My thoughts on preventing large acts of violence

When I heard about the Sandy Hook shooting, I was on lunch break at work.  I read it on facebook from several people, and after I had the basic gist of what happened, that was all I needed to know.  I have not read or watched or listened to one news story about it.  Don’t need to, don’t want to.  I have prayed for all the victims and their families, and even the shooter and his family, but selfishly, I just don’t want to feel anything about this.  It’s too sad, too unthinkable.  I know this kind of awful violence happens other places, and that children die here in the United States for senseless reasons.  (Believe me, I know something about violence against children, and it’s awful.)  So, I’ve done my best to avoid feeling anything, but that hasn’t kept me from pondering and debating (with myself and others) how to prevent this sort of thing from happening. 

After a lot of thinking, I’ve come up with this idea that the reasons people make decisions to lash out at groups of innocents in horrific ways are varied and complex, and that solutions cannot be simple “either-ors.”  There are three main schools of thought that I have heard tossed around, and those are 1) An idea of “being the change you want to see in the world”, 2) mental health care access and 3) what do we do about all these guns.  I am going to use this space to break down my thoughts on each of these points.  If you have thought-out responses or disagreements with any of my points, I am very open to hearing your thoughts, as long as they are voiced in a respectful and constructive way, since that is how I am trying to frame my thoughts.

1.   “Be The Change.”  You hear a lot about how some of these people who do these kinds of things were loners, picked on, abused by their peers.  BY NO MEANS do I think that this legitimizes the action of taking the lives of innocents who don’t deserve one’s aggression.  However, I do believe that our actions have ripples, and our kind actions are likely to have kind ripples while our unkind actions are likely to have unkind ripples.  Be nicer to your neighbor than they deserve, even if they seem odd or unreceptive.

This is going to seem slightly off-topic, so bear with me.  We teach young women how to avoid rape, even though if she gets raped, it is not her fault.  (It’s not, and this point is not up for debate with me, sorry.)  The fault lies purely on the rapist.  However, we want to arm the young woman with the tools to do the best that she can to keep herself safe.  Don’t walk in strange places alone after dark.  Walk with your keys between your hands.  Be alert and assertive.  Etc.  By doing this, we are not putting the responsibility on the potential victim for keeping herself safe (if some jerk wants to rape her he will find a way), we are just empowering her to do the best she can.  I am using this as an analogy for my point here.  There are many, many people who are bullied today, and the vast majority of them don’t shoot innocent bystanders; their circumstances are different and they choose different ways of coping with their pain than forcing it on others.  But, there are a few who lash out.  And if some extra kindness and compassion could be the key to stopping an act of violence, even if you don’t feel the person deserves your kindness or compassion, why wouldn’t you go there?

Or, why stop there.  Why wait to act until the problem is bad?  Why not be proactive and look for ways to positively influence the lives of at-risk youth?  The sister of a great friend of mine wrote a wonderful piece on this, and summarizing it would never do it justice, so I’m going to link it here:

http://www.inhabitots.com/how-to-prevent-violence-by-helping-at-risk-kids/

Those are my thoughts on what we can each do in our personal lives to make things better.  Next I am going to write about a couple of systemic issues.

2.  "Advice: 5c" This part of this blog focuses on access to mental health.  There is one very important point I want everyone to keep in mind though, ok?  A person with a mental illness is far, far, far more likely to be the victim of violence than the perpetrator.  I don’t speak about this lightly or without education or experience on the subject.

However, sometimes when a person with a severe mental illness does something violent, their mental illness plays a key role in the violent act.  (This is where my employer comes in.)  So when people speak about better access to mental health care, here are some of the factors at play:

First of all, like I said, I haven’t really read any news articles or watched the news on the Sandy Hook story.  I’ve heard mental illness alluded to with regards to the shooter, but I haven’t bothered to find anything.  I’m not sure if he was diagnosed with a mental illness, but I can tell you that some people do bad things without mental illness being involved.  So yes, better access to mental health care is important for those who have a mental illness, but it isn’t always the fix.  (If someone is diagnosed with a personality disorder, that is different from a mental illness.  Evidence does not show that personality disorders respond particularly well to medication or talk therapy, apart from a therapy called DBT for a subset of personality disorders known as “Cluster B.”)

