On Saturday afternoon, my fiance and I were relaxing and flipping through some TV channels. We paused for a bit on a station that was playing The Passion of the Christ. We talked a little bit about the movie itself, and then Zach asked me the greatest question:
"If Jesus came back to Earth today, in 2013, what would it take for you to believe it was him?"
Yikes!
I would like to say that I am so attuned to my faith and my prayer life that I would just know, the way some people "just know" early on in a new relationship that they have found "the one."
The truth? My analytical side would be grinding its gears, trying to figure out what to make of things. Being a still-new-ish social worker in a psychiatric hospital, I sometimes thing I get a little "diagnosis-happy" and perceive mental illness where it is not. So my first thought about anyone claiming to be Jesus would most likely be schizophrenic. Ouch.
But what if he performed an unexplainable miracle? Truth is, I would still probably be poking at it, trying to find a scientific explanation for whatever happened. Also, if, for example, someone was healed from an incurable disease, I might credit that to a miracle, but I might still not believe that the person claiming to be Jesus was Jesus.
So, anyway, it is a great question and I have to say that I don't know how to answer it. Part of me is pretty defensive of my beliefs and I might doubt partially BECAUSE being Catholic is so important to me and I wouldn't want any old schmoe out there claiming to be Jesus.
I'm curious to see what other Christians make of this question. Or non-Christians too.
Good question, honey.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Sunday, March 24, 2013
How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but the lightbulb has to want to change.
How Not To Motivate Someone To Change
A lot of people don’t really understand what I do. “Social work” is kind of vague, because it can take on many forms. It is commonly associated with being a child welfare caseworker, which I used to do, but have (mostly happily, but that’s another story) left behind. Social workers can also be clinicians (therapists, which is my eventual goal), they can be community organizers, they can be administrators (like the current superintendent of the hospital for which I work). In hospital settings, they are commonly associated with making sure a person has access to all possible helpful resources once they leave the hospital. This is more along the lines of what I do currently. However, since I do not work in the transition unit, I do not handle many discharges back to the community. Therefore, a lot of my work has to do with preparing (and motivating) the women I work with to move forward in treatment so they can get movement privileges (being able to be outside the secure perimeter of the hospital with certain ratios of staffing) and move on to the transition unit, where they can prepare to be released back into the community.
I know a little about motivating. I know more about what doesn’t work to motivate, and unfortunately, sometimes what doesn’t motivate are tools we’ve used in our own lives that don’t really work that well, at least in the long term. I’m going to go over a few of them now.
Shame
Using shame to motivate someone to change seems so rational, doesn’t it? It is easy for us to use, because if we want the motivatee to change, there is a reason for our displeasure with them. And it sure seems like if we could only emphasize to them how displeasing their current actions or habits are, and make them feel a little social pain for it (whether it is in front of only us, or many others), they will want to avoid that kind of discomfort in the future, so they will change.
A lot of people don’t really understand what I do. “Social work” is kind of vague, because it can take on many forms. It is commonly associated with being a child welfare caseworker, which I used to do, but have (mostly happily, but that’s another story) left behind. Social workers can also be clinicians (therapists, which is my eventual goal), they can be community organizers, they can be administrators (like the current superintendent of the hospital for which I work). In hospital settings, they are commonly associated with making sure a person has access to all possible helpful resources once they leave the hospital. This is more along the lines of what I do currently. However, since I do not work in the transition unit, I do not handle many discharges back to the community. Therefore, a lot of my work has to do with preparing (and motivating) the women I work with to move forward in treatment so they can get movement privileges (being able to be outside the secure perimeter of the hospital with certain ratios of staffing) and move on to the transition unit, where they can prepare to be released back into the community.
I know a little about motivating. I know more about what doesn’t work to motivate, and unfortunately, sometimes what doesn’t motivate are tools we’ve used in our own lives that don’t really work that well, at least in the long term. I’m going to go over a few of them now.
Shame
Using shame to motivate someone to change seems so rational, doesn’t it? It is easy for us to use, because if we want the motivatee to change, there is a reason for our displeasure with them. And it sure seems like if we could only emphasize to them how displeasing their current actions or habits are, and make them feel a little social pain for it (whether it is in front of only us, or many others), they will want to avoid that kind of discomfort in the future, so they will change.
The problem with this “logic” is that when a person feels
shame, they often internalize the experience.
For instance, if one of my patients was caught with contraband, and we
as the treatment team made a big show of telling the whole ward that Patient A
was caught with contraband for the 5th time this month, and should
be thought of as criminal, this will often serve to reinforce Patient A’s identity
as a criminal, and will therefore likely make her more resistive to change
since she now considers criminality to be just a part of what she is. (Side note: No doubt these sorts of tactics
have been tried during the state hospital’s past, but currently this sort of practice
would be seen as a violation of confidentiality and highly abusive. I have never seen this kind of shaming tried
as a therapeutic tool, and I would be very surprised if one of my colleagues
even suggested it).
