Seventy Times Seven

A blog, written about forgiveness, with mainly other Christians in mind.

In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells us that if someone wrongs us "seventy times seven" times, that we still forgive them each time.  Those of you accustomed to reading the Bible know that this isn't a word problem like you did in 6th grade math.  In fact, it is a little more abstract.  He's not saying that by the time someone has wronged us 490 times, that we can just hold a grudge from then on out.  I've heard the explanation before that the number seven was a symbol of the infinite, so to say "seventy times seven" meant to keep forgiving...and forgiving...and forgiving...

We often hear that we can "forgive but not forget."  That makes sense, I mean, it comes down to a matter of self-preservation.  There is a reason that hurting to you or lying to you will destroy your trust in me:  I have proven that trusting me leads to getting hurt.  And getting hurt doesn't feel good.

So if forgiving isn't forgetting that something happened, then what is it?  Maybe it's refusing to feel feelings about what happened.  That would be awesome.  Can you imagine if you had hurt someone you cared about, and hearing them say they would forgive you meant that, even if they recalled the incident, they would never feel hurt about it again?  Even better, can you imagine if forgiving someone meant that you wouldn't ever have to feel the hurt again?  That sounds wonderful, and it is not realistic.  How many times have I had something rupture a friendship, forgive what needed forgiven, then feel a burning sense of hurt when the incident was recalled in my memory?  I wish with all my heart I had that kind of ability, but that is not how things normally happen.  There is an answer to what we are supposed to do with this, which I will get to in a bit.

Forgiving, then, has to be about more than declining to have hurt feelings.  It has to be more of a conscious choice and less of an emotional state.  I am still learning about forgiveness, as I believe it is one of the more complicated spiritual duties. However, I have come to believe that it amounts to releasing the forgiven party from indebtedness to you.  (As an aside, I am talking about giving up your right to treat someone poorly or think of them poorly because they hurt you.  If, for instance, someone damages your property or steals your money, I believe you can both forgive and expect to be compensated for your material loss, depending on the situation.)  It is telling the forgiven party, "I am releasing you from having this held against you."

How difficult is that?  If we forgive someone, we can't continue to go around saying "wow, isn't Susie a jerk?  She told me I looked fat in my Halloween costume."  Forgiveness is incompatible with any sort of retaliation.  I'm not very good at it, and I can only conclude that we can't usually do it alone.  It requires for asking God's grace to convert our hearts.  It requires trusting in, leaning on God to help us.  And nobody likes to ask for help.

I was talking to my good friend Wendy about this recently.  Wendy, like me, identifies as Christian but also has a Jewish background.  She was telling me that Christians have this idea that we should forgive once and it should all be over.  She said that this concept of forgiveness is really divine forgiveness, and we are not divine.  I think this is why I have struggled with forgiveness, and have been less than graceful when attempting forgiveness.  As I mentioned above, if something comes up that reminds me of a hurt I forgave, I tend to begin to feel hurt again.  It ends up in a spiral and I end up feeling both angry at the person and profoundly ashamed for not adequately forgiving the first time.  However, the Jewish tradition sees forgiveness a little differently.  It leaves the divine type of forgiving to God who is capable of it, but what this means is that we may end up having to silently, to ourselves, repeatedly forgive someone for the same incident.  This sounds like a lot of work--and it is--but I submit that it is better than the anger and shame spiral.  Maybe this is also what Jesus was talking about with the "seventy times seven" stuff.  Maybe we are supposed to infinitely forgive people for the same wrong, even if they only committed it once.  And pray for a lot of grace to help us accomplish this.

What is really important to know is that God demands that we forgive others.  If you are Christian you ostensibly believe that all your wrongdoings have been and will continue to be forgiven, and it is expected that you, in return, also forgive wrongdoings against us.  It is even written into what is perhaps Christianity's most common prayer:  "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us."  Although I must say that I hope God, in his infinite grace, forgives me BETTER than I forgive those who trespass against us, it is clearly still expected that we are going to give it our best effort.

I have a lot of close friendships, and let's face it, close friends hurt each other sometimes.  So I am self-consciously admitting that I can, on occasion, hold a grudge--or try, and fail, to fully forgive in one attempt.  I also want to say that this does not mean that I have never successfully done so.  There are hurts that I have definitely forgiven and emotionally moved on from, and if you and I have had a run-in but maintain some sort of closeness you can feel pretty well assured that I am over whatever happened.  (And I hope you are too, as I have rarely if ever had some sort of major conflict where I did not play a major role in the wrong-doing.)

One final thought on this, from a reading I heard at mass this morning, that basically tells us to put away our weapons and use our aggressive emotions for something productive:

"They shall beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks;
one nation shall not raise the sword against another,
nor shall they train for war again.
O house of Jacob, come,
let us walk in the light of the Lord!"

How To Start A Life Together Without Racking Up Insurmountable Debt

I have several friends who have recently popped the question or been proposed to, and it made me go way back, in my memory, to 2 months ago when I had my own wedding. ;) I won't mince words: I LOVED my wedding. I loved all our vendors and felt the details came together perfectly. And I managed to keep the cost down, to far below what many people spend. So I thought I would share how I put things together, so others can benefit from it, also so I can give a little shout out to my vendors!

Venue: My home parish growing up. If you want to get married in a church, using one you have ties to usually results in some cost savings. I was lucky to grow up in a visually stunning church! I also rented the parish hall for the reception.

Wedding musicians: If you are Catholic, and you want a full mass, you will definitely want someone who is familiar with how the music works for a mass.  I hired Kathy Valdez and her daughter.  I wanted the music to be beautiful and simple, so I opted for the piano and a flute rather than the full organ.  Expect to pay musicians at least $150/each (they put in lots of practice time to make sure your wedding sounds just so), unless you are friends with them and they will do it cheaper or free!

Dress: This is one of my favorite parts.  Want to know where I found this fabulous dress?:

Consignment.  $500.  My alterations lady guesses that it would have been $1100-$1200 brand new.  The shop I used was The Shabby Chic Bride in Salem, and I would highly recommend it.  Janelle, the woman who helped me the day I went in, did a great job of helping me find a dress that was flattering and within my budget.  For the best experience, make an appointment.  (Also, take a few bridesmaids and/or your mom, and have brunch beforehand at Word of Mouth Bistro down the street.)  The Shabby Chic Bride's website for more info.  They also have veils and other accessories...but I did not wear a veil :)  Buying a dress via consignment means that you are helping another bride recoup a small portion of the cost of her wedding, it is a more "green" way to go, and there is no stressing about whether the dress comes in on time, because you are buying right off the rack.

