Two losses in my life have not been people that I loved then departed, they have been losses that occurred before I had the chance to love. My dad's oldest brother passed away before my dad got to high school, and my mom's dad passed away when my mom was in college. These people would have otherwise been a part of my inner circle, but it was not to be and I know them only through few and far between anecdotes.
In the case of my maternal grandfather, it is very strange to me to think that I get fully one quarter of my DNA from him; he is not someone I know, not someone whose idiosyncrasies I could identify on my own, not someone I have stories about. And yet, he is part of me.
In a small collision of worlds, an uncle through marriage on my dad's side of the family knew my Grandpa Ed, worked for him for a time. What's interesting is that this uncle says that he looked a great deal like my youngest brother, Danny. I've heard this before, my grandmother even once commented that Danny had a cowlick in his hair that was just like my grandfather's. But what my uncle says is that not only does Danny have similar physical characteristics, but he carries himself the same way and has the same mannerisms, facial expressions, gestures. These are not things that my mom shares, so it seems like an extremely slim possibility that these are learned behaviors. In this case, Danny (or certain things about him) is evidence of the presence of my grandfather.
In my younger days, I mostly had friends who were a lot like me in terms of many things, such as life goals, values, etc. When I went to OSU, for the first time, I had a large group of friends where we were all different from each other in several key ways. I guess you could say I was the "religious" friend, being the only one that regularly practices a particular mainstream religion. Growing up I had heard several defenses for not having many, if any, not-Christian friends (mainly from a particular magazine I read at the time) unless I was trying to evangelize them, but I was uncomfortable with being "friends" with someone just for the sake of making them a project. Besides, I love these people a whole lot. They all know where I stand with regards to religion, they know they can ask me questions, and I hope and pray that the good I do can somehow, sometimes be connected to my beliefs but this is by no means the sole purpose of my friendship with them.
If I believe wholeheartedly in my religion, then based on what Catholicism teaches, God should be absolutely the #1 priority in my life. This is what I believe, and I struggle mightily to live my life that way. (I fail a lot and continue to try and do better--it is a lifelong process, as expected.) I, then, have heard the argument that I should only be giving my time to people who can bring me closer to this goal, and on rare occasions I have been challenged that if I am not actively evangelizing my friends who are not Christians, then I have no business being friends with them.
However, just like many of my grandfather's traits have shown up in my brother without my brother knowing my grandfather, I believe that God's divine nature is revealed through His creation, whether they know Him or not. Perhaps selfishly, but I am honestly not part of my friend groups based on what I bring to those groups, although it is my hope that I bring something to my friends; I am friends with my friends because of the fulfillment, enjoyment, and companionship they bring to ME, based simply on the amazing and wonderful beings they are. They reveal to me something important about God's nature.
Last night, I took Zach to a concert as a belated birthday gift. They are a favorite band of Zach's and I only had ever heard one of their songs. Far from being a Christian-themed band, I came away from the concert feeling uplifted, almost as if the concert had been a spiritual experience, and perhaps it was. The musicians were so talented that I was blown away, even though some things about the venue were physically uncomfortable. I believe that music is joyous and beautiful and that God is presence in its making and performing, even if His name is not explicitly on it. The same could be said about nature, about art, pets!
Yet, in my belief system, humanity was the crowning jewel of creation, and we are God's most treasured and beloved creatures; His characteristics are built into us, and we must recognize that in one another.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Thursday, April 3, 2014
With God, all things are possible
I know of a few families lately hit by seemingly unbearable tragedies, one of them striking closer to home because both the bereaved and deceased have been good friends to me. It's amazing how life keeps moving, how you go along with the daily routines when it's not someone who was part of your daily life, but when you stop to think about it, it just becomes unthinkable, unimaginable.
I find myself so amazed by survival in these circumstances. I have serious doubts about my ability to withstand any such tragedy, about my ability to even want to. So, especially since we Catholics are in the middle of lent, I have been doing the only thing I can think to do: pray. I feel like I am benefiting unfairly from someone else's crisis, but knowing these people going through these life-changing tragedies has made me more prayerful.
The other day, I was praying a sort of meditative prayer, when I suddenly felt inspired to pray for joy for these people. The moment the thought popped into my head, I felt annoyed, perhaps even angry with myself. "Who am I to ask for joy for them?" I thought. "Is that even appropriate? Is that even possible?"
Whoa. I just totally questioned God's power and His grace.
I literally questioned whether it was possible for Him to give joy to someone who was mourning.