So why do we shame?
We shame because it helps us vent our frustrations. It helps us show the shamee how frustrated we
feel by their actions, and we hope that they will take compassion on how they
have hurt us, or so dislike the sensation of being shamed, that they will
change their course in the future.
Nagging
Nagging is another ineffective tool for motivating. Again, it is one that seems rational and intuitive when we try to use it. Our logic is that if we continue to remind the motivee about the change we want them to make (over, and over, and over again…) they will be thinking of it more frequently (as well as our desire for them to make the change) and therefore eventually they will be reminded enough times that they will just snap and change because they are thinking of it so much and because they want to get you off their back!
Nagging is another ineffective tool for motivating. Again, it is one that seems rational and intuitive when we try to use it. Our logic is that if we continue to remind the motivee about the change we want them to make (over, and over, and over again…) they will be thinking of it more frequently (as well as our desire for them to make the change) and therefore eventually they will be reminded enough times that they will just snap and change because they are thinking of it so much and because they want to get you off their back!
The flaw here is that we rarely want to please people who
annoy us. Occasionally, we might make a
change in the moment to silence the nagging, but if the change is made purely
for this purpose, it is unlikely to be a sustained change. Nagging, more often than not, leads to
resentment on the part of both parties, which does not lead to any kind of
change that you want to see happen.
Thinking that you can
force someone to change
Spoiler alert: You can’t. The person has to first want to change, and beyond that, the person’s situation needs to be one where they can make the change. (One thing that could fit in this section is “doing it for them.” That’s called enabling and it, also, hinders real change most of the time.) If everyone who wanted to make a change was able to do so, we would all be Calvin Klein models. Right?? Think about a habit you want to change, whether it’s how you spend money, how much you work out, how you eat, smoking, waking up the first time your alarm clock goes off…pretty much any change you can think of that you want to make, but seem to be stuck on. Now, imagine I came to you, REALLY wanting you to make this change, and asked you “How can I make you change this behavior?” You would look at me funny, and tell me that I can’t make you do anything. And you would be right. Now imagine I were to come to you in a compassionate way, and say something like “I understand that you are struggling in this area, and I know that changing bad habits is really difficult. How can I be most supportive of you?” You may not have any answers off the top of your head, but you would probably feel more supported and cared for. Sometimes that in itself is motivating. Which leads me to my next section:
Spoiler alert: You can’t. The person has to first want to change, and beyond that, the person’s situation needs to be one where they can make the change. (One thing that could fit in this section is “doing it for them.” That’s called enabling and it, also, hinders real change most of the time.) If everyone who wanted to make a change was able to do so, we would all be Calvin Klein models. Right?? Think about a habit you want to change, whether it’s how you spend money, how much you work out, how you eat, smoking, waking up the first time your alarm clock goes off…pretty much any change you can think of that you want to make, but seem to be stuck on. Now, imagine I came to you, REALLY wanting you to make this change, and asked you “How can I make you change this behavior?” You would look at me funny, and tell me that I can’t make you do anything. And you would be right. Now imagine I were to come to you in a compassionate way, and say something like “I understand that you are struggling in this area, and I know that changing bad habits is really difficult. How can I be most supportive of you?” You may not have any answers off the top of your head, but you would probably feel more supported and cared for. Sometimes that in itself is motivating. Which leads me to my next section:
So, I’ve taken some of your go-to (even if you do it
subconsciously) tools off the table for you.
(You probably use some of them in your life. I think we all do. Like I explained, they seem logical,
rational, intuitive. They just usually
also don’t work.) So, what does
work? I’m going to go through some
tactics, and you may be surprised to learn (or not) that these things are
somewhat opposite of the things that DON’T work.
Affirmation
As part of being on one of 3 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy units at the hospital, I go to a monthly half-day training on DBT concepts. One of these half-days was all focused on how to create an environment of positive change. The big take-home message I got from that day was that people loved to be praised. We just do, even if in certain circumstances it feels uncomfortable. The trainer told us “Look for when your patients are doing things the right way, and then praise the shit out of them!” We also did an exercise that pointed out that sometimes people will do the right thing just by happenstance, and we should look for any time that the motivatee does something right, and “praise the shit out of them”, especially when they are in the beginning stages of change. (As the habits become more developed, you can stop praising every little thing.) And be sincere, otherwise it’s just another form of shaming (see above).
As part of being on one of 3 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy units at the hospital, I go to a monthly half-day training on DBT concepts. One of these half-days was all focused on how to create an environment of positive change. The big take-home message I got from that day was that people loved to be praised. We just do, even if in certain circumstances it feels uncomfortable. The trainer told us “Look for when your patients are doing things the right way, and then praise the shit out of them!” We also did an exercise that pointed out that sometimes people will do the right thing just by happenstance, and we should look for any time that the motivatee does something right, and “praise the shit out of them”, especially when they are in the beginning stages of change. (As the habits become more developed, you can stop praising every little thing.) And be sincere, otherwise it’s just another form of shaming (see above).