Photography:  This was one of the things we spent the most on, but I think we did a reasonable job of not overspending.  We used Remembrance Photojournalism, and our package included a 1-hour engagement shoot, 7 hours of day-of coverage (only one photographer, although I think adding a second is like $300 extra), 4x6 prints of each picture, plus a CD with all the photos on it so we are able to share them on facebook and make prints whenever.  Our total was just over $2000.  I do think the packages have changed slightly since we booked.  We booked early enough that we were able to get the owner, Stephen.  We really enjoyed Stephen's gentle and accommodating personality.  If you go with this photographer, one thing to realize is that his real strength is more of a photojournalistic style:  he is much better about capturing moments than setting them up, so if you have ideas for poses or specific pictures you want taken, speak up!  If you need a photographer that is going to direct things a little more, this is probably not your guy, but the benefit to this is that he is very respectful and will fade into the background.  You will not even notice he is there until you go looking for him!

If you are looking for something even more cost-effective, I have a cousin who used Matteson Photography, and was very happy with the price schedule as well as the quality of photos and the professionalism of the photographer. 

DJ:  One thing I found frustrating when searching for a DJ is that most DJ's did not list their prices online.  Cost was a big consideration for me, so I would fill out an inquiry form, and invariably, they would not only write me back with a quote that was much more than I wanted to pay (over a grand for 3 hours of playing music??), but they would then proceed to continue to call me and send me emails several times per week trying to solicit my business.  Then I remembered the DJ that played at my cousin's wedding.  He was professional and did a fantastic job.  I looked him up and found his website, which included pricing, which was crazy reasonable!  Kevin Venables is the owner of Northwest Mobile DJ, and he is prompt in answering questions, respectful, accommodating, and did a fantastic job.  When, 11 days before the wedding, my dad and I wanted a medley of songs for our father-daughter dance, he put them together within 48 hours so we could practice...this was during prime wedding season and right before Labor Day weekend.

Hair and makeup:  Salon L, Canby.  Lizzy is professional and has a fun personality.  I knew her from high school, so I already knew the second part.  I went in for a "practice" appointment, and I loved what she did, modeling a very intricate hairstyle I found on pinterest.  However, there were a few things I wanted done differently, so we talked about it openly, and she was nondefensive and very willing to make the (slight) modifications on the big day.  It came out perfectly!  She did my makeup as well, telling me "I can do everything from fresh faced and natural to full-on drag queen!"  I loved what she did, and the benefit of hiring someone to do your makeup is that if you don't normally splurge on expensive makeup yourself, you can have both the benefit of the high-quality stuff, as well as someone who REALLY knows what they are doing applying it.  She also gave me some suggestions for what to do with my hair the morning of to make it more workable, and pushed me out of my comfort zone ever so slightly to make sure I'd look my best for my wedding.  (Specifically, I was afraid that false eyelashes would not look like "me," but she convinced me to wear them and I LOVE the way they look in the pictures.)  Prices also quite reasonable, and she was willing to travel.  She also brought along one of her employees to work on a couple of my bridesmaids, and they were also both quite happy with their unique and beautiful hairstyles.

Catering: We used Gary's Barbecue on Wheels.  This is a very local catering company, and you will not find a website for them!  I know about them because they are old neighbors of my parents.  However, they are so down-to-earth, nice, and easy to work with, their food is very tasty, and their prices are beyond reasonable.  Keep in mind that they are friends of my parents, but they provided us roasted turkey, potatoes, green beans, rolls, condiments, punch, and coffee...for $10/plate.  We used hefty paper plates and silver-painted plastic flatware so there were no cleaning costs, no overhead charge, just $10/plate.  I HIGHLY recommend calling them, their names are Gary and Mary Stenger.  503-871-3079

Drinks:  We bought wine from Hanson Vineyards, and hired Jason, the owner, to serve for us.  He also served some beer that my dad had bought.  This was another splurge, although I'm not sure how much it cost exactly since my parents took care of that.  Their wine is not cheap, and it tends to be on the drier side, but it is high quality, carefully crafted, with distinct flavors.  So good!

Bridesmaid Dresses:  One of the first things I came up with for our wedding, design-wise, was the color scheme I wanted:  Teal as the main color (dresses, tuxes) and bright orange for an accent (flowers, other details).  With that in mind, I also wanted to keep the dresses reasonably affordable, and I didn't want them to look so "bridesmaidy" that they could not be re-worn.  Part of this my solution in all of this was choosing a color, fabric, and length and letting my ladies choose their own style.  I checked into the old standby, David's Bridal, and they just didn't have many options in jade, plus wearing taffeta is always going to make you look like a bridesmaid.  So I went with Alfred Angelo dresses, in chiffon.  I think it was a little bit more of a hassle (only certain bridal stores are Alfred Angelo retailers, you can't buy off the rack, and it takes about 3 months for the dresses to come in if you don't want to pay a rush fee), and 0-50 dollars more expensive than DB, but the dresses looked stunning on my ladies and several of them said that they would wear their dress again!  (I believe one of them already has!)

Tuxes: Men's Wearhouse.  Black by Vera Wang in (ironically) gray.  So handsome!  On the pricier end for renting tuxes from MW, but the fact that 10 guys besides my groom rented tuxes (his 6 groomsmen, our dads, my brothers) meant that Zach got to rent his tux free, AND he got a $500 voucher toward a new suit to keep.

Decor: This is where it was SUPER HELPFUL TO HAVE HELP.  If you are lucky like me, there will be lots of people who will want to help you make your wedding special.  If any of those people have artistic skills, you better take them up on their offer!  (Plus, it is exciting to be involved in a wedding--you can bet that if someone offers to help, they genuinely want to.)  That said, all the decorations that I used...everywhere...except the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres...cost me far less than most brides.  Early on, I got this idea that using wine bottles (labels on, all Oregon wines) as vases for our centerpieces would be a great idea.  My wonderful mom helped me expand this idea: white tablecloths, teal meshy material (see picture below) all fluffed up, small mirror on top of that, 3 wine bottles, a teal ribbon tied around the wine bottles, and dahlias from Swan Island Dahlias (orange and a few white) in the bottles.  Here is how it turned out:

In addition, I have some aunts who made some beautiful arrangements for the altar:

So, in conclusion, being creative, using things you already have (or can get access to...I encouraged all my friends to drink local wines and give me the bottles for like a year) can save you lots of money and can turn out just as beautiful as anything else.

Bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres:  It is tempting to think "they are just flowers" and to believe that they should not be expensive.  Flowers on their own are not that expensive (see my post about decorations and how we bought flowers from Swan Island Dahlias), but you are also paying for the florist's expertise in arranging them in a beautiful way (sometimes spending hours wiring things together so they sit just so) as well as timeliness.  If you think that you are going to have the time to put together beautiful bouquets the day or two before your wedding...think again.  It is worth paying someone for this.  I used Distinctive Designs by Denice, and not only was she friendly, helpful, and creative in helping me achieve the look I wanted, the flowers turned out beautifully.  As you will see from the following pictures, she also fashioned my mother-in-law's corsage into something that could be worn in her hair, since she was concerned about the fabric of her dress not being able to hold up a corsage.