Secondly, in some cases, and with some illnesses, the illness itself can make a person treatment-resistant.  There are lots of reasons for this.  One commonly cited example is that people with bipolar disorder sometimes do not like to take medication, because in their manic state they are more creative and, in ways, productive, and they do not want that taken away.  (This is certainly not the case for ALL people with bipolar disorder, but it happens this way for some people.)  Others may resist treatment to avoid stigma.  (This goes back to my first topic of focus…we need to treat people with kindness, and confront bullying behavior.  Reducing stigma is everyone’s responsibility.)

Thirdly, who pays for the better mental health care access?  My dream is to someday have a private counseling practice, and at that point, I do intend to take on some clients pro bono.  On the other hand, I worked hard to put myself through graduate school, and I don’t think I should have to resign myself to be stuck with low wages my entire life just because I chose a helping profession.  Mental health professionals deserve a reasonable wage.  I don’t expect to be a millionaire, but I expect to be able to have a family, and feed it too.  I don’t mean to lump a bunch of people into one cluster, but the argument that I’ve heard that “This isn’t about gun control, it’s about better access to mental health care” tends to come from people who are a bit more conservative.  And that’s fine.  But I will say that it also tends to be the more conservative group who opposes publicly funded healthcare.  Now, if you are big on the second amendment AND you are opposed to government-funded social programs, I am wondering if you have a solution for where the money comes from that I haven’t thought of yet.  And I mean that as an honest statement:  if you have ideas, by all means, speak up.  (And don’t just tell me, write to your congress person.)  (I would also like to point out that I am just a social worker, and when fully licensed, will only be able to do talk therapy.  Meeting with a prescriber and getting prescriptions filled is even more costly.)

Now, this is not all to say that I disagree that better access to mental health care is a good idea.  I absolutely agree that it is a good idea, and that it may be helpful in preventing some violent incidents.  I make all these arguments to point out that better access to mental health care, all on its own, is insufficient as a prevention to horrific violence.  (In fact, my whole point in writing this is to highlight that a single-pronged approach, no matter WHAT it is, is insufficient to prevent horrific violence.)

3.  The controversial topic, which everyone seems to have an opinion about.  Gun control.

My gut reaction was this: a world where guns didn’t exist and nobody had them or could get them would be way safer than a world where every person had a gun, and that’s the world I’d rather work toward.

But let’s break it down.  At this point, we are not going to rid guns from our society.  So we can either do what we can to ensure that those who possess guns use them safely, or we can arm everyone so that everyone can protect themselves.

I will say off the bat that I disagree that arming everyone is a good idea.  It creates this whole culture of “don’t harm me because I can harm you.”  To me, this is a culture of fear, and alienation.  My experience with people tells me that, with most people, they pose the biggest threat to me when they are scared and defensive.  I don’t want to live in a world where we are all walking around scared and defensive.  It creates a whole slew of mental health issues (depression and anxiety resulting from alienation and trauma), and it’s MORE, not less, dangerous.

I will also say that I have zero problem with a responsible, level headed person owning some hunting equipment.  I don’t hunt, I don’t like guns and have zero desire to ever own one, but I support healthy hobbies.  And camping with some friends while enjoying the great outdoors and also coming home with something to feed your family with sounds like a mostly healthy hobby to me.  The question here is, how do we predict with a high level of certainty that a person can responsibly own such a weapon?  I also understand that the shooter in the Sandy Hook shootings did not own a gun, and was denied the right to buy one, but stole one from his mother, who was also his victim.  What can be done about all this?  To start off with, I think it needs to be at least as difficult to buy and keep a gun and ammunition as it is to obtain a car and driver’s license.  Some may think this is too restrictive, but I would also like to see anyone wishing to own a gun have a psychological evaluation.  I am concerned about severe mental illness, but I am even more concerned about signs of psychopathy and narcissism, as well as a tendency toward rage or anger.  I also think that if you purchase a gun, it should be mandatory for you to purchase something secure to lock it up in along with the gun, and have penalties associated for failure to maintain/store correctly or for allowing someone else who is not approved to have access to the gun.