Isn't that what He does? Isn't that part of what makes Him quintessentially God? Bringing joy to those who are weary with sorrow?
It can be annoying when people try to cheer us up. It can feel invalidating, and sometimes it's about their inability to handle our pain rather than a genuine desire for us to feel better, or sometimes it's a mixture. (Of course, sometimes it's genuine too.)
But joy is not happiness. Happiness is fleeting. It is an emotion, and it's a great one and we all should be able to experience it. That, also, is not a bad thing to pray for. Joy, however, is more permeating. It is more like hopefulness and steadfastness and a sense of spiritual connectedness. It is a source of strength, and at times of happiness, and it's not too much to ask, for anyone, no matter the circumstances.
I can't believe there was a moment where I doubted that it was a good thing to pray for.
I find myself so amazed by survival in these circumstances. I have serious doubts about my ability to withstand any such tragedy, about my ability to even want to. So, especially since we Catholics are in the middle of lent, I have been doing the only thing I can think to do: pray. I feel like I am benefiting unfairly from someone else's crisis, but knowing these people going through these life-changing tragedies has made me more prayerful.
The other day, I was praying a sort of meditative prayer, when I suddenly felt inspired to pray for joy for these people. The moment the thought popped into my head, I felt annoyed, perhaps even angry with myself. "Who am I to ask for joy for them?" I thought. "Is that even appropriate? Is that even possible?"
Whoa. I just totally questioned God's power and His grace.
I literally questioned whether it was possible for Him to give joy to someone who was mourning.
Isn't that what He does? Isn't that part of what makes Him quintessentially God? Bringing joy to those who are weary with sorrow?
It can be annoying when people try to cheer us up. It can feel invalidating, and sometimes it's about their inability to handle our pain rather than a genuine desire for us to feel better, or sometimes it's a mixture. (Of course, sometimes it's genuine too.)
But joy is not happiness. Happiness is fleeting. It is an emotion, and it's a great one and we all should be able to experience it. That, also, is not a bad thing to pray for. Joy, however, is more permeating. It is more like hopefulness and steadfastness and a sense of spiritual connectedness. It is a source of strength, and at times of happiness, and it's not too much to ask, for anyone, no matter the circumstances.
I can't believe there was a moment where I doubted that it was a good thing to pray for.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
The Decade of Discovery
A few months ago, I saw a Buzzfeed posts about “The Definitive Ranking of Years in your 20s.” It was a mildly entertaining read, but for me, they got it all wrong.
Since I just exited my own decade of 20sness 10 days ago, I consider myself a consummate expert on the topic. So here it is: My own list of how my 20s went!
#10: 26
I think 26 was the only year of my 20s that I can say I actively disliked. Even my 26th birthday occurred on a busy day at my internship where everything was in chaos (I worked in a school district, and within the past few days 3 kids had died! Ouch!) While I appreciated my time in graduate school, I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it, and 26 was the only year of my life in which I spent the entire time being a grad student. Also, while being in graduate school, I was trying to manage being in a long-distance relationship, and frequently worried about what the next step was and how we were going to become not-long-distance. Too much stress, too little companionship, 26 was my least favorite.
#9: 22
It’s not that 22 was a bad year, but in terms of the years in this awesome decade, it happens to rank near the bottom. I was still at OSU, which I dearly loved, but the newness of it had worn off, and I was, as are most 22 year olds, struggling to figure out my place in the world and what I was going to do with my life. Also, I was 22 when my grandfather passed away.
#8: 24
24 was another year of growing and figuring myself out. Though I got my first post-college full-time job when I was 23 (with Child Welfare) I was 24 before I started getting cases and really doing the work. While this was exciting, it was stressful as I figured out a difficult system working with vulnerable people, and as I figured out how to do a job with very real and urgent responsibility. Also, the Beavs had a great season but the Civil War was the biggest heartbreak ever.
#7: 20
The first part of this year was not that great. I was in community college at Chemeketa, and involved in a close friendship that was becoming unhealthy. However, the summer of 20 was lots of fun, involved lots of local adventures with friends (including one infamous camp-out in the back yard, and for those who were there all I really have to say is “steamrolling”). Then, at the end of the summer, I started a wonderful adventure at OSU and likely a life-long love affair with the city of Corvallis. I also met the best friends I would make in my 20s when I was 20.
#6: 25
The year began with me finding my stride in my work as a caseworker (though it was still extremely stressful to the point of being painful at times, which is why this year isn’t ranked higher), and then I fulfilled an important life goal by being accepted to the MSW program at Portland State. I had a memorable trip to Las Vegas with two great friends, began school, and visited Peoria for the first time!
