great friend of mine, who will be my matron of honor later this year.  She lives in Lawrence, Kansas and much of her recreation is focused around the KU Jayhawks.  She was talking about how she was at mass one Sunday, and the priest’s homily mentioned KU and how after big wins, the streets of Lawrence flood with happy fans who celebrate together.  He was relating this to heaven, and how when we are in heaven, we will all be celebrating and rejoicing together:  not just singing softly in some pew, but also running around joyfully and boisterously, sharing in joy together.  Being a sports fan myself, I rather enjoyed that image and it made me excited about going home to heaven after this life is over.

I have to say that for me, last night was also reminiscent of what I think heaven will be.  There will be much rejoicing, but there will also be a sense of intimacy.  We will be reunited with those we love, and we will be reunited over something great.  (In that case the something great will be that we will finally be in full communion with God, but personally I think the union formed by a wedding makes a great analogy!)  And this makes me even more excited to eventually get to my eternal Home.

Finally, I don’t know if Will and Caroline will ever see this, but if you do, just know that your wedding touched me deeply, and I am so excited for the new life you are starting!  Caroline, you are the perfect addition to our crazy “family,” and even more importantly, the best match for Will any of us could have dreamed up.  Will, one of my favorite things about our friendship is that we can give each other crap about everything, but for once here I will be sincere:  you are an amazing friend and human being, and the fact that you and Caroline found each other just makes me indescribably happy!  You both deserve this kind of love!