As many love to say, “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”  Believe me, I am aware that someone could also kill me with a knife, a rope, a candlestick (in the billiards room!  It was Colonel Mustard!).  So if that’s the case, if there are more weapons available than guns, why don’t we give knives, ropes, candlesticks to police officers so they can use these items as incentive to maintain the peace?  It’s because these items don’t kill quite as quickly, cleanly, or reliably as a gun.  A gun on its own sitting on a shelf kills nobody (unless there is some sort of mechanical problem?), but a gun in the hands of a person who has the capability to snap or the desire to harm others is more dangerous than other weapons.  It can be used to harm someone from a distance, which protects the conscience of its user and it doesn’t require much human force for it to be used properly (at least not relative to stabbing, strangling, or clubbing someone).

I am also uneasy with the idea that having schoolteachers trained to use guns and having them in their classrooms is a good idea.  I think we start sliding down a slippery slope there.  All it would take is one teacher snapping (or being a sociopath in the first place) and deciding to shoot his or her own class, and we’d all be saying that we need to send our kids to school with concealed weapons.  I’ve known and loved a lot of 6 year olds, and believe that they are innocent beings full of light and wonder, but at certain tender young ages, we just don’t understand the consequences of our actions or abstract concepts like death, so I reject the idea that having them carry around weapons is a good idea.

What do I think of certain citizens being allowed to have concealed weapons permits?  The answer to this is that I’m not sure.  I’m told that someone with this sort of permit aimed a gun at the shooter in a recent Clackamas Town Center mall shooting, and that it was at this moment that the shooter shot himself.  I am glad that the shooter was taken out of the position to kill others, but can’t say that I’m happy to hear about the death of any single individual.  I’m not saying that the individual with the concealed weapon did the wrong thing—at all.  Just trying to wrap my head around this situation.  My understanding of a concealed weapons permit is that they are pretty difficult to obtain and there’s a lot to go through.  I also haven’t heard of a mass shooting at the hands of the holder of one of these permits.  I still don’t like the idea of a world where we are all walking around with guns, and I still favor a “love thy neighbor” approach to working toward safety, but in social work they tell us it is important to work within our competency, and I have no real education on what’s involved in getting a concealed weapons permit or why they are important, and therefore I have nothing very valuable to bring to this part of the conversation.

So what am I trying to say?

To tie this all back up together, I think that when a person offers a potential prevention to mass murder/violence, we owe it to that person to hear them out.  They might think of something we haven’t thought of, and we might even be able to add pieces of their argument to our own ideas, making them stronger.  I have heard a lot of people saying that this issue is not about gun control.  I don’t have all the answers, and maybe that argument has something to add to the conversation too, but I don’t think that the idea of gun control is something that we can or should avoid discussing when we keep hearing about horrific acts of violence where a gun was the weapon of choice.  And while not everyone who is mentally ill is violent, and not everyone who is violent is mentally ill, when those two things intersect things get a little dicey, so I DEFINITELY support better access to mental health care, and more research in properly caring for the mentally ill.  (I would love it if more were prevented from coming my way.  It’s not that I don’t like working with my patients, just that I would prefer they were never allowed to get to the points that they did, so they could live freer, happier lives.) 

Perhaps my most important point is that a kinder world is a safer world, and it starts with you.  Go out of your way to be kind wherever you can.

Fellow Christians, our God does not abandon.

Fellow Christians, (the rest of you, feel free to ignore this as it may not make a lot of sense to you...)

Many of you are completely dismayed with the results of last night's election.  Many of you are completely elated.

Please remember that no matter what last night's outcome was, we worship a loving and merciful God, who shelters His people.  Our lives are in His hands.  We belong to neither democrats nor republicans, but to Him.  And no matter how you feel about last night's outcome...now would be a bad time to stop praying for the country.

Just remember what God promised Abraham.  The world and our country are filled with evil, but they are also filled with good, and joy, and random acts of kindness and love for fellow man.  This would be the case no matter who was president.

²³ Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked?²⁴ What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare^[c]the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? ²⁵ Far be it from you to do such a thing—to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”

²⁶ The Lord said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”

²⁷ Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, ²⁸ what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”

“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”

²⁹ Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”

He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”

³⁰ Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”

He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”

³¹ Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”

He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”

³² Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”

He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”

I'll be the first to admit that I'm naive.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm naive.