#5: 27
27 was a mixture of things. It was slogging through my last few months of being a graduate student, but it was also getting my MSW! It was having Zach move to the Portland area, then having to move 3 hours away for a new job, but getting to live ON THE BEACH for a couple of months…in the summer! It was going back to Child Welfare, and that was very stressful (talk about sleepless nights…) but it was also where I gained confidence in my own skill, competency, and work ethic. I also got my very first (and only) place to myself!
#4: 28
Since I just exited my own decade of 20sness 10 days ago, I consider myself a consummate expert on the topic. So here it is: My own list of how my 20s went!
#10: 26
I think 26 was the only year of my 20s that I can say I actively disliked. Even my 26th birthday occurred on a busy day at my internship where everything was in chaos (I worked in a school district, and within the past few days 3 kids had died! Ouch!) While I appreciated my time in graduate school, I can’t say I particularly enjoyed it, and 26 was the only year of my life in which I spent the entire time being a grad student. Also, while being in graduate school, I was trying to manage being in a long-distance relationship, and frequently worried about what the next step was and how we were going to become not-long-distance. Too much stress, too little companionship, 26 was my least favorite.
#9: 22
It’s not that 22 was a bad year, but in terms of the years in this awesome decade, it happens to rank near the bottom. I was still at OSU, which I dearly loved, but the newness of it had worn off, and I was, as are most 22 year olds, struggling to figure out my place in the world and what I was going to do with my life. Also, I was 22 when my grandfather passed away.
#8: 24
24 was another year of growing and figuring myself out. Though I got my first post-college full-time job when I was 23 (with Child Welfare) I was 24 before I started getting cases and really doing the work. While this was exciting, it was stressful as I figured out a difficult system working with vulnerable people, and as I figured out how to do a job with very real and urgent responsibility. Also, the Beavs had a great season but the Civil War was the biggest heartbreak ever.
#7: 20
The first part of this year was not that great. I was in community college at Chemeketa, and involved in a close friendship that was becoming unhealthy. However, the summer of 20 was lots of fun, involved lots of local adventures with friends (including one infamous camp-out in the back yard, and for those who were there all I really have to say is “steamrolling”). Then, at the end of the summer, I started a wonderful adventure at OSU and likely a life-long love affair with the city of Corvallis. I also met the best friends I would make in my 20s when I was 20.
#6: 25
The year began with me finding my stride in my work as a caseworker (though it was still extremely stressful to the point of being painful at times, which is why this year isn’t ranked higher), and then I fulfilled an important life goal by being accepted to the MSW program at Portland State. I had a memorable trip to Las Vegas with two great friends, began school, and visited Peoria for the first time!
#5: 27
27 was a mixture of things. It was slogging through my last few months of being a graduate student, but it was also getting my MSW! It was having Zach move to the Portland area, then having to move 3 hours away for a new job, but getting to live ON THE BEACH for a couple of months…in the summer! It was going back to Child Welfare, and that was very stressful (talk about sleepless nights…) but it was also where I gained confidence in my own skill, competency, and work ethic. I also got my very first (and only) place to myself!
When I was 28, I got hired at my current job, which currently holds the title of the best job I’ve ever had. I visited my youngest brother for the first time in his first post-college environment, and we went on the most grueling hike I’ve ever been on. It was only a month later that I got engaged! My now-in-laws came to visit Oregon for the first time ever, and we were able to treat them to a beautiful, sunny day at the Oregon coast (because when does that happen?) and introduced them to my parents, with whom they hit it off
famously.
#3: 21
It seems cliché that 21 would be so far up on my list, but it truly was a fantastic year! My birthday fell during my first year at OSU, and a ton of friend old and new were there in Corvallis to help me celebrate. It was this great intersection of youth and freedom coupled with a lot of growth and overcoming. That summer, I went to Germany and the Netherlands with my brother, cousin, and a friend of ours, and in the fall I moved into my first true renting (and not on-campus living) situation with some awesome friends.
#2: 23
Oh man. It started when my roommates woke me up at midnight, popped open a bottle of bubbly, and gave me a new rolling pin and bread pan! (I baked a lot of bread as a coping skill in college.) (I still have my rolling pin and it’s my only one.) It continued as follows: I graduated from OSU, I got my first job in the social work field (woohoo Farm Home!), I moved into a frat with my friend Erin as a budgetary thing (it was cheap, Farm Home had low census and couldn’t offer me many hours), and Erin and I basically partied like very poor rock stars all summer long. (“What are you doing today?” “Nothing.” “Wanna lay out then float the river again?” “Yup.”) I then got my first full-time post-graduating job with Child Welfare, and that whole adventure began! (Oh, and the Beavs won the College World Series for the second year in a row!)