OMG Don’t nag!!
Don’t. Bite your tongue. Remember, nagging leads to resentment from both parties. You don’t want that!! If you want your husband to take out the garbage when it gets full, tell him once. He heard you the first time. Better than telling him, ask nicely. Use I-statements. (“I grew up in a household where my dad showed love for my mom by doing little things like taking out the garbage, and it would make me feel loved if you took out the garbage for me.”) Then wait. Don’t ask him to do it twice per week. Don’t passive-aggressively leave bags out on the front porch for him to take. (Although tying up the bag, putting it on the front porch, and addressing it, saying “Hey honey, I got the bag of trash already to go, could you take it out on your way out the door?” is acceptable, as long as you are sincere.) Then, when he does it…refer to the first heading in this section! (Hint: praise!)
Don’t. Bite your tongue. Remember, nagging leads to resentment from both parties. You don’t want that!! If you want your husband to take out the garbage when it gets full, tell him once. He heard you the first time. Better than telling him, ask nicely. Use I-statements. (“I grew up in a household where my dad showed love for my mom by doing little things like taking out the garbage, and it would make me feel loved if you took out the garbage for me.”) Then wait. Don’t ask him to do it twice per week. Don’t passive-aggressively leave bags out on the front porch for him to take. (Although tying up the bag, putting it on the front porch, and addressing it, saying “Hey honey, I got the bag of trash already to go, could you take it out on your way out the door?” is acceptable, as long as you are sincere.) Then, when he does it…refer to the first heading in this section! (Hint: praise!)
Assess the person’s
readiness to change. Help them (as long
as it’s appropriate for the relationship) figure out what goal they want to
achieve, and how their current behaviors are not helping them get there.
The key to doing this effectively is doing it without judgment. Otherwise we’re back to shaming. It has to be a very dry, impersonal, almost mathematical look at the situation. For more on this, do a google search on “Motivational Interviewing.” It is what’s called an Evidence-Based Practice, meaning clinical trials have shown it to be effective in promoting positive change.
The key to doing this effectively is doing it without judgment. Otherwise we’re back to shaming. It has to be a very dry, impersonal, almost mathematical look at the situation. For more on this, do a google search on “Motivational Interviewing.” It is what’s called an Evidence-Based Practice, meaning clinical trials have shown it to be effective in promoting positive change.
Finally, Ghandi once said that you have to be the change you
want to see in the world. Don’t expect
someone else to do something you are unwilling to. And if someone you love
wants you to make a change that you know will be positive…do take steps toward
making that change. Michael Jackson had
something to say about all of this too. Start with the man in the mirror
And some resources:
And some resources:
A great read on using positive and negative reinforcement and punishment in effecting change
Post-Palm Sunday mass addendum:
We must believe in the possibility of positive change. Otherwise, Good Friday and Easter are meaningless.
Post-Palm Sunday mass addendum:
We must believe in the possibility of positive change. Otherwise, Good Friday and Easter are meaningless.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The Kingdom Of Heaven Is Like...
I have a lot of political opinions, many of which stem from
the fact that I am a social worker. What
doesn’t get mentioned enough is that I am pretty much a social worker because I
am Catholic, and because I am Catholic I believe in life and the dignity of the
human person. So as much as I love my
profession, I am Catholic first.
I’ve always had lots of amazing friends who were Catholic
(and otherwise Christian) who really enhanced my spirituality and prayer life. But when I went to college at OSU when I was
20, for the first time ever, I gained a large group of friends who were not
particularly religious. I’ve always been
able to get along with a variety of people, so that in itself is not surprising. What I didn’t know when I was first getting
to know these people is that they would also encourage my spiritual life in
ways that I couldn’t have possibly guessed nearly a decade ago.
Even though there have been a few rifts in the group, on the
whole there is this closeness between us that is hard to explain. It’s just one of those situations where words
fail me. While we were still in college,
I was living with some other friends of mine, and we decided to throw a huge
party, and all invite our friends from other areas of our lives. Those roommates observed that this group of
friends (who I will refer to as my “Dixon” friends because we met when most of
us were living in Dixon Lodge) seemed unusually close. They said “You guys seem like a family.” And for a long time, that’s how I’ve felt
about these friends. When I’m around
them, I feel appreciated and loved for who I am, and I appreciate and love all
of them, just for who they are. I’ve
told them on camping trips around the campfire that through their love and
support in my life, they have been Christ to me. Since most of them are not Christian, I was
hesitant to say that at first for fear it might offend them, but they know me
and they seemed to understand that from me, that was really an affirmation of
how I feel about them.
Last night, one of these friends married a beautiful and
just amazing lady. I am totally crazy
about her and was pretty excited to welcome her into our “family” with open
arms. She loves him for exactly who he
is, and her love makes him a better man.