But I really, truly believe that the common person does what he or she thinks is the right thing.

I believe that most people vote for what they think is moral.

I will not speak for any person who runs for president, because I think people who run for president are greedy.  Believe me, you don't want to hear my soap box on that.

A mark of maturity is to be able to hold seemingly conflicting truths at the same time.

Someone may support something you think is evil...AND...they might still be a good person.  In fact, they may genuinely believe that YOUR belief is evil.

Some of my friends will read this and think I wrote it with them in mind.  They may be partially right.  There are many more with whom I wrote this in mind who will not get it at all.

Just please remember that your fellow woman or man is still your fellow woman or man, and that you aren't going to change anybody's mind by spitting vitriol at them.

Respectful dialogue is the name of the game.  Don't tell me "but so and so doesn't play nice!" because you can't control anyone else's actions, only your own.  So let it start with you.

And I hope you are still my friend after election season.

Sacrifice

Last winter, at the gym, my Group Power instructor mentioned to the class that she worked for UPS as a loader.  As many of my friends know, my dad has worked at UPS since I was about 4 years old, so a few Group Power classes later, I approached her at the end of the class to see if she knew him.

She and I talked about UPS for quite awhile, and she said something that struck me.  She was talking about how the UPS driver's schedule can be pretty brutal, and she wondered whether my dad was able to make it to my sport events or other after school activities much when I was a kid.

I remember him being there for some t-ball and soft ball games when he could strongarm his way out of work early.  And maybe a choir concert and swim meet or two.  And my mom always taped our grade school programs so he could at least see the video.  I don't remember it once ever bothering me though.  My dad spent tons of time with us on the weekends.  He taught me to throw a softball and to wash my car.  (And always told me I needed to learn to change the oil in my car, then would always end up doing it for me!)  There were always lots of hugs and "I love you"s and he even got involved with my high school youth group, which met on Sundays.  There has never, ever been a doubt in my mind that my dad loves me completely, and he has always been there for me.

So her question struck me a little oddly in the moment.  I guess, no, my dad wasn't able to make it to most of that stuff, but was it that abnormal?

A few weeks ago I was talking to my dad about my youngest brother, about how he'd wanted to come home for the weekend and see a Beavers game, but he couldn't get away from work.  I remarked that it was too bad that work got in the way of real life, and my dad said something about how that had been reality for him for a long time.

And then a whole new understanding hit me in the face.

My Group Power instructor wasn't suggesting that I grew up feeling unloved, she was referring to the fact that, due to supporting the family, my dad gave up a lot of things that I'm sure he wishes with his whole heart he could have been there for.

I hope and pray that I learn to give this kind of self-giving love to my future husband (310 days!) and future children someday.  I feel so blessed to have two wonderful parents who have spent my life demonstrating Christian love for my brothers and I.

Could you survive poverty without asking for help?

http://playspent.org

Try it.

Sex Offender Registration

This post may end up being my least popular one yet.  But it's something I feel strongly about, and frankly, it's tough to get me to sthu about something I feel strongly about.

I am all for protecting children in whatever fair ways we can.  I am totally against doing it in a way that is unfair and doesn't make sense.

In Oregon, if you have a kidnapping I or II offense against a minor who is not a relative, you must register as a sex offender, even if no sexual offense occurred.  Don't believe me?

Source: http://www.oregon.gov/osp/SOR/pages/or_reg_sex_crimes.aspx
(Scroll down almost to the last statutes, to 163.225 and 163.235.)

For anyone out there who is a parent or who cares about one or more children they know, the thought of one of those sweet innocents being taken somewhere against their will is probably one of the most horrifying things you can imagine.  And I don't know why this law went into effect.  Perhaps there was some research and some correlation between kidnapping and having a motive for sexually offending the victim.

BUT--what about people who have committed an admittedly horrible crime, but did not sexually offend the child?  What if the kidnapping was due to believing the child was in danger?  Also, if you look at the legal definition of kidnapping, it could be refusing to let someone else's child leave a certain space, against their will.  If you think about the crazy things humans do, you can probably come up with lots of scenarios in which this is less serious than it sounds, and someone decides to press charges due to a personal vendetta.