#1: 29
What can I say? I think I hit my stride at 29. I started the year as an engaged woman, got thrown an awesome bachelorette party and bridal shower during the summer, and got married in the fall with an awesome honeymoon to Vegas following. And, I got to solidify that I get to spend all the living years of one of us with the love of my life!
famously.
#3: 21
It seems cliché that 21 would be so far up on my list, but it truly was a fantastic year! My birthday fell during my first year at OSU, and a ton of friend old and new were there in Corvallis to help me celebrate. It was this great intersection of youth and freedom coupled with a lot of growth and overcoming. That summer, I went to Germany and the Netherlands with my brother, cousin, and a friend of ours, and in the fall I moved into my first true renting (and not on-campus living) situation with some awesome friends.
#2: 23
Oh man. It started when my roommates woke me up at midnight, popped open a bottle of bubbly, and gave me a new rolling pin and bread pan! (I baked a lot of bread as a coping skill in college.) (I still have my rolling pin and it’s my only one.) It continued as follows: I graduated from OSU, I got my first job in the social work field (woohoo Farm Home!), I moved into a frat with my friend Erin as a budgetary thing (it was cheap, Farm Home had low census and couldn’t offer me many hours), and Erin and I basically partied like very poor rock stars all summer long. (“What are you doing today?” “Nothing.” “Wanna lay out then float the river again?” “Yup.”) I then got my first full-time post-graduating job with Child Welfare, and that whole adventure began! (Oh, and the Beavs won the College World Series for the second year in a row!)
#1: 29
What can I say? I think I hit my stride at 29. I started the year as an engaged woman, got thrown an awesome bachelorette party and bridal shower during the summer, and got married in the fall with an awesome honeymoon to Vegas following. And, I got to solidify that I get to spend all the living years of one of us with the love of my life!
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Being ready
"Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect."
On February 5th, my friend Ethan*, who had been a good friend during some of the years I'd lived in Corvallis passed away tragically in a car wreck. A little over two years ago, he married Charlotte*, who was my roommate for 2 years, also a very good friend during many of the years I lived in Corvallis.
Of course, upon hearing the news I was shocked and sad. Sad because I will not ever see him again in this life, and also nearly unbearably sad imagining Charlotte's sudden life-altering loss. I think the fact that my own wedding is so recent and fresh in my mind makes it hit home even more for me; it is not terribly difficult to imagine how this event would not only mean the death of my partner, but the death of the dreams we had for our future together. It's so much loss, all at once.
I hadn't spent a lot of time with Charlotte and Ethan over the past few years; though I considered them lovely people with whom I had fond memories, I hadn't been particularly close to them in some time. Almost to the point that I wondered if it was truly my place to show up at the funeral. (Because of course it was good that I went, but I worry about these things, ok??)
My brother Steven ended up staying with Zach and I the night before the funeral, so he carpooled with me down to Corvallis. We pulled up and parked in front of our old college parish, over half an hour early, so we sat in the car for a moment before going inside, and actually watched Charlotte walk in. My heart just dropped and I wondered just how I could come up with the right words to say to her.
Of course, we couldn't stay in the car forever, so we eventually walked in. Charlotte was pretty much the first person I made eye contact with and for a moment that seemed like forever, I just froze. I didn't know whether to leave her alone and let her be with her family, or to go and say something.
Then the most amazing thing happened.
Upon seeing me, she gave me a huge, genuine smile.
We walked to each other and embraced for the longest time, shaking and crying a little, exchanged "I love you"s (because seriously, what the heck do you say??), and then spent a couple of minutes connecting like it was 2006 again. We laughed at a mutual friend's goofiness. We had a brief but meaningful conversation about what it had been like for her to both be taken care of and the importance of her kind of mutually leaning on people who were also badly hurting.
And during that time, I marveled in her strength. Don't get me wrong, the woman has a long and difficult journey ahead of her. And no doubt, the adrenaline of finally getting some closure (the funeral was postponed several days due to inclement weather) and being around so many loving people was propping her up a bit, but I've known Charlotte a long time and I know something about her character. There was a rawness to her, this cloud of "what next?" about her, but at her core, she was strong. She had something to hope in.