Last night, as I watched him hold her hands and look into her eyes and
give her his vows, I felt spiritually “full.”
I don’t know how to describe the feeling fully except to say that I felt
like I was brimming with pride for him.
He has always just been a great guy, but she brings out the very best in
him, and watching him last night felt like I was seeing the “him” that he’s always
longed to be.
I spent the rest of the evening celebrating and spending
time with my Dixon friends, and again, it just made me feel spiritually full to
the brim. I laughed, I caught up, I met
the girlfriend of one of them (and she’s awesome!), I spent time with all of
them who were there, and just felt re-affirmed as a person. I went home and dreamt that the reception
just went on and on and I woke up so happy today. I couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome it
was to be with those friends, rejoicing in a wonderful life-changing event for
two of those friends!
Last month, I visited another great friend of mine, who will
be my matron of honor later this year.
She lives in Lawrence, Kansas and much of her recreation is focused
around the KU Jayhawks. She was talking
about how she was at mass one Sunday, and the priest’s homily mentioned KU and
how after big wins, the streets of Lawrence flood with happy fans who celebrate
together. He was relating this to
heaven, and how when we are in heaven, we will all be celebrating and rejoicing
together: not just singing softly in
some pew, but also running around joyfully and boisterously, sharing in joy
together. Being a sports fan myself, I
rather enjoyed that image and it made me excited about going home to heaven
after this life is over.
I have to say that for me, last night was also reminiscent
of what I think heaven will be. There
will be much rejoicing, but there will also be a sense of intimacy. We will be reunited with those we love, and
we will be reunited over something great.
(In that case the something great will be that we will finally be in
full communion with God, but personally I think the union formed by a wedding
makes a great analogy!) And this makes
me even more excited to eventually get to my eternal Home.
Finally, I don’t know if Will and Caroline will ever see
this, but if you do, just know that your wedding touched me deeply, and I am so
excited for the new life you are starting!
Caroline, you are the perfect addition to our crazy “family,” and even
more importantly, the best match for Will any of us could have dreamed up. Will, one of my favorite things about our
friendship is that we can give each other crap about everything, but for once
here I will be sincere: you are an
amazing friend and human being, and the fact that you and Caroline found each
other just makes me indescribably happy!
You both deserve this kind of love!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Some information on common eating disorders
Quick note: Current and past sufferers of one or more of the disorders mentioned, I am interested in your feedback on what I have written. Any feedback is welcome, but I am especially interested in your thoughts on how someone who loves you can be helpful. Please feel free to provide your feedback anonymously here:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/DL7QZM2
Considering I work in mental health, and especially since I work with primarily women, I want to bring to the forefront that this is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Eating disorders are common, and while there is a lot of common knowledge about them, there are also many misperceptions about them, and a lot of mystery remains around how to help when someone you love is struggling with one.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/DL7QZM2
Considering I work in mental health, and especially since I work with primarily women, I want to bring to the forefront that this is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. Eating disorders are common, and while there is a lot of common knowledge about them, there are also many misperceptions about them, and a lot of mystery remains around how to help when someone you love is struggling with one.
Three common eating disorders can be thought of as falling somewhere along a continuum, but for purposes of this post today, I am going to refer to them in these three separate categories. There are other types of eating disorders that do not fall along this continuum which are more rare or not well-researched yet (for instance, pica which is the eating of substances not thought of as food such as paper or dirt, and orthorexia which is an obsession with eating certain kinds of foods) which I am not going to cover here, largely because I know little about them and their causes and treatments.
The three eating disorders that I am going to write about here are Anorexia Nervosa, Bulimia Nervosa, and Binge Eating Disorder.
Binge Eating Disorder
Binge Eating Disorder is the most common of the three, and the one in which there is more equality between men and women in who suffers from the disorder. An important thing to recognize about this disorder is that not all (by a long shot) overweight people have it. Conversely, not all people who have it are even overweight. BED is characterized by having at least 2 episodes per week of binge eating. Binge eating means that a person is eating out of control, long past the point of being satiated or even over-full. (To contrast, the majority of people who become overweight do so over long periods of time by eating just a little too much here and there.) BED is also characterized by an obsessive fixation on food; thinking about it throughout the day, thinking about when they can be alone and get enough food so they can binge. The inception of the disorder may actually be brought about by overly stringent dieting. There are many causes of the disorder, but often it comes down to seeking comfort from either the food itself or the ritual of binging, or both.