What I am NOT saying is that there needs to be no consequence for kidnapping.

What I am saying is that it doesn't make sense to force someone who is not a sex offender to register as a sex offender.

If this rings true with you, please join me in writing your local congressperson about this issue.

Thank you.

I'm not his perfect match

In less than a year, I am getting married to the love of my life.  And I am not his perfect match.

He is neat as a pin, and likes a place for everything, and everything in its place.  Clutter doesn't really bother me.

His idea of a great night is watching a movie or some TV shows and eating dinner.  Too many nights like this, and I start to fidget, and get stir crazy, and bug him to take me on adventures.

He likes a comfortable, indoor environment, without the hassle of big crowds.  I drag him to big weddings and family get togethers, many of which are outside in the summer heat.

We both like sports; I am grateful that he has become a fan of my Beavers, and I think he is happy to have a fiance who likes sports so much.  However, he prefers to get to the stadium an hour early after a nice, indoor meal.  I like to tailgate with my family for several hours, rain or shine, and get to my seats about 20-30 minutes before kickoff.

Guess what else?  Sometimes we argue.  Presumably comfortable in finally gaining some official-ness or stability in our relationship, our first fight was about 1 week after we first said "I love you."  The first 4-5 months of being together (together 2,000 miles apart!) was trial by fire.  We argued about everything you can think of.  Some of those things were understandable, and some of those things were a little more petty.  (This is for another post, but I actually think this is one of the healthiest things about our relationship.  We were defining our contract, so to speak.)

There are many things I love about my fiance, and there are many things we agree about.  But it is not in spite of not being "perfect matches" that our love and commitment is so strong; it is precisely because of them.

Our relationship has been fun, uplifting, satisfying.  But equally, it has been hard work.  And it should be.  Love does not "feel good" all of the time.  And it shouldn't.  Love should make you more selfless.  Love should make you a better person.  Love should be deeply satisfying, but it is not free of cost.  Because you get what you pay for.

The way movies influence us...

The first time Zach came to Oregon, I was telling him everything I could possibly think of to make his first experience with air travel happen as smoothly as possible. After all, I wanted him to get here, be relaxed, have fun, and want to do it again.  So I did my very best not to sugar-coat things.  I wanted there to be no surprises.

I told him about checked bags vs. carry-ons, "pink tags", and how you board a Southwest flight.  I told him about getting there early, what to expect going through security, and how tiny and cramped planes are.  I explained that the aisles are very narrow, and that the bathrooms barely give you enough room to spin a full circle.

A couple of things surprised him.  First of all, his layover was in Kansas City, and depending which gates you must use it can be a horrible place for a layover.  He had to leave the area behind security and go back through it.  But he made it.

Secondly, nothing I said convinced him just how cramped airplanes are.  "That's not how it looks in the movies!" he said.

We know movies and TV are not reality, but if we are not vigilant and questioning, we may allow them to fill in the blanks for things we really know little about.  I remember when I was in 9th grade, my English teacher brought to our attention how incongruous the lifestyles of sitcom families were with the professions of the parents and what their income realistically would be.  She highlighted how this kind of thing creates this perception about what kind of lifestyles we should be able to afford.

I don't even know what got me started thinking on this.  I think I was thinking about how sometimes I like a little brain candy after a hard week of work, so I will laugh it up at stupid mindless comedy movies.  In the summer of 2009, I saw The Hangover four times.  It cracked me up, came up with ridiculous situations and predicaments, and gave me an escape from a stressful job for a couple of hours.  And it got me excited for what would be my upcoming trip to Las Vegas.

I guess it was sometime after that, I started to think about the characters.  The four main ones are a bunch of good old boys...and they are all white.  Hey, you know, there's nothing explicitly wrong with that.  Then I began to think of some of the other characters...the families and significant others of the main characters--also all white.  So I started to think about whether there were any characters that were from any minority groups.  As follows:

Leslie Chow, an Asian gangster who acts in bizarre ways and is a major antagonist in the plot
Mike Tyson, who acts violently by punching a main character
"Black Doug" who sells drugs

So how does this fill in the blanks for folks, especially people who live in very non-diverse places, like just about anywhere in Oregon?