Let them eat...CAKE!: Huge cost-saving option:  Go for a smaller cake (we just did 2 tiers), and then get your flavor or flavors in sheet cakes to feed everyone.  Your cake will still be pretty.  We went with Lamb's Thriftway bakery in Wilsonville.  Their cakes are really tasty, and you get to do a taste test of 6 different flavors with no commitment...for free!  (They give you a little plastic container with 6 large cupcakes, each with a flavor you want to test out).  Every tier or sheet of your cake can be a different flavor, and one of the best parts:  On your one year anniversary, they will bake you a new "top layer" of your cake so you don't have to keep it in the freezer for a year!

Papery-type stuff: I wasn't completely sold on even doing save-the-dates, but since we had a lot of out-of-town invitees, I thought that sending them would be the polite thing to do, to give folks a heads-up.  I used Vistaprint and created a simple, pretty card with our names, and all the important "when and where" info for the wedding.  For invitations, I went with Ann's Bridal Bargains.  They were some of the least expensive invitations I found, the person I spoke to on the phone with questions was kind and helpful, and though the invitations were not especially fancy (no indented lettering or anything like that), I found a design that I just fell in love with, and I got lots and lots of compliments about how pretty they were.  The programs were my favorite part.  I went with a tea-length design, no folding just front and back, in a design that matched well with our invitations.  I had them designed by Danica of Maya Graphics.  They were so beautiful that when I saw them, I got teary-eyed!  She was willing to work with me on wording things just so, and they came out just perfectly.  I cannot speak to price because Danica is a long-time personal friend of mine so I got a special discount ;).  But, I can tell you that they were beautiful and captured things just perfectly.

A few other tips and tricks:  #1 is get this book:

Bridal Bargains

That book is how I found out about Alfred Angelo and Ann's Bridal Bargains, and has lots and lots of tips for getting quality products without caving to the wedding industry.

Invitation related tips:  One of the most fun things I did in preparation for the wedding, other than the bridal shower and bachelorette party, was addressing the invitations.  "WHAT?" you say?  "That sounds like it takes hours of labor."  Well...it did.  If you added it all together.  You see, I spent $25 on Panera bagels and mimosa makings, and 7 people came to help me assemble and address invitations.  I had a system set up ahead of time, and I kid you not, it took 45 minutes.  That was with eating, talking, goofing around.  I don't think anyone had to do more than 10 invites.  Part of the preparation for this was that on the response cards, lightly in pencil, I wrote a number on each one.  That number corresponded to a person who was invited, that way if the person forgot to put their name on the response card (and a few did), I could have a quick reference to be able to figure out who it was.  Finally, the last part was a little more indulgent, but after addressing and assembling all the invites, I made a day trip up to Bridal Veil Falls in the Columbia Gorge to mail my wedding invitations.  It was a GORGEOUS drive, and there was the cutest little post office:

and the invitations came with the sweetest little postmark:

One thing to keep in mind is that Bridal Veil is very small, and the only reason that the post office is able to stay open is that they are able to sell postage stamps.  So when you go up there, do future brides a favor and buy some postage stamps for your thank-you cards!

Other tips:  For your own sanity, pick out a few details that are really important to you, and focus most of your energy, attention, and resources on those.  If you try to make your every detail perfect, you will go crazy.

Be good to your bridal party.  They have spent a lot of effort supporting you emotionally, giving you a kick-ass bridal shower and bachelorette party, buying dresses to look just so, getting the right shoes, the right hairstyle, the right jewelry, etc.  And they are giving up a whole Saturday to be there for you and help you look amazing!  Some of the things I did for my bridesmaids was: Make sure that their bridesmaid gifts were meaningful and special (for me, this meant personalizing each gift), making them necklaces to wear the day of, sending them thank-you cards when they agreed to be my bridesmaids, having goodies for them the morning of the wedding so they wouldn't have to worry about getting up extra early to get breakfast...but what you choose to do is up to you.

If you are blessed with a supportive mother, include her as much as possible in the planning.  Someone gave me that tip, and I'm glad they did.  I am likely to want to not burden anyone, but my mom only has one daughter, and only got (had?) to do this one time.  I made sure she was available for dress shopping even though I paid for it myself.  I bought her brunch the morning of the day I bought my wedding dress.  We shopped together for fabric and ribbons for the centerpieces.  She helped address invitations, tie ribbons around the napkins containing the plastic flatware for the reception, headed up the reception decorating the day before the wedding...in short, if it wasn't for her, I don't know what I would have done.  I know that the day before the wedding, I didn't have the emotional wherewithall to make ANY decisions, so she kindly and generously encouraged me to go hike Silver Falls with a couple bridesmaids while she finished things up.  (And honestly, that hike was amazing and stress relieving, and just a great thing to do.)

Finally, enjoy every minute!  Don't forget that you have a spouse that you should be spending time with, but all the people are in one place celebrating you!  Throughout the reception, try to make the rounds and say hello to as many people as you can.

It Still Exists Part II

It seems I successfully struck a nerve with a few of my readers in my last post.  I think my words were misunderstood by a few as “white people have done bad things.  You are white, therefore you are bad.”  I understand why my words may have been read that way, but it is not what I was trying to say.  (However, if this post goes the other way, and I say something that is marginalizing or racist, I want to open the door to say that I am open to receiving feedback.)

White privilege is something that is difficult to explain to white people, because unless we learn a bunch about it, it is something that is very difficult to see.  In my last post, I linked to a list of things that exemplify white privilege, but I don’t know how many people read it.

I think my using the term “white privilege” likely brought on some defensiveness because some may read an implication into it that if you benefit from white privilege, that you should feel “white guilt.”  That was never my intention:  you shouldn’t feel guilty about something you can’t control.

Here goes my attempt to clarify the intention of my last post:

Institutionalized racism exists.  For racism to end, we must all actively fight it, especially those of us who unfairly benefit from it.  If you are white, I am not asking you to feel guilty about white privilege; I am asking you to actively fight it.  And I am writing this as a way of giving you some suggestions of how to do that, since it can seem very abstract.

1.   If a person of color tells you that something you, or anyone, said or did offended them, stop and listen instead of becoming defensive.  (In fact, that’s pretty much just a good social/life skill no matter the person’s heritage.)  Please don’t ever use the phrase “pulling the race card”.  You lose nothing by considering the other person’s point of view.