I also think of a woman I know from high school who lost her 9 month old son about a month ago due to an unidentified illness the child had since his premature birth. She and her husband are grieving and figuring out how to move forward, but maintaining a positive attitude through it all, one that seems genuine, and one I don't know how I'd be able to carry out.
Right now, if I was in Charlotte's shoes, I would not have her core of strength. I don't know how I would move forward, but I'm not ruling out losing my job, burning through my savings, and becoming homeless. So how does she do it? And how is the mother of the 9 month old doing it? The common thread is their faith, their walk with God.
Now, I'm Catholic. I believe, I go to mass every weekend, and the prayer of St. Francis is tacked up in my cubicle at work. I rely on many principles of Christianity when it comes to making decisions about how to conduct myself personally and professionally. But these events have made me realize that I am not where I need to be in my spiritual life.
I don't even like typing this out because it sounds so cliche "Christianese" to me, and that bothers me and I can't really explain why. But something is missing from my spiritual life, and that something is something I've known for a long time and practiced in the past: Being a Christian, being a Catholic, is about friendship, relationship with God more than it is about ethical principles.
When we as Christians have that friendship, He becomes our strength. It doesn't mean that those big life losses don't hurt as much in the short term, but it means that long term we are able to derive meaning from them, and that we are plugged in to the ultimate source of strength.
It's kind of a fine distinction. For instance, if something were to happen to my husband, I would believe that he would go to Heaven and that I would see him once I got there, but I would get so lost in the concept of losing our dreams for our life together. Currently my core of faith is weak, and I would not be able to see a path for my life. But the thing about being a Christian is that faith, that God can make something of nothing, that he can make beauty from tragedy, and we can miss out on all that if we are attached to others more than Him.
With lent just around the corner, this is my lenten journey: How do I get back to that place, where God is truly the center of my life, and where I trust Him fully to guide my life, no matter what happens?
*I changed the names of my friend who passed on and my friend his wife, because she is kind of a private person and I am sharing this all without her permission. You very well may know who this is, and that's fine, but I don't necessarily know all of my blog readers in person.
On February 5th, my friend Ethan*, who had been a good friend during some of the years I'd lived in Corvallis passed away tragically in a car wreck. A little over two years ago, he married Charlotte*, who was my roommate for 2 years, also a very good friend during many of the years I lived in Corvallis.
Of course, upon hearing the news I was shocked and sad. Sad because I will not ever see him again in this life, and also nearly unbearably sad imagining Charlotte's sudden life-altering loss. I think the fact that my own wedding is so recent and fresh in my mind makes it hit home even more for me; it is not terribly difficult to imagine how this event would not only mean the death of my partner, but the death of the dreams we had for our future together. It's so much loss, all at once.
I hadn't spent a lot of time with Charlotte and Ethan over the past few years; though I considered them lovely people with whom I had fond memories, I hadn't been particularly close to them in some time. Almost to the point that I wondered if it was truly my place to show up at the funeral. (Because of course it was good that I went, but I worry about these things, ok??)
My brother Steven ended up staying with Zach and I the night before the funeral, so he carpooled with me down to Corvallis. We pulled up and parked in front of our old college parish, over half an hour early, so we sat in the car for a moment before going inside, and actually watched Charlotte walk in. My heart just dropped and I wondered just how I could come up with the right words to say to her.
Of course, we couldn't stay in the car forever, so we eventually walked in. Charlotte was pretty much the first person I made eye contact with and for a moment that seemed like forever, I just froze. I didn't know whether to leave her alone and let her be with her family, or to go and say something.
Then the most amazing thing happened.
Upon seeing me, she gave me a huge, genuine smile.
We walked to each other and embraced for the longest time, shaking and crying a little, exchanged "I love you"s (because seriously, what the heck do you say??), and then spent a couple of minutes connecting like it was 2006 again. We laughed at a mutual friend's goofiness. We had a brief but meaningful conversation about what it had been like for her to both be taken care of and the importance of her kind of mutually leaning on people who were also badly hurting.
And during that time, I marveled in her strength. Don't get me wrong, the woman has a long and difficult journey ahead of her. And no doubt, the adrenaline of finally getting some closure (the funeral was postponed several days due to inclement weather) and being around so many loving people was propping her up a bit, but I've known Charlotte a long time and I know something about her character. There was a rawness to her, this cloud of "what next?" about her, but at her core, she was strong. She had something to hope in.
I also think of a woman I know from high school who lost her 9 month old son about a month ago due to an unidentified illness the child had since his premature birth. She and her husband are grieving and figuring out how to move forward, but maintaining a positive attitude through it all, one that seems genuine, and one I don't know how I'd be able to carry out.