What do people think?  Does this movie perpetuate harmful stereotypes?  I mentioned racism, but does this movie also perpetuate harmful stereotypes about women and men?

And why, 3 years after the fact, am I the first person I know of to be asking these questions?

Comfortably Numb

Tsunamis.  Katrina.  Earthquakes.  Haiti.  More tsunamis.  Now another hurricane is set to hit Louisiana.  And it's not fair.  That region has not yet begun to recover, and now they are trying to prepare for more.

And you know what?  It's bringing out something in me that I'm not proud of.

I can't bring myself to care.

I just can't dwell on it.  I can't.  I avoid the news to avoid hearing about it.  I might say a general prayer for people around the world in harm's way, but I can't even bring myself to pray directly for these big disasters.  I don't know what I'm afraid of.  I can't think about what those people are going through, I can just barely acknowledge that there is some big disaster going on and that lives are going to be turned upside down.

What is wrong with me??  I've formed the beginnings of an entire career around caring about people who are hurting the most.  Why is it so hard to give some of my attention to these big disasters that affect so many?

Maybe it's a control thing.  In the jobs I've had, I may not have ultimate control over the outcome of anything, but at least I can do things to directly impact a hopefully more favorable outcome.  

These big disasters just seem insurmountable.  I feel powerless to do anything about them.  So I cut myself off of caring about them, and it's awful.  When the tsunamis in Japan were happening, I was working in residential treatment for kids with mental illnesses.  I remember sitting in a classroom where the teacher was showing the kids video footage of the earthquakes and water rushing up from the ground.  I went to the bathroom like 3 times during that hour, not because I had to go, but because I just didn't even want to be in the same room as those videos playing.

Am I the only one?  Does anyone else avoid these things?  Or has anyone else experienced the same feeling I have, and found a way to get over it, to open themselves up to caring more?

Respect

Lately, I've been hearing a lot of degrading of others' personal views.  Mostly on facebook, where of course it is easier to confront others.  My fiance calls this phenomenon "Keyboard rambo."  Ha.

Examples: posting cartoons and comics about why religion (usually Christianity) sucks.  Posting about how stupid all the "libs" are and how they are ruining the country.  Posting about how evil and heartless all the republicans are.  You could probably consider this statement as being a "keyboard rambo" myself, but so be it:  I think all of this is extremely childish.  It shows a simplistic understanding, at best, of another person's worldview, without any consideration that this may be something deeply held and treasured to the other person.

And I'm not just being sensitive about others attacking my own views.  I make it no secret that I'm Catholic, and I try to make it no secret (and I hope the way I live my life speaks for itself although  I'm not proud of everything I do) that I take that very seriously.  It is my foundation not only in my life, but in my career.  I have the Prayer of St. Francis tacked up in my cubicle and I meditate on it every time I anticipate a difficult meeting/session with a patient.  But I will defend the beauty in your own spiritual beliefs whether you are Protestant, Islam, Sikh, Zoroastrian, or anything else including having spiritual beliefs that are not tied to a specific religion.  If you ask me where I fall politically, well, that is a much longer conversation than just answering "conservative" or "liberal."  I may disagree with you on a particular topic or stance, but here's the thing:

I believe in the goodness in others.  I believe that even if what you advocate runs directly counter to what I advocate, it is coming from a good place, and you are following your conscience to the best of your ability.  If someone post something along the lines of "the libs do this" or "Christians are hateful because they xy and z", it makes me think that person is either simply reacting emotionally or hasn't really done their homework.

Some peoples' religious and political beliefs are so personally deeply held and cherished that if you are going to make a simplistic, derogatory, blanket statement about those beliefs, you may as well be insulting that person's significant other or parents or younger sibling.  How is that ever going to be a productive conversation?  You're going to get that much more resistance from them, and they are never going to want to see your side.  Or maybe that's the effect you're going for; maybe you want them to react that way so you can make a point about how you want to see them.

As a final note, I realize a lot of you have been hurt by something a particular belief or value system has done, and you have every right to be angry.  Just please be aware of how you could be hurting someone by cutting them down rather than trying to understand them.