If you suspect someone you love is suffering from the disorder, it can be difficult to bring it up because of the emphasis our culture puts on being at a low weight. It is important to know, however, that eating thousands (or tens of thousands) of calories in a short period of time, especially when repeated with frequency, is dangerous. It puts a lot of strain and pressure on several different body systems, most notably the digestive system and even the cardiovascular system. While the weight gain that is likely to be caused by the disorder can be hard on the body, the overall practice itself is unhealthy. If you know for sure that someone you love is binging, either because you have seen it or because that person tells you, you can focus on the binging behavior itself as harmful without lecturing the person about the effects of weight gain and obesity. (Chances are, they are probably well aware of both, but you can more easily align with them if you can support them in changing the behavior rather than pressuring them to lose weight.) As with anything, it is important to take a supportive, rather than a controlling stance. Leave the lifestyle and medical decisions up to a professional. Unless you are the parent of a minor child, or unless you have permission/instructions from the person and/or their therapist/medical professional, do not attempt to put them under surveillance to minimize the likelihood of the binge behavior occurring: this is likely to alienate them. What you can do is encourage the person to become involved in counseling. It is likely that their self-esteem has been damaged by the disorder, and that they feel shame surrounding their binge behavior. It will be helpful for them to meet with a professional who can help them uncover the need that is being met by this behavior (and there is a need being met, otherwise they wouldn’t be doing it), and explore healthier ways of meeting the need. The experience can also help them normalize the behavior, thereby reducing the shame around it.
Bulimia Nervosa
Bulimia is akin to the unhappy median of Binge Eating Disorder and Anorexia Nervosa. A key aspect of Bulimia that must be present in order to diagnose the disorder is binging. Eating a normal or small amount of food and then being scared of gaining weight from it, then attempting to vomit is not Bulimia Nervosa. In combination with some other behaviors it may be Anorexia Nervosa, or it may be a category known as ED-NOS (Eating Disorder-Not Otherwise Specified), which may fall anywhere along the continuum described here. No, characteristic of Bulimia Nervosa is binging and purging. Purging itself may also take several forms. It is most commonly thought of as a forced vomiting of food, but it can also materialize as laxative abuse or excessive exercise. But the bottom line is, for it to be bulimia, binging AND purging must occur.
Sufferers of bulimia are quite commonly at a normal-looking weight, but can sometimes be slightly under- or over-weight. Sufferers are, like sufferers of anorexia (which is covered below), normally fixated on weight, appearance, calories, consumption and subsequent expulsion of food/calories. Bulimia has a high comorbidity rate, which means that sufferers of bulimia are likely to be concurrently suffering from another psychiatric disorder such as anxiety, substance dependence, and impulse control difficulties.
Bulimia Nervosa may be difficult to detect in a loved one based on body size, but it is likely that you will notice evidence of the person being overly harsh or critical of his or her size or figure. Dissatisfaction with self can be difficult to hide when a person is also focusing on many other things. The person may be very ritualistic about his or her eating habits, and may eat very little when in the presence of others in preparation for a binge. If you are concerned that someone you love may be suffering from this disorder, realize that while you can be compassionate and caring, you cannot change their behavior and you should not try unless the sufferer or their doctor or therapist ask for your intervention/accountability. The best thing you can do is to gently voice your concern, and offer your support.
Anorexia Nervosa
Anorexia Nervosa is characterized by a refusal to consume sufficient amounts of sustenance (food) in order to either lose weight or maintain a very low body weight. There are several diagnostic criteria that must be met in order for a person to be diagnosed as “anorexic” (such as a loss of menses in women, body weight that falls below a certain point, as well as the obsession with food/calories and exercise, and an unrealistic expectation for the sufferer’s own body weight), but a person can be suffering from anorexia before the exact weight or loss of menses occurs.
A person suffering from Anorexia often believes that as he or she becomes further removed from food, that the person’s thinking becomes clearer. There are physiological reasons for this. Starvation is likely to cause a “high” feeling, or a feeling of elation or happiness. Also, because the body has gone into “survival mode,” thinking becomes more “black and white” to simplify things. Therefore, the person is not thinking more clearly, but sees things as black and white, which makes decisions easier. (And for a person who already associates food with fat, and fat with “bad,” it further solidifies the resolve to avoid food.)
If, in someone you love, you notice a steep drop-off in their weight, or an obsession with going to the gym, or if they are finding all sorts of excuses to skip meals, it is worth looking into whether they may be suffering from this eating disorder. As with sufferers of Bulimia Nervosa, it is important to keep in mind that you cannot change their behavior, and that you should only try to when and where your intervention is asked for. Until then, it is ok to let a person know that you are concerned.
The bottom line: How to help
If you do not know anybody who is suffering from an eating disorder, perhaps the most important thing you can do is to think about your own attitude, and try to be a part of a cultural change that shifts us all from equating a very low body weight with attractiveness. Have you ever said something akin to “She’s so pretty, especially for a heavy girl!”? Statements like that are part of the problem. Another problem is making fat jokes, even to people who are slender or average weight. This reinforces that being fat is somehow “less than,” and something to be avoided at all costs.