2.  Avoid identifying people by their race.  Describe someone by saying “Bob is that tall guy with the big smile.  He usually wears a Cowboys jacket,” rather than “Bob is that Latino guy.”  This may seem like more work (and until you get used to it, it will be), but what it does is force you to think about the person in terms of how they are similar to you rather than point out how he or she is different.  It’s a subtle difference but over time it shifts how you and those around you view people who look different from you in certain ways.

3. Read over the link I posted in my last blog post.  In fact, I am just going to copy and paste the content at the end of this blog post so you don’t have to go to all the work.  This list is 50 concrete examples of white privilege in everyday life.

4. Read this list for more ideas of how to be an ally in the fight against racism.  Some of them are challenging.  #7 is that way for me.  I’m always worried about doing more harm than good, but the worst harm I can do is to not speak up:

http://whitepriv.blogspot.com/2010/02/10-ways-to-be-and-ally.html

5. Take a deep breath, and realize that while I may be asking you to consider a different point of view, I don’t think you are a bad person for being white!  In fact, the likelihood is that if you are reading this, you are someone who is on my list of facebook friends, so in at least 3 or more ways I probably consider you to be a pretty great person.  Flash that smile, be yourself, and just show a little friendliness to someone around you, someone you see in everyday life, who may be a person of color.  Take the initiative, offer some hospitality, get to know people who don’t look like you!

Addendum: 50 examples of white privilege:

1. I can if I wish arrange to be in the company of people of my race most of the time.

2. I can avoid spending time with people whom I was trained to mistrust and who have learned to mistrust my kind or me.

3. If I should need to move, I can be pretty sure of renting or purchasing housing in an area which I can afford and in which I would want to live.

4. I can be pretty sure that my neighbors in such a location will be neutral or pleasant to me.

5. I can go shopping alone most of the time, pretty well assured that I will not be followed or harassed.

6. I can turn on the television or open to the front page of the paper and see people of my race widely represented.

7. When I am told about our national heritage or about "civilization," I am shown that people of my color made it what it is.

8. I can be sure that my children will be given curricular materials that testify to the existence of their race.

9. If I want to, I can be pretty sure of finding a publisher for this piece on white privilege.

10. I can be pretty sure of having my voice heard in a group in which I am the only member of my race.

11. I can be casual about whether or not to listen to another person's voice in a group in which s/he is the only member of his/her race.

12. I can go into a music shop and count on finding the music of my race represented, into a supermarket and find the staple foods which fit with my cultural traditions, into a hairdresser's shop and find someone who can cut my hair.

13. Whether I use checks, credit cards or cash, I can count on my skin color not to work against the appearance of financial reliability.

14. I can arrange to protect my children most of the time from people who might not like them.

15. I do not have to educate my children to be aware of systemic racism for their own daily physical protection.

16. I can be pretty sure that my children's teachers and employers will tolerate them if they fit school and workplace norms; my chief worries about them do not concern others' attitudes toward their race.

17. I can talk with my mouth full and not have people put this down to my color.

18. I can swear, or dress in second hand clothes, or not answer letters, without having people attribute these choices to the bad morals, the poverty or the illiteracy of my race.

19. I can speak in public to a powerful male group without putting my race on trial.

20. I can do well in a challenging situation without being called a credit to my race.

21. I am never asked to speak for all the people of my racial group.

22. I can remain oblivious of the language and customs of persons of color who constitute the world's majority without feeling in my culture any penalty for such oblivion.

23. I can criticize our government and talk about how much I fear its policies and behavior without being seen as a cultural outsider.

24. I can be pretty sure that if I ask to talk to the "person in charge", I will be facing a person of my race.

25. If a traffic cop pulls me over or if the IRS audits my tax return, I can be sure I haven't been singled out because of my race.

26. I can easily buy posters, post-cards, picture books, greeting cards, dolls, toys and children's magazines featuring people of my race.

27. I can go home from most meetings of organizations I belong to feeling somewhat tied in, rather than isolated, out-of-place, outnumbered, unheard, held at a distance or feared.

28. I can be pretty sure that an argument with a colleague of another race is more likely to jeopardize her/his chances for advancement than to jeopardize mine.

29. I can be pretty sure that if I argue for the promotion of a person of another race, or a program centering on race, this is not likely to cost me heavily within my present setting, even if my colleagues disagree with me.

30. If I declare there is a racial issue at hand, or there isn't a racial issue at hand, my race will lend me more credibility for either position than a person of color will have.

31. I can choose to ignore developments in minority writing and minority activist programs, or disparage them, or learn from them, but in any case, I can find ways to be more or less protected from negative consequences of any of these choices.

32. My culture gives me little fear about ignoring the perspectives and powers of people of other races.

33. I am not made acutely aware that my shape, bearing or body odor will be taken as a reflection on my race.

34. I can worry about racism without being seen as self-interested or self-seeking.

35. I can take a job with an affirmative action employer without having my co-workers on the job suspect that I got it because of my race.

36. If my day, week or year is going badly, I need not ask of each negative episode or situation whether it had racial overtones.

37. I can be pretty sure of finding people who would be willing to talk with me and advise me about my next steps, professionally.

38. I can think over many options, social, political, imaginative or professional, without asking whether a person of my race would be accepted or allowed to do what I want to do.

39. I can be late to a meeting without having the lateness reflect on my race.

40. I can choose public accommodation without fearing that people of my race cannot get in or will be mistreated in the places I have chosen.

41. I can be sure that if I need legal or medical help, my race will not work against me.

42. I can arrange my activities so that I will never have to experience feelings of rejection owing to my race.

43. If I have low credibility as a leader I can be sure that my race is not the problem.

44. I can easily find academic courses and institutions which give attention only to people of my race.

45. I can expect figurative language and imagery in all of the arts to testify to experiences of my race.

46. I can chose blemish cover or bandages in "flesh" color and have them more or less match my skin.

47. I can travel alone or with my spouse without expecting embarrassment or hostility in those who deal with us.

48. I have no difficulty finding neighborhoods where people approve of our household.

49. My children are given texts and classes which implicitly support our kind of family unit and do not turn them against my choice of domestic partnership.

50. I will feel welcomed and "normal" in the usual walks of public life, institutional and social.

It Still Exists

I am choosing to write on something that some of you may think I have no business writing about, since I have no lived experience in the matter.  Some others of you may think that I am completely wrong, and that the concept I am about to discuss is dead (and I definitely disagree that it's dead!)

I am about to try and touch the topic of racism.  And I am going to skip right ahead to my thesis statements:

1)  If you are Caucasian and part of the dominant culture in the United States, and a person of color tells you that something that was said or done was racist, you have no business disputing that.  People of Caucasian descent typically don’t have awareness of how racism impacts people of color in the United States because we don’t need to.

2) Reverse racism really isn’t a thing.  Despite affirmative action using quota systems (which is the wrong way to go about affirmative action, but that is a topic for another time because it is big and complicated in and of itself), most systems in the United States benefit people of solely Caucasian descent.  A particular person may be racist toward white people, but that is a micro-aggression, not systematic oppression.