Vicarious (aka Secondary) Trauma

Anyone ever have something pop up in their memory a bunch of times within a short span?  I keep thinking about a particular incident, and since I naturally have a lot of friends who've done similar work as I have, I felt that this was an important thing to check in on.  Also, if it kept popping up in my mind, it may be for a reason.

So this memory is from about 3 years ago.  It was within my last few weeks living in Corvallis before grad school.

One thing my Corvallis/college/Dixon Lodge/Blue House friends and I loved to do sometimes as cheap entertainment was take a walk out to the Covered Bridge.  The Covered Bridge is, well, a covered bridge that spans a creek that runs across a path through an agricultural area of Oregon State University's campus.  It is a peaceful spot at night to go out and watch stars.  Not to say that you won't likely encounter a couple other people, but it stays fairly quiet.

Well, both Chris and I were moving away from Corvallis at roughly the same time (within a week of one another) so he, Caitlin and I decided to go for one last Covered Bridge walk (sniff sniff..those were good times!).

I was working in Child Welfare at that time, and my first go-round with Child Welfare was a little rough.  I wasn't as fast a learner as my first supervisor had hoped, and I went through a period where my future there was a little uncertain.  I made it through that period, but a combination of some lingering concern about that due to some conflicting communication styles between my supervisor and I, and the nature of the work itself, had an impact on me and to some degree on my functioning.

So we were walking along this path, which is pretty sparsely lit, just talking and having a great time.  Since we always just kind of strolled along and enjoyed ourselves, it was pretty common for someone who was out for a workout to pass us from behind.  This happened this time, a man was on a jog and passed us as he got close to us.  But for some reason, that one time, it triggered something really odd in me...it startled me so badly that before I had a chance to even realize I'd been startled, I was suddenly on the ground, protecting my head with my hands, screaming bloody murder.

That poor guy...

Anyway, once I realized what happened, I looked up at Chris and Caitlin, who paused briefly to look puzzled before bending over in gut-splitting laughter.  I cracked up too, because the whole situation was (and is!) pretty comical.  But my heart was still racing. 

It is only now,  few years later, that I can recognize this as a sign of Vicarious (or Secondary) Trauma, hereby shortened to VT.

VT is something that occurs to some people who work in helping professions.  One thing it is not is having a trauma reaction to seeing something or hearing something specific: that is actual trauma.  VT can have some similar symptoms to trauma, but it is not the effect of any one thing.  Instead, it is a reaction to an accumulation of being witness to others' suffering.  It happens especially when you feel a responsibility to have a positive impact on others' suffering, and even more so when you feel hopeless or powerless to do so. (One of the best explanations I have read on VT: http://headington-institute.org/Default.aspx?tabid=2648 )

Several months before, I remember feeling really weird about life.  Maybe a little anxious, not exactly numb, and I wasn't depressed, but something had just felt "off" for awhile.  I tried to explain this sensation to a great friend/co-worker.  I had mentioned that something felt "off" and she tried to help me un-pack it, but I couldn't really even talk about it because I didn't fully understand it.  In retrospect, I saw the lives of lots of my clients crumbling and felt partially responsible...which made me feel guilty.  I also just felt really sad about all the suffering I was seeing.  In a word (or two): Vicarious Trauma.

Now, I had heard of Vicarious Trauma before I experienced this, and I knew a little about it.  But I didn't know enough about it to know that's what I was going through, and I certainly didn't have the words to talk about it.  I think if I did, that would have helped.

Instead, I got a little untrusting and easily irritated for a period of time.  (This also happened to be the period of time in which my now-fiance and I were getting to know one another.  Lucky for me he stuck around to get to the better part!)

I had a break from this all when I went to grad school, but after a few months of being back into Child Welfare, I started feeling that way again.  Armed with at least the knowledge that I shouldn't feel that way, I began seeing a counselor.  She was good for me and a calming force, but she started exploring the concept of attention deficit with me.  I thought this was interesting, and that it might help account for some of my disorganization, but I ran it by a couple of people who have known me since I was a kid, and they said they never would have thought that about me.  So it made me really question that, since attention deficit isn't known for having an adult-onset type.

Really, what it boiled down to was leftover VT from working Child Welfare previously.  And once I realized that, I was able to process it...which in turn reduced my work-related anxiety, and helped me be much more productive.