If you know someone personally whom you are concerned about, I would encourage you to gently approach them. You may want to avoid explicitly asking if they have an eating disorder, and instead just observe what you have noticed. For instance, you might say “So, I’ve noticed that you are very preoccupied with fitting into a smaller dress size, and you are already attractive at the size you are. I’ve also noticed that anytime I invite you to dinner, you seem to have other plans or if you come, you pick at your food and say you’ve already eaten. Are you ok? Is there something going on with you?” If they aren’t fully aware of what is going on with them, you may bring some awareness with your objective observations. If they are fully aware, they may deny that there is a problem, but you have at least shown concern and love and opened the door in case they would later like your support.
The most important thing to remember is to be non-forceful and non-judgmental. Arguing will get you nowhere and it may alienate you. If you are observing new symptoms, it is ok to bring them up at another moment, but “hounding” someone regularly can also lead to alienation (especially if these symptoms are being caused by something else, and not an eating disorder!). However, a loving, gentle, and open approach may be a person’s first stop on the road to healing.
And if you are a current sufferer, know that I am here if you want to talk.
And if you are a current sufferer, know that I am here if you want to talk.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Love!
So for those who haven't heard about it a million times (plus all the vendors I have lined up and all the details, ad nauseum...) I am getting married in less than 7 months!! I think I have written in here about how it has kind of been my own personal fairytale and how just a few years ago I questioned whether I was the kind of girl someone would have the guts to settle down with (I can't sit still, I'm opinionated, I have a tendency to be too attached to my job, and I'm fiercely independent, etc. etc. plus there was the annoying self-pitying question of whether or not I was attractive enough to ever get married, which is just a dumb train of thought in the first place, regardless of what one's physical appearance is).
What is occurring to me with Valentine's Day approaching tomorrow is that I never really let Valentine's Day get me down when I was single. I was proactive and got busy making plans to let the people I love know that I love them, and I also usually made plans for some sort of get-together with several friends of varying degrees of relationship status. The tougher holidays for me were ones like July 4th and New Year's Eve, where if you are too old to non-awkwardly spend those times with your family of origin, you are kind of expected to have some sort of significant other or date.
Anyway, the point is, the last time I was single on Valentine's Day was 2009! I made it a point to send little notes to several of my friends telling them that I loved them and was grateful for their friendship and presence in my life, and I went to dinner at Pastini in Corvallis with a huge group--there must have been like 20 of us--then over to a friend's house for games and fun.
Despite the fact that Zach wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first long-term/serious one, and except for my sophomore year in high school, 2010 was my first Valentine's Day not single. So even though Zach and I lived 2,000 miles apart at that time, I put some good effort into that one (if I recall, having a pizza sent to him at work made his day, too!).
Since then...well...it's not that Zach or showing affection isn't important to me, but I just kinda stopped putting effort into Valentine's Day. One year I was bogged down by grad school, one year I was feeling crushed under this fog that was work stress, and this year, I am taking him out to dinner and a movie, and then leaving to go see one of my best friends in another state early the next morning.
The bigger point here: I don't regret not being single anymore. But because I planned ahead, I always had a great time on Valentine's Day when I was single! These days it's actually a little more low-key and a little less memorable, because my Valentine's Day activities already seem pre-determined. So if you are single, don't mope, go have fun! There are people you love out there! And if you plan a big party, and you are up to it, invite your couple friends. Maybe they'd love to do something new!
What is occurring to me with Valentine's Day approaching tomorrow is that I never really let Valentine's Day get me down when I was single. I was proactive and got busy making plans to let the people I love know that I love them, and I also usually made plans for some sort of get-together with several friends of varying degrees of relationship status. The tougher holidays for me were ones like July 4th and New Year's Eve, where if you are too old to non-awkwardly spend those times with your family of origin, you are kind of expected to have some sort of significant other or date.
Anyway, the point is, the last time I was single on Valentine's Day was 2009! I made it a point to send little notes to several of my friends telling them that I loved them and was grateful for their friendship and presence in my life, and I went to dinner at Pastini in Corvallis with a huge group--there must have been like 20 of us--then over to a friend's house for games and fun.
Despite the fact that Zach wasn't my first boyfriend, he was my first long-term/serious one, and except for my sophomore year in high school, 2010 was my first Valentine's Day not single. So even though Zach and I lived 2,000 miles apart at that time, I put some good effort into that one (if I recall, having a pizza sent to him at work made his day, too!).
Since then...well...it's not that Zach or showing affection isn't important to me, but I just kinda stopped putting effort into Valentine's Day. One year I was bogged down by grad school, one year I was feeling crushed under this fog that was work stress, and this year, I am taking him out to dinner and a movie, and then leaving to go see one of my best friends in another state early the next morning.