Right now, if I was in Charlotte's shoes, I would not have her core of strength. I don't know how I would move forward, but I'm not ruling out losing my job, burning through my savings, and becoming homeless. So how does she do it? And how is the mother of the 9 month old doing it? The common thread is their faith, their walk with God.
Now, I'm Catholic. I believe, I go to mass every weekend, and the prayer of St. Francis is tacked up in my cubicle at work. I rely on many principles of Christianity when it comes to making decisions about how to conduct myself personally and professionally. But these events have made me realize that I am not where I need to be in my spiritual life.
I don't even like typing this out because it sounds so cliche "Christianese" to me, and that bothers me and I can't really explain why. But something is missing from my spiritual life, and that something is something I've known for a long time and practiced in the past: Being a Christian, being a Catholic, is about friendship, relationship with God more than it is about ethical principles.
When we as Christians have that friendship, He becomes our strength. It doesn't mean that those big life losses don't hurt as much in the short term, but it means that long term we are able to derive meaning from them, and that we are plugged in to the ultimate source of strength.
It's kind of a fine distinction. For instance, if something were to happen to my husband, I would believe that he would go to Heaven and that I would see him once I got there, but I would get so lost in the concept of losing our dreams for our life together. Currently my core of faith is weak, and I would not be able to see a path for my life. But the thing about being a Christian is that faith, that God can make something of nothing, that he can make beauty from tragedy, and we can miss out on all that if we are attached to others more than Him.
With lent just around the corner, this is my lenten journey: How do I get back to that place, where God is truly the center of my life, and where I trust Him fully to guide my life, no matter what happens?
*I changed the names of my friend who passed on and my friend his wife, because she is kind of a private person and I am sharing this all without her permission. You very well may know who this is, and that's fine, but I don't necessarily know all of my blog readers in person.
Monday, January 27, 2014
How Not To Talk To Me
Confession time: I love Facebook. I do! I think at this point, that makes me old. I don't use SnapGram or whatever and I have a twitter account that I don't know what to do with (besides #BeaverFootball, the weekly-in-the-fall local Comcast show about you guessed it..Beaver Football!), and apparently there's something called Whisper, which sounds basically like PostSecret in real time? Who really knows anymore.
Anyway, I love Facebook because of the opportunity to connect to people in a way I wouldn't otherwise, and because sometimes it gives me the chance to peek into someone else's creativity. I especially love reading other blogs, hearing other people's points of view, musings, and just about their life events, their joys, struggles, frustrations, accomplishments...
One thing that I frequently notice on Facebook is links to blog posts saying things like "The 101 Things You Should Never Say To Your Grocery Store Checker."
Ok ok so that's a little sarcastic and hopefully it's taken in good humor. When you're a mother, when you're not a mother, when you're married, when you're not married, when you're not employed after graduating, when you're deciding to delay starting college...I realize all these things come with questions that have a way of digging a knife into your soul. I get it. We could all use a little more tact. Personally, I hate the question "How's married life?" And I realize that's a little petty; that's kind of the biggest thing that's happened to me lately, but when people ask me, do they REALLY want to know? I mean, I could answer "It's going great!" and that would be a legitimately truthful answer, but do people REALLY want to know the nitty gritty? I never know how much to say about it. Ask me "What's the best thing about being married?" or "What's the worst thing about being married?" or "What do you think about adopting a baby elephant?" ANYTHING ELSE! (No offense to anyone who has asked me this question. It's simply a pet peeve and you couldn't have known.)
I'm deviating from my subject again. The point being, I GET that people can be a bit unthinking, and can ask questions sometimes that make you a little angry or tug at your heartstrings in a heartbreaking way. Some questions that commonly get asked are also painfully personal, and you wonder where etiquette has gone.
However...sometimes I read those lists, and I think "How could a person who hasn't been in your position have known that this question was so difficult for you?" Sometimes a person's curiosity is driven by good intention and a caring spirit. And sure, we could all scour the internet for advice on HOW NEVER TO OFFEND ANYONE WITH YOUR QUESTIONS, but at some point we must take some responsibility for setting our own limits with folks. Have we turned into such a passive culture that we can't politely say "I'd prefer not to answer that question." Or "Oh, wow, that's just a little more personal than I feel like talking about."
On the other hand, I think it's fair to keep in mind the other person's perspective when you ask questions. Are you merely trying to satiate your own curiosity? Is your question asking driven by a particular agenda? If not, and if your questions are merely driven by good intentions such as demonstrating interest in the other person or trying to appropriately get to know someone better, and if you have given some good thought to how your questions might be received, then ask people questions! Make a good apology later if needed, but in the words of the star of one of my favorite childhood cartoons, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"
(Serious bonus points if you know who said that.)