Now, I want to say that I do not tell this story as a "poor me, look what I've been through, show me pity" thing.  I wouldn't trade my life for anyone's.  I've had it easier than anyone I know, and I could fill 100 pages with blessings for every page I could fill with hardships about my life.  I am telling it because if there is someone else out there who has felt this way...you are not alone.  It's a pretty normal reaction to working in any sort of helping profession, and you should talk to someone you trust.  And you are welcome to talk to me.

Switch to a more political/philosophical topic

I believe in privilege and power and the role it plays in our lives.

I was talking today to someone who thinks completely opposite of me.  Which is a valid position to hold, even though I disagree with it, but it fascinates me how something that I see everywhere--some see nowhere.

Are our lives a product of our decisions?  Well, yes, but the decisions we make depend on what choices are available to us.  And if you ask me, there is a VAST variety of the range of peoples' choices.

For instance--I am white.  I am German, French, Dutch, Belgian, and maybe just a little Scotch.  Therefore, I can easily ignore race.  In this country, especially in my little corner of it, if somebody is not white and only white, race is not something they can ignore.  Being not white makes them "different" or "other" and they are confronted with it on a daily basis.

Because I work in such a freakishly un-diverse county, poverty is something that plays a huge role in the differences between people.  The amount of money someone has contributes so much to his or her power, status, and privilege.

For instance--we all make better choices in life when we are not stressed out.  But if you don't know where the next meal is coming from for you and your kids, and you are a single mother, you might latch on to a man--ANY MAN--who can help you get non-negotiable necessities.  You might even think you are being a good, resourceful parent for doing so.  And you may not have the resources to check what his background is like.  Once you start adding in factors such as addiction, having been neglected or abused or molested in your own childhood...well, unless you've been there you probably can't imagine what it is like to try to make all the right decisions for your family while everything is all muddled.  On top of that, let's say you have a state agency on top of you telling that you are doing things wrong and you better shape up or else your kids will get taken from you...how do you not just blow a gasket?  Have a psychotic break?

And here's the question I perpetually struggle with--If I, the holder of privilege and power, am charged with helping 15+ families recover from these kinds of situations, and have 40 hours per week to do so, where the heck do I draw the boundaries??  I can't get enough work done in 40 hours to be considered social justice.  But the state doesn't want to pay us overtime anymore, and I also don't want to work for free.  But should I, in the name of social justice?  Where does my work end and I begin?  How do people in positions of power who want to affect social justice in an overworked system manage?

Purpose

So I started this intending to get more political, and it will come, but the things I tend to be mulling lately are more spiritual in nature.  And religion is also considered to be an impolite dinner topic, so we're gonna go with it.

People who know me know that my job causes me a significant amount of anxiety.  I'm always worrying that I'm not doing enough to help my clients, or please the judge or the attorneys or the review board or the special advocate or the foster parents or...

But...I'd be lying if I said my job didn't bring me a certain sense of satisfaction.  This is not to say that I want to be in this job forever, but it is in my target "field" of work, and sometimes I get to make a positive difference in someone's life, when I am not busy shuffling papers to make central office happy.  It is in keeping with what I feel is my vocation.

To that end, if I believe that my vocation is my calling, and that by following my calling I am doing the kind of work God wants me to do, I am worried about pleasing all the wrong people.  Yes, I need to do good work and follow what is expected of me so I can keep my job, but in the end, I answer to God.  I left my office tonight at 6:30, annoyed with the voicemails I had from people who were annoyed with me for not having returned their calls yet, and I thought to myself "Man, they think I'm neglecting them, I bet few of them are neglecting themselves the way I am."

Then I went on facebook.  A facebook friend had posted the following:

"I am a servant to my creator."

That said it all.  I may serve others, but it is all in the name of serving God.  I have to do the best work I can, but nobody is coming to my home to take care of me except me.  And if I let my job suck me dry, I have nothing to give my clients.  If all I can do on a 3 day weekend is lie around catatonic, and I still don't feel refreshed by the end of the weekend, somewhere I am getting my priorities wrong.

I pray that I can become a more effective caseworker by letting go a little more.