I was recently told by someone who is Caucasian that because he is 42 and not a millionaire, that he is obviously not a recipient of privilege.  However, there is a lot more to privilege than how much money we earn.  I was about to flesh out a list with examples, but then I found the list that started me thinking about the topic in the first place.  You can find it here:

http://jimbuie.blogs.com/journal/2007/11/50-examples-of-.html

It is true that the United States has made progress toward eradicating racism.  The era of segregation is not ancient history, but significant advances have been made since that time.  While any improvement is laudible, that does not mean the work is done.  "Better" is not "fixed," and I, for one, want racism gone.  I want to live in a world where we do not see a massive division in standard of living based on race.  I want to live in a world where everyone regularly associates with people whose ancestors came from different places, a world where showing an interracial family on a Cheerios commercial is not only not controversial, but a world where it's not even noticed.

If you are still not convinced that massive, institutionalized racism is a reality today, then let me ask you this question:  There is a massive divide between the median yearly income and quality of life in the United States between people who are Caucasian, and people who identify with almost all other racial categories.  With a discrepancy this large, it cannot be accounted for by chance. 

If you take nothing else from this blog post, please think about this question:  Do you think that people of Caucasian descent are superior to people with other racial backgrounds?  If not, what accounts for the vast difference in standard of living?

If you are of Caucasian descent, it is likely that at some point in your life, you have said or done something racist, even if it was without meaning to.  I have.  (I am declining to give examples because I have not sought permission from the recipients of any comments). This does not make you or me a bad, or even racist person.  The unearned privilege given to us by the color of our skin blinds us, and it takes a lot of effort to see through that.  Heck, I may have inadvertently said something racist in this post, and if so, I hope someone calls me out so I can learn from it.  Because I believe that there is no way for me to learn alone, and mistakes are probably inevitable.  So to anyone who has the courage to confront me when I say something I shouldn't...thank you.

One more point I want to add: While racism is very real, race is a social construct. It is a frequent occurrance for someone to be both Caucasian AND a person of color. This is a later edit to this post and I want to say that what I wrote before was not inclusive in that way. Bottom line: if a person who is a survivor of social violence has the courage to tell you that something you said or did contributes to or reminds them of experienced oppression, the very least you can do is listen to WHY instead of invalidating their concern.

The Whirlwind

So...I got married a few days ago.  And it was awesome.  As I was preparing for it over and over, I was reminded (wisely) many times that marriage preparation is much more important than wedding preparation.  And it is so true!  The wedding was just one day, and the marriage will be the rest of at least one of our lives.

On Planning A Wedding
However, I was not about to use that as an excuse to not put thought and effort into the ceremony itself.  For Zach and I, it was a sacrament that deserved reverence.  Personally, my views are that the people a couple invites to the wedding are there to be honored as people who have supported, and will continue to support the couple both as individuals and in their relationship, so it was important to me that the guests felt honored.

I realize I am speaking from an extremely biased perspective, but it was my favorite wedding that I have been to.  I kept telling people that I expected something to go wrong, and I did.  When the flower I bought for my hair was found, divorced from the clip it came on, I was ready to let that casualty go.  In the grand scheme of things, it was nothing.  However, with the help of some crafty bridesmaids, it was fixed.  After that, from my perspective, things went perfectly.  It was a full Catholic wedding so it was not short, but things moved along; the music was beautiful, the homily meaningful, and everything carried out with joy and reverence.  (One of the groomsmen even said that it was the best Catholic mass he'd been to since his own wedding, which was not something I took lightly!)  The color scheme worked, the BEAUTIFUL centerpieces my mom and aunts put together were beautiful, the food tasted great, and the DJ kept things well-paced.  (And my groom was ridiculously handsome in his tux.)  Maybe it's just because I am not overly attached to details, but as far as I'm concerned, it was the perfect wedding, and I feel so blessed.  I left feeling full, and feeling so close to our families and parties.  I am eternally grateful to everyone for their help and participation.

On Not Having Society's Definition of a Perfect Body for my Wedding
I had been working for months to shed some pounds for the wedding.  When I bought my dress in January, I loved it, but I didn't totally love the way it looked on me.  I began running, eventually increasing to over 20 miles per week.  (I realize that's not like marathon training level, but it's a pretty good amount for me.)  The bulges were going nowhere, and one day I tried to run and my legs did not want to.  A friend advised I take a few days off, so I did, and my legs still didn't want to run.  So I stuck to walking, and pretty much immediately, 10 pounds dropped off.

I went to get my dress fitted, and since I am on the short side, those 10 pounds were almost enough to warrant complicated and expensive alterations.  Luckily, my dress was lace-up, so I could just be cinched in a little tighter, but there wasn't a lot of room left over.  So I made the decision to do my best to stay that size, despite it being about 8 pounds higher than where I usually hung out pre-grad-school.  I may work on it once the honeymoon is over, but you know what?  I'm happy with where I was.  The style of dress I bought was fantastic for showing off an hourglass shape, and I am happy I had some good curves to add to the equation.  No shame here, I wouldn't change a thing.

On Why I Almost Melted Into A Puddle While Walking Down the Aisle
Looking arguably the best (or at least the most polished) I ever have, being led by my father toward something wonderful in my future, while all of the people I love look on and smile at me...that is what I imagine it will be like to enter Heaven when it's my time.  So amazing the way God finds ways to show me just how much He loves me.  What a meaningful and hope-giving way to enter the first few moments of this new journey!

On My New Husband
I love him!!!

Why Teenagers Are The Best

When I tell people that I work on an all-female unit (for now) at Oregon State Hospital, and love it, I get some odd looks.  But here's the thing.  Yes, the women can be (CAN be..not always...) a little more demanding of my time than men might be.  However, when it comes down to it, which is better?  Someone who will share some of their needs with you so you can help them, or someone who shuts you out and doesn't bring up their problems until they are REALLY messy/urgent?  So many these women have had so much worse done to them than they have caused, and I can't think of a single one that isn't a HUGE example of resilience and strength.  Pair that with an AWESOME interdisiplinary team, and I am blessed beyond measure.  Even after a tough week, I freaking LOVE my job!! <3

Maybe it's an ego thing.  Maybe I like to be able to say that I've taken on challenges that others have shied away from.  Or maybe it's a byproduct of living in a world where "it takes all types," but I have also loved working with teenagers, and it's one of the top 3 things I miss about working in Child Welfare.  If not the #1 thing.