The bigger point here: I don't regret not being single anymore. But because I planned ahead, I always had a great time on Valentine's Day when I was single! These days it's actually a little more low-key and a little less memorable, because my Valentine's Day activities already seem pre-determined. So if you are single, don't mope, go have fun! There are people you love out there! And if you plan a big party, and you are up to it, invite your couple friends. Maybe they'd love to do something new!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
A lighter topic
I write about a lot of more serious topics, but I'm not really a serious person. I really enjoy having fun, and one thing I frequently do as a diversion (spurred on largely by Zach's love for this activity) is go to the movies. I saw quite a few during 2012, and I am going to share my top 10 in case you are looking for something to rent. The actors in italics are not necessarily the main characters, but the more famous actors, just in case you are curious "who's in it?"
10. 21 Jump Street I'm sure you saw the previews, and you may have even rolled your eyes at the antics of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, assuming (understandably so) that all the funniest parts were in the trailer. I am happy to report that this assumption is false. There is no deeper meaning in this movie, but it's a good solid 2 hours of funny, if that's what you're looking for!
9. Moonrise Kingdom (Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Bill Murray)This was one of the more unique storylines I've seen lately. A child in foster care is at scout camp, and doesn't really fit in, so he runs away with a young girl. Despite his oddities, they become close friends and even fall in (pre-teen) love. It comes complete with a happy ending, too.
8. The Descendants (George Clooney) I've always been interested in visiting Hawaii. This movie made me want to go even more, and not just to visit, but to make it my home. (Ok so I don't really ever foresee myself not living in the Pacific Northwest, but it's kind of a nice alternate reality to imagine.) Have you ever felt angry at someone you loved while something horrible was happening to them, and had to reconcile all those emotions? Then you will probably be able to relate to this movie.
7. Argo (Ben Stiller, John Goodman, Victor Garber) This movie captures an interesting bit of American history that was classified until the Clinton presidency. It almost has to be a true story, because you cannot make this stuff up. The cast really brings the story to life, and I challenge you to TRY not to have white knuckles by the end!!
6. The Hunger Games (Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Banks, Woody Harrelson) I read the whole trilogy of books just before going to see the movie, and I would recommend reading at least the first book before you see the movie; they do a really, really excellent job filling in some of the stuff that would seem difficult to understand from the vantage point of the main character, Katniss (Lawrence) but I still feel like there would have been some leaps that were not intuitive to me had I not read the books first.
5. Seven Psychopaths (Collin Farrell, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Walken) I wasn't quite sure what this movie was about going into it. I thought I would find it entertaining but ultimately forgettable. Wrong!! It is one of the funniest movies I saw all year, and I'm not sure it was even billed as a comedy; or, at the very least, it is a different type of comedy than "21 Jump Street," more subtle and dry (and just a little graphic at times). A writer (Farrell) is trying to come up with a plot involving 7 psychopathic people, and looks to real life for inspiration. Christopher Walken basically plays who you expect him to play, which makes it that much more awesome.
4. The Grey (Liam Neeson) A plane full of men wrecks in the freezing arctic, and as the men try and survive the cold and the elements, they are also being hunted by a pack of wolves. As they conquer some of the wolf pack, the wolf pack conquers some of them. This movie makes even Bear Grylls look like a big wimp.
3. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Emma Watson, Kate Walsh, Paul Rudd) A freshman-in-high-school boy looks for acceptance in the early 1990's. Basically, I loved it because I found it relatable on a strange level. I wasn't quite that shy or affected when I began college at OSU, but I was fairly shy and found some of the best and deepest friends of my life among people who were very different from me.
2. Pitch Perfect (Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Elizabeth Banks) Ok DON'T JUDGE until you've seen it. I dragged Zach along with me, and even he loved it!! Beca (Kendrick) is a college freshman who is being forced to attend the university her dad teaches at, even though she wants to produce music in L.A. Her dad encourages her to be involved in a group, saying he will let her drop out after one year if she is involved in a group and still doesn't want to come back to be a sophomore. She joins the Barden Bellas, an all-female a capella group which has graduated the strongest members and is looking to rebuild. From there, all I can say is that hilarity ensues, and the musical numbers they put together are really, really catchy. (And the a capella competition commentators are a hilarious touch.) I would put this movie on par with "Bridesmaids" in proving that women really can be really, really funny!
1. Bernie (Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey) Don't go into this expecting to see a typical Jack Black movie. You will almost forget it is him by the end of it, because he doesn't do any of that weird attention-seeking stuff. He gives life to the character, and he is very believable. He plays Bernie Tiede in a part-film-part-documentary about an early 1990's murder in east Texas. Bernie came into town, worked for the church, and made little old ladies feel like they were the center of the universe when they became widowed. He was beloved all throughout town, and befriended an especially crotchety one (MacLaine) especially closely. One day something horrible happened...I will let the movie tell you the story.
10. 21 Jump Street I'm sure you saw the previews, and you may have even rolled your eyes at the antics of Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum, assuming (understandably so) that all the funniest parts were in the trailer. I am happy to report that this assumption is false. There is no deeper meaning in this movie, but it's a good solid 2 hours of funny, if that's what you're looking for!