I guess my point is, it is good to know what not to say to avoid seriously offending you. But some of those lists border on "it's just going to annoy me if you ask that," and if you ask me, that's a little petty.
Anyway, I love Facebook because of the opportunity to connect to people in a way I wouldn't otherwise, and because sometimes it gives me the chance to peek into someone else's creativity. I especially love reading other blogs, hearing other people's points of view, musings, and just about their life events, their joys, struggles, frustrations, accomplishments...
One thing that I frequently notice on Facebook is links to blog posts saying things like "The 101 Things You Should Never Say To Your Grocery Store Checker."
Ok ok so that's a little sarcastic and hopefully it's taken in good humor. When you're a mother, when you're not a mother, when you're married, when you're not married, when you're not employed after graduating, when you're deciding to delay starting college...I realize all these things come with questions that have a way of digging a knife into your soul. I get it. We could all use a little more tact. Personally, I hate the question "How's married life?" And I realize that's a little petty; that's kind of the biggest thing that's happened to me lately, but when people ask me, do they REALLY want to know? I mean, I could answer "It's going great!" and that would be a legitimately truthful answer, but do people REALLY want to know the nitty gritty? I never know how much to say about it. Ask me "What's the best thing about being married?" or "What's the worst thing about being married?" or "What do you think about adopting a baby elephant?" ANYTHING ELSE! (No offense to anyone who has asked me this question. It's simply a pet peeve and you couldn't have known.)
I'm deviating from my subject again. The point being, I GET that people can be a bit unthinking, and can ask questions sometimes that make you a little angry or tug at your heartstrings in a heartbreaking way. Some questions that commonly get asked are also painfully personal, and you wonder where etiquette has gone.
However...sometimes I read those lists, and I think "How could a person who hasn't been in your position have known that this question was so difficult for you?" Sometimes a person's curiosity is driven by good intention and a caring spirit. And sure, we could all scour the internet for advice on HOW NEVER TO OFFEND ANYONE WITH YOUR QUESTIONS, but at some point we must take some responsibility for setting our own limits with folks. Have we turned into such a passive culture that we can't politely say "I'd prefer not to answer that question." Or "Oh, wow, that's just a little more personal than I feel like talking about."
On the other hand, I think it's fair to keep in mind the other person's perspective when you ask questions. Are you merely trying to satiate your own curiosity? Is your question asking driven by a particular agenda? If not, and if your questions are merely driven by good intentions such as demonstrating interest in the other person or trying to appropriately get to know someone better, and if you have given some good thought to how your questions might be received, then ask people questions! Make a good apology later if needed, but in the words of the star of one of my favorite childhood cartoons, "Get messy! Make mistakes!"
(Serious bonus points if you know who said that.)
I guess my point is, it is good to know what not to say to avoid seriously offending you. But some of those lists border on "it's just going to annoy me if you ask that," and if you ask me, that's a little petty.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
Seventy Times Seven
A blog, written about forgiveness, with mainly other Christians in mind.
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells us that if someone wrongs us "seventy times seven" times, that we still forgive them each time. Those of you accustomed to reading the Bible know that this isn't a word problem like you did in 6th grade math. In fact, it is a little more abstract. He's not saying that by the time someone has wronged us 490 times, that we can just hold a grudge from then on out. I've heard the explanation before that the number seven was a symbol of the infinite, so to say "seventy times seven" meant to keep forgiving...and forgiving...and forgiving...
We often hear that we can "forgive but not forget." That makes sense, I mean, it comes down to a matter of self-preservation. There is a reason that hurting to you or lying to you will destroy your trust in me: I have proven that trusting me leads to getting hurt. And getting hurt doesn't feel good.
So if forgiving isn't forgetting that something happened, then what is it? Maybe it's refusing to feel feelings about what happened. That would be awesome. Can you imagine if you had hurt someone you cared about, and hearing them say they would forgive you meant that, even if they recalled the incident, they would never feel hurt about it again? Even better, can you imagine if forgiving someone meant that you wouldn't ever have to feel the hurt again? That sounds wonderful, and it is not realistic. How many times have I had something rupture a friendship, forgive what needed forgiven, then feel a burning sense of hurt when the incident was recalled in my memory? I wish with all my heart I had that kind of ability, but that is not how things normally happen. There is an answer to what we are supposed to do with this, which I will get to in a bit.