Due to HIPPA and privacy issues and ethical issues, I can't go into detail about the amazing stories of resilence and strength of the amazing teen-kiddos I've worked with, but here's the thing:  Even if they are too cool for school with you, all they want in the world is for you to listen to them and take you seriously, even if you don't agree with them and even if you want them to make different choices than they ultimately make.  When a former child welfare co-worker joined me at the State Hospital, I learned that there was a particular teen on my caseload...who I thought hated me...and it turns out I was someone she really looked to and trusted.  I can't tell you how crappy I felt for assuming I didn't matter. I can't tell you how crappy I felt for not listening a little more and judging a little less.  BUT.  I can't tell you how good I felt knowing that the little I did listen, the little I did show that I care, meant a lot.

I had 2 teens in my entire child welfare career, one girl and one boy, admit to me that I had meant something to them.  (The girl more than the boy, which is to be expected).  With not an ounce of ego, I have to think that by showing up, by being someone with decision-making capability in their lives, that I made a difference.  How much I cared determined how much of a difference, and how positive a difference.

You don't have to be "cool" to work with teens.  I'm not.  I never was.  You just have to give a damn.  You have to care enough to get pissed off and cry when they go missing.  You have to care enough to be honest with them about what will make them successful.  Most of all, you have to care enough to be vulnerable, to show them your heart, to show them that you want them to kick butt and take names.

For some reason, we are afraid, in our professional lives, to use the L-word.  But whether a kid is 2 or 17, you have to be willing to love them.  You don't have to say it, because they can tell.

Hello again! Some boring thoughts on wedding and marriage, since that's what's in my head right now.

I keep sitting down to write in this thing, and coming up empty.  Lots of complex stuff going on in the world, but if I take a position on something, I like to make sure that at least to my own standards, it's somewhat sort of airtight.  And sometimes I have trouble articulating why I believe what I do.  So sometimes events pass me by.

But right now there is 6 weeks and change until I am a married woman, so that is what I am sort of living and breathing, at least outside of work.

So here is what I have to say about everything.

When I was 20.5 years old, I moved out of my childhood home.  I spent the first 2 years of college at community college and still lived with Mom and Dad.  Once I chose OSU, it felt like the right thing, and the first time I visited it felt like home.  Still, the whole moving out thing was scary.

Mom and Dad dropped Steven and I off (yep, we went to the same college, on the same day, and lived across the street from each other).  Mom and Dad's leaving was delayed by helping us unload and a trip to the bookstore, but they couldn't hang around forever. In room 28 of Dixon Lodge, they hugged us goodbye, and as soon as the waterworks started, Steven bolted for his dorm!!

My parents leaving me at college felt scary, even though I was a little older than average to be going through this.  They only lived 60 miles away and they were leaving us with a car; my brother was right across the street, and I had lots of friends from high school who were at OSU.  I knew how to be a college student, I knew how to take care of myself and pay basic bills.  There wasn't a whole lot about this that was going to be unfamiliar to me, but the whole idea of "going away to college" sounded big and scary, if exciting.

Similarly, the wedding details are coming along.  I've had a long time to plan, and everything that is really important to me is in place.  I even managed to lose 10 pounds, once I stopped trying (go figure).

Just like how, before leaving my parents' home, I had acquired the most important basic life skills, I do feel like I have some pretty good adult and relationship skills mastered.  I have no fears about spending the rest of my life with Zach.  We are not perfect together, but the nature and length of our relationship has tested and strengthened it.  We will be fine.  If I think about us living together and starting a life together, it just sounds natural.

However, when I think about it too hard, I get a little freaked out about the word "marriage" and my ability to be a..gulp...wife!!  I somehow imagine that my dad walking me down the aisle will be akin to he and my mom dropping me off at college that first time.

Thus far, moving away to college was probably my most life-changing and dramatic transition, and I came away from it with a degree and a gaggle of some of the most beloved friends and memories in my life.

Getting married will be an even bigger transition, but I'm coming to realize that these things come with big rewards!!

Pray for us, friends!

Life lessons of the past few days

On Sunday, my car stopped working.  It wasn't entirely unexpected.  It was a 2000 and I got it in 2009, so it wasn't exactly new then, and I managed to put a few miles on it.  It was nearing the 220k mark.  I was hoping, though, that it would at least last me until the wedding.  Unfortunately, it didn't even get me to mass.  (I think God understands).  Considering that I was in Vancouver, and Zach's car was also in the shop, this was somewhat problematic.  Work yesterday (Monday) was just not a possibility, and early in the day the mechanic I took it to let me know that the engine was probably done for, and that my best bet would probably be to look into something different.

Cue panic mode.

There is one guy I go to for car shopping, one guy who has always helped me find a good car and negotiate well for it, and that's my dad.  But he was at work, and I didn't want to throw away my money on a second rental car for several days, knowing my car had a DNR order on it.  Since I already was skipping work anyway, and since I was going to have to put in some hefty hours the next few days to make up for it, I decided that yesterday would be the day I got my next car.

Lesson #1: A new stage in our relationship.
Zach and I are getting married in 3 months plus a few days.  He does not know NEARLY as much about cars as my dad.  But looking back on it, I strongly believe this was something we needed to go through together.  He helped me ask good questions, and I brought along my previous car buying experience, since this is my 5th car, and the second one I have financed.  We made a great team.  Who knows, my dad may have been able to tell me a little more about the car type (Pontiac Grand Prix) or helped me finagle down a few dollars (although I am pretty happy with the price) but I think it was a relationship-edifying experience for Zach and I.  Even though our residences and finances are separate for now, we are preparing to combine these things, so this was a decision we made together, and I am so happy to have felt so supported in such a new and terrifying situation.

Lesson #2: Be Prepared
In school I've always been a procrastinator.  I always found it hard to work on a paper if I wasn't staring down the clock.  Curiously, in other areas of my life I've not been a procrastinator.  In Child Welfare, knowing that an emergency could happen at any moment that would take me away from my desk all day and potentially make me work late into the night, I always started, and usually finished, any court reports far in advance of when they were due.  When it comes to life milestones I'm excited about, I research them a lot.  Maybe to the point of obsessiveness.  I started applying for jobs 6 months before I graduated with my MSW, and had several potential "paths" in mind that I could take, depending on who was willing to hire me.  I had my criteria for a job laid out, and I matched jobs that met those criteria with jobs where I would be a good fit for them.  It meant that for the better part of a year I was doing something very draining and difficult,  but it's led me to a job I'm very happy with currently.    I am not stressing about my wedding because I have all the major details figured out.  I know what kind of place Zach and I would like to live in as soon as its feasible, and I have a good sense of the market and what is available for what rental price.  And, most notably, I have known for some time that my car would not last forever, so even though I've never felt ready to buy, I have researched obsessively, I know what's available at what I was willing to pay, I knew some things to ask about, and I knew which dealerships had a great reputation. I am very happy with both the dealership and the car I chose, feel free to ask me about it if you are in the market.