9. Moonrise Kingdom (Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Bill Murray)This was one of the more unique storylines I've seen lately. A child in foster care is at scout camp, and doesn't really fit in, so he runs away with a young girl. Despite his oddities, they become close friends and even fall in (pre-teen) love. It comes complete with a happy ending, too.
8. The Descendants (George Clooney) I've always been interested in visiting Hawaii. This movie made me want to go even more, and not just to visit, but to make it my home. (Ok so I don't really ever foresee myself not living in the Pacific Northwest, but it's kind of a nice alternate reality to imagine.) Have you ever felt angry at someone you loved while something horrible was happening to them, and had to reconcile all those emotions? Then you will probably be able to relate to this movie.
7. Argo (Ben Stiller, John Goodman, Victor Garber) This movie captures an interesting bit of American history that was classified until the Clinton presidency. It almost has to be a true story, because you cannot make this stuff up. The cast really brings the story to life, and I challenge you to TRY not to have white knuckles by the end!!
6. The Hunger Games (Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Elizabeth Banks, Woody Harrelson) I read the whole trilogy of books just before going to see the movie, and I would recommend reading at least the first book before you see the movie; they do a really, really excellent job filling in some of the stuff that would seem difficult to understand from the vantage point of the main character, Katniss (Lawrence) but I still feel like there would have been some leaps that were not intuitive to me had I not read the books first.
5. Seven Psychopaths (Collin Farrell, Woody Harrelson, Christopher Walken) I wasn't quite sure what this movie was about going into it. I thought I would find it entertaining but ultimately forgettable. Wrong!! It is one of the funniest movies I saw all year, and I'm not sure it was even billed as a comedy; or, at the very least, it is a different type of comedy than "21 Jump Street," more subtle and dry (and just a little graphic at times). A writer (Farrell) is trying to come up with a plot involving 7 psychopathic people, and looks to real life for inspiration. Christopher Walken basically plays who you expect him to play, which makes it that much more awesome.
4. The Grey (Liam Neeson) A plane full of men wrecks in the freezing arctic, and as the men try and survive the cold and the elements, they are also being hunted by a pack of wolves. As they conquer some of the wolf pack, the wolf pack conquers some of them. This movie makes even Bear Grylls look like a big wimp.
3. The Perks of Being a Wallflower (Emma Watson, Kate Walsh, Paul Rudd) A freshman-in-high-school boy looks for acceptance in the early 1990's. Basically, I loved it because I found it relatable on a strange level. I wasn't quite that shy or affected when I began college at OSU, but I was fairly shy and found some of the best and deepest friends of my life among people who were very different from me.
2. Pitch Perfect (Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Elizabeth Banks) Ok DON'T JUDGE until you've seen it. I dragged Zach along with me, and even he loved it!! Beca (Kendrick) is a college freshman who is being forced to attend the university her dad teaches at, even though she wants to produce music in L.A. Her dad encourages her to be involved in a group, saying he will let her drop out after one year if she is involved in a group and still doesn't want to come back to be a sophomore. She joins the Barden Bellas, an all-female a capella group which has graduated the strongest members and is looking to rebuild. From there, all I can say is that hilarity ensues, and the musical numbers they put together are really, really catchy. (And the a capella competition commentators are a hilarious touch.) I would put this movie on par with "Bridesmaids" in proving that women really can be really, really funny!
1. Bernie (Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine, Matthew McConaughey) Don't go into this expecting to see a typical Jack Black movie. You will almost forget it is him by the end of it, because he doesn't do any of that weird attention-seeking stuff. He gives life to the character, and he is very believable. He plays Bernie Tiede in a part-film-part-documentary about an early 1990's murder in east Texas. Bernie came into town, worked for the church, and made little old ladies feel like they were the center of the universe when they became widowed. He was beloved all throughout town, and befriended an especially crotchety one (MacLaine) especially closely. One day something horrible happened...I will let the movie tell you the story.
Monday, January 21, 2013
A friend posted this on facebook, and it moved me.
But the part that really hit home for me was how she was talking about how insecure she is, and how none of the benefits of being a model make her all that happy.
I don't put this out there very often because it's hard to talk about (if you ask me about it in person, I will start crying and I don't know why, so please don't) and I don't like considering it part of my identity, especially since it's pretty well-resolved at this point, but I struggled with disordered eating in college. I was never alarmingly small unless you were family or friends who'd known me for awhile, but I was pretty slender. And to be honest with you, I liked having that body. Wouldn't mind having it now.
Flash forward to now, I am about 30 pounds heavier than I was back then. It's enough to put me one or two pounds into the "overweight" range (which I am working on, in a healthy way). And you know what? There is no point in all of my almost-29 years in which I could say that I am happier than I am right now.
Get secure in your own skin. Develop a skill you can be proud of. Spend time around people who are positive. You probably don't look like a model, because few of us do, but that's more than ok. Getting prettier (or skinnier) won't make you happy, but developing yourself into someone you genuinely like will.
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