Lesson #3: Do everything you can to have a little money stored away.
I didn't make a large down payment.  But I had enough stored away that making a down payment was a possibility.  So even though buying a new-to-me car about 10 hours realizing that it could be necessary was stressful, I knew that it was do-able.  Money doesn't solve everything, but sometimes it's nice to have a little cash to throw at an unexpected problem.  I can do better in this area...and after this experience, I will.

And finally, Lesson #4: Smile.
I won't say that I didn't stress out about this.  I did.  A lot.  Even yesterday after we had it all resolved, I tossed and turned for hours before falling asleep.  But before you cry and make yourself crazy, step back from the situation, realize ways in which it could have been worse, recognize the blessings around you, and realize that no crazy situation like this lasts forever.  My silver lining was coming away with a car with air conditioning (seriously, it has way more interesting features than that, but after 3 and a half years in a car with no AC, this was a BIG DEAL to me), and an increased sense of being able to make mature decisions.

Career vs. Vocation, and following your passion

Sometimes visiting my parents’ house brings back interesting memories.  Today I dropped by, and my mom showed me an invitation to my 14-year-old cousin’s 8^th grade graduation.  I find it totally impossible that little Jack who I held in my arms just yesterday (ok, in 1999) is now probably over 6 feet tall, smarter than most people I know, and graduating from 8^th grade!

I was thinking back to my own graduation.  It was a small class (13 people…it was a small, rural school), so each of us got a lot of attention.  We were all supposed to write something about our future plans, to be read by the emcee as we individually walked out into the audience to give our parents a rose.  I wrote that I would like to go to college after high school, and earn a degree in psychology.

I was thinking about how similar that is to what actually happened, and how that’s really not accidental at all.  I have this fantastic aunt who I admire and adore.  She is 9 years younger than my dad, and 17 years older than me, so closer to my age than most aunts are.  When I was in about 2^nd grade or so, she was in graduate school studying to be a counselor.  I remember asking my mom what a counselor was and what they do, and as my mom explained that to me, something just clicked for me, and I knew that’s what I wanted to do, or something similar.

It’s the difference between a career and a vocation.  A career is simply a professional path.  A vocation, in my mind, is part of you.  It is part of your calling, what you are meant to do and part of who you are meant to be.  Something at least marginally related to the world of counseling, I believe, is my vocation.  And I happened to be lucky enough to stumble across it at a young age.  And as I learned more about social work and what it is and how it relates to the field of counseling but is more specifically related to anti-oppression and social justice…I just feel so blessed to have been led into this field.  I feel like it fits my personality, and that it has also helped shape who I am.  I say “led into the field” rather than “stumbled into the field,” because as a Catholic Christian, I believe that God has been guiding me here all along, and He has specific work for me to do that I may not even know about yet.

To look back and think about all the ways I got to where I am now by twists and turns like a river just amazes me.

I specifically chose to apply to a Master’s of Social Work program because when I decided to really pursue a career as a counselor (more on that in a minute) I had a roommate who wanted to be a children’s play therapist, and she explained to me that in Oregon, you can only bill insurance for therapy (at least at the Master’s level) if you are licensed as a clinical social worker.  (That has since changed:  it changed during my first year in graduate school, which I did not get into until my third year of applying.  It sends shivers up my spine.  If that had happened one year earlier, I may have tried to become an LPC or an LMFT, but I am SO glad I ended up in social work!)

Even though I knew since elementary school that I wanted to be a counselor of some sort, I spent several years convinced that I wanted to do something else (Youth Ministry, to be specific).  I probably would have enjoyed it and everything, and it is a very important vocation, but I now believe that it just wasn’t mine.  In some ways it had elements of what I really wanted to be doing, and I was passionate about that too (and truthfully could have probably been quite happy doing it), but I now believe that it wasn’t what I was called to do.

The reason I gave up on the idea of being a counselor is so ridiculously silly (in retrospect, of course) that I almost hesitate to share the story of why.  It was all because of a conversation with an older cousin of mine, when I was probably 11 or 12.  This particular cousin is about as wonderful and positive of a person as you could imagine, and by no means would have said anything intentionally discouraging.   I was talking to her about my aunt and her job, and my cousin simply said (admiringly) “Yeah, it takes a special kind of person to do what Janet does.”  For some stupid ass reason, I interpreted this to mean that this kind of person was EXTREMELY rare, and then further analyzed it down to this rationale: There could not possibly be two people from the same family who could do that kind of job.  Janet was already doing it, so I was out, I should just pick something else to do with my life.  Kids are weird, and I was apparently an exceptionally weird one.  (Seriously…what the heck?)  What’s even weirder is that I held on to that for YEARS.  The comment my cousin made was not even remotely directed at me.  In fact, when I said at my 8^th grade graduation that I would like to earn a degree in psychology, I kinda just said that for something to say, still thinking I needed to choose something else.  When I finally realized that I really wanted to do counseling (or something related) and not youth ministry, I was 21 and on a retreat in college.  The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and I completely changed career paths in less than a minute, literally.  I spent the rest of the weekend SUPER EXCITED about my new plans, talked to an advisor that week when I got back to Corvallis, and changed my major from Spanish and Education (yes, these things did fit in with my Youth Ministry career goal) to Sociology, and I haven’t looked back since.

What I am really trying to say here is that I think we all have a vocation.  We all have ways in which our lives are given meaning, and which we give meaning to other people.  For some, this is through paid employment.  For others, it is through family life, volunteer work, or just who they are, perhaps a passionate hobby or something of the like.  Whatever that vocation is, it is bound to begin showing up in your life over and over, and it is unlikely to let go of you if you are unwilling to acknowledge and welcome it!  As a human being, you are precious, you are worth so much, and you have so much to give to others.  Be open to it!  All of what I just said is less a compliment/affirmation, and more of a challenge.  What are you going to do with your gifts?

As for me, my role right now isn’t explicitly counseling, and that’s ok.  I have an incredible opportunity to help women in a bad position make their lives a little better, worth living.  Sometimes I get worn out or irritable, and it is so important for me to return to work tomorrow (after a fantastic 4 day weekend) ready to remember my vocation, my calling, and to remember that I have something I need to give, as well as much to learn from the amazing women I get to work with.

My completely un-informed and non-scientific ideas about global warming

It seems that global warming has become a hot topic once again.  Apparently some group of scientists got together and 33% of them expressed an opinion on whether global warming is happening, and of those, 97% thinks it is.  Or at least, this is what I have gathered from facebook.

It seems to me that in the last 100-150 years, we have drastically increased the amount of nasty stuff we send floating off into the air, and it makes sense that we are harming the environment in some way, so it would not surprise me if human-caused global warming is happening.  You pretty much can't deny that exhaust fumes aren't exactly awesome for the air.  I remember being in 7th grade, and going on a trip to Disneyland where we flew into LAX.  We stepped outside, and I looked up wanting to drink in the sun...but the sky looked kind of brown.  I took a deep breath, and I could TASTE the air.  Blech.  It was that bad.  I tried to see if I could only take like 2 breaths per minute to avoid tasting it again, but that didn't last too long.

I know very little about environmental science, and I know that it's a jump from pollution to global warming.  So I'll just say that I don't know anything but I think global warming is possible.

However, for me in my day-to-day life, it doesn't really matter.  It's kind of like being a Christian and debating about whether creation happened in 7 days or whether the Genesis story is an allegory and God guided the process of evolution.  EITHER WAY, we believe that we were lovingly created by a divine being, right?  How He did it should have basically no bearing in how we worship Him or go about our daily lives.

In the same way, who cares how exactly our lives of waste and excess are affecting the environment--they are affecting it, and we each (me included!) need to think about what changes we can make to live more sustainably.

Not so sexist after all

Last night Zach and I continued along with our movie series at the Elsinore.  This one was from the early 1950’s, and it was called All About Eve.

On our way in, the theater handed us a program of sorts that included a few pages describing and somewhat dissecting the movie.  It mentioned that the movie probably wouldn’t play well in the modern era because of a particular line that is criticized as anti-feminist/anti-woman.

In the play, a 40 year old actress who has dedicated her long days and nights to her career,  says something to the effect that her life means nothing without a man in it.  On the surface level, that sounds pretty bad.  Before I met Zach, what I had to strive for was advancement in my career.  I also had great friends and family who gave my life meaning.  I wouldn’t say that life without him was meaningless, and certainly, it was not meaningless because of my gender.  However, in the context of the entire movie, it must be noted that she was talking about a particular man who had been her significant other for some time.

The character was not implying that her life lacked meaning because she was a woman, and women don’t matter if they are not attached to a man.  She was implying that there was someone who had stuck by her and pursued her even when she was being a pill, and that her life would be richer if she devoted some time to him.

It is one of the most basic human longings, to yearn for someone to share our lives with, someone we can trust, someone we can depend on long-term.  This is neither a uniquely male nor uniquely female desire, but a human desire.  And it is good.  Work is a part of our lives, and it is a good part of our lives, but it must be balanced by real connection and real love for our lives to have meaning.  Living simply to work is a disordered way of living.  While work can be a source of joy (and truly, I love my job) and a significant way to contribute to our communities, it is also a means of supporting the ones we love. 

I am not afraid to say that, while I feel proud of the work I’ve put into getting to where I’m at in a career I love, finding “the one” and having a (someday) family has always been a bigger goal to me than my career.  The reason the career came first is that attaining it was more within my control.  The fact that marriage/family is a more important goal to me might not be the “cool” thing to say, but it’s true, and I don’t feel it makes me any less a feminist.  I am sure there are plenty of men who prioritize their goals in similar ways, and ultimately I believe that this is a fundamentally good way of looking at things, and a sign that one’s priorities are in the right place.

As a side note, I would also like to add that there is a younger actress in this movie (“Eve”) who attempts to seduce the husbands of two women who are older than she is, and the husbands will have none of it.  They don’t even entertain the idea.  I don’t feel like I see very many shows or movies where this would be the case these days, and I found it refreshing.  (I also feel lucky and proud to have a fiancé who I believe with my whole heart is that kind of stand-up faithful man.)

Since a few weeks ago, I complained about how horrified I was that a movie from the 1950’s showcased domestic violence as both romantic and comedic, I felt that it was important to recognize that there is value to be gained from the culture of that particular decade.

The "Good Old Days"

I hear a lot of yearning for days gone by.  This is not just from people in my parents' and grandparents' generation, but peers as well.  Lots of posts on facebook reminisce about days when you played kickball out in the street until Mom called you in for dinner, and there were no cell phones or video games.  "Repost this list if you were born before 1985!" is not something hard to find.

Certainly, that reminiscing isn't without merit.  There are inherently good things about not having everything in life be available at your fingertips or open until 4am.  And we sure did connect in a more personal and genuine way when we couldn't hide behind email and text, and when we couldn't cancel on our friends at the last minute because they weren't carrying a phone around with them.  I definitely worry frequently about what my future children's lives will be like.  I don't want them having a cell phone or a social media account when they are 8 years old, but am I realistically going to be able to prevent those things?

However, my thesis statement of this post is that there are things about the modern era that are better than past eras.  Racial segregation comes immediately to mind.  In the not-so-distant past, interracial marriage was illegal in many parts of the country.  (HORRIFYING thought, if you ask me).

Here's another example.  Last night Zach and I went to the first installment of a weekly film series at the Elsinore Theater in downtown Salem.  They were showing "The Quiet Man," which is a 1952 movie starring John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara.  In many ways it is a charming movie about good old-fashioned romance.  The protagonist sweeps into town, romances a pretty girl, and works at asking for her hand in marriage.

The movie also has a significant darker side.  Throughout the second half of the movie, the plot revolves around a newlywed conflict.  The new bride refuses to consummate the marriage because the protagonist fails to procure some treasured/sentimental belongings.  While this may be immature and unloving behavior, part of his reaction is to grab her, slam her against a wall, and force an unwanted kiss on her while roughly holding her head by her hair.  He then picks her up and throws her on the bed with such force that the bed frame falls apart.  I half-expected that he was going to rape her, and was relieved when he did not.  (Credit where credit is due: he does take the chivalrous course of sleeping in the living room on the floor in a sleeping bag, instead of on the busted bed with her.)

Roughing up a woman and forcing a kiss on her is NOT romantic.

The plot continues with her running away because he will not demand her dowry from her brother (again, bratty behavior on the part of the woman...).  he chases her down, then physically drags her all through town while a large crowd is following them.  They are watching, cheering as he drags her along the ground, occasionally slapping/shoving her.  He then brings her to her brother, shoves her at him, and says that if the brother won't give up the money, he can have his sister back.  This would be one thing if the purpose of this scene was to highlight how wrong it is to view a woman as a possession or how wrong spousal violence is, but this scene was intended as comedy (and was accompanied by laughs from much of the audience.  Since they were from a different generation, I did my best to be understanding about this).

While watching this scene, I could feel my chest constrict and my face get flushed.  Maureen O'Hara's character was not being a good or loving wife, but violence is NEVER an acceptable response except as reasonable self defense.  I felt horrified that this was ever seen as comedy and not abuse, and I feel grateful that this kind of scene passed off as "comedy" today would launch an outrage.

I do still think that racial and gender inequality are problems in the modern world, but I thank God they are less problematic than they were a couple of generations ago, back in the "good old days."

Perhaps one generation or era is not better than another, but instead each generation or era has its own strengths and weaknesses: things to be proud of, and things to work on.