Forgiving, then, has to be about more than declining to have hurt feelings. It has to be more of a conscious choice and less of an emotional state. I am still learning about forgiveness, as I believe it is one of the more complicated spiritual duties. However, I have come to believe that it amounts to releasing the forgiven party from indebtedness to you. (As an aside, I am talking about giving up your right to treat someone poorly or think of them poorly because they hurt you. If, for instance, someone damages your property or steals your money, I believe you can both forgive and expect to be compensated for your material loss, depending on the situation.) It is telling the forgiven party, "I am releasing you from having this held against you."
How difficult is that? If we forgive someone, we can't continue to go around saying "wow, isn't Susie a jerk? She told me I looked fat in my Halloween costume." Forgiveness is incompatible with any sort of retaliation. I'm not very good at it, and I can only conclude that we can't usually do it alone. It requires for asking God's grace to convert our hearts. It requires trusting in, leaning on God to help us. And nobody likes to ask for help.
I was talking to my good friend Wendy about this recently. Wendy, like me, identifies as Christian but also has a Jewish background. She was telling me that Christians have this idea that we should forgive once and it should all be over. She said that this concept of forgiveness is really divine forgiveness, and we are not divine. I think this is why I have struggled with forgiveness, and have been less than graceful when attempting forgiveness. As I mentioned above, if something comes up that reminds me of a hurt I forgave, I tend to begin to feel hurt again. It ends up in a spiral and I end up feeling both angry at the person and profoundly ashamed for not adequately forgiving the first time. However, the Jewish tradition sees forgiveness a little differently. It leaves the divine type of forgiving to God who is capable of it, but what this means is that we may end up having to silently, to ourselves, repeatedly forgive someone for the same incident. This sounds like a lot of work--and it is--but I submit that it is better than the anger and shame spiral. Maybe this is also what Jesus was talking about with the "seventy times seven" stuff. Maybe we are supposed to infinitely forgive people for the same wrong, even if they only committed it once. And pray for a lot of grace to help us accomplish this.
What is really important to know is that God demands that we forgive others. If you are Christian you ostensibly believe that all your wrongdoings have been and will continue to be forgiven, and it is expected that you, in return, also forgive wrongdoings against us. It is even written into what is perhaps Christianity's most common prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Although I must say that I hope God, in his infinite grace, forgives me BETTER than I forgive those who trespass against us, it is clearly still expected that we are going to give it our best effort.
I have a lot of close friendships, and let's face it, close friends hurt each other sometimes. So I am self-consciously admitting that I can, on occasion, hold a grudge--or try, and fail, to fully forgive in one attempt. I also want to say that this does not mean that I have never successfully done so. There are hurts that I have definitely forgiven and emotionally moved on from, and if you and I have had a run-in but maintain some sort of closeness you can feel pretty well assured that I am over whatever happened. (And I hope you are too, as I have rarely if ever had some sort of major conflict where I did not play a major role in the wrong-doing.)
One final thought on this, from a reading I heard at mass this morning, that basically tells us to put away our weapons and use our aggressive emotions for something productive:
"They shall beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks;
one nation shall not raise the sword against another,
nor shall they train for war again.
O house of Jacob, come,
let us walk in the light of the Lord!"
In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus tells us that if someone wrongs us "seventy times seven" times, that we still forgive them each time. Those of you accustomed to reading the Bible know that this isn't a word problem like you did in 6th grade math. In fact, it is a little more abstract. He's not saying that by the time someone has wronged us 490 times, that we can just hold a grudge from then on out. I've heard the explanation before that the number seven was a symbol of the infinite, so to say "seventy times seven" meant to keep forgiving...and forgiving...and forgiving...
We often hear that we can "forgive but not forget." That makes sense, I mean, it comes down to a matter of self-preservation. There is a reason that hurting to you or lying to you will destroy your trust in me: I have proven that trusting me leads to getting hurt. And getting hurt doesn't feel good.
So if forgiving isn't forgetting that something happened, then what is it? Maybe it's refusing to feel feelings about what happened. That would be awesome. Can you imagine if you had hurt someone you cared about, and hearing them say they would forgive you meant that, even if they recalled the incident, they would never feel hurt about it again? Even better, can you imagine if forgiving someone meant that you wouldn't ever have to feel the hurt again? That sounds wonderful, and it is not realistic. How many times have I had something rupture a friendship, forgive what needed forgiven, then feel a burning sense of hurt when the incident was recalled in my memory? I wish with all my heart I had that kind of ability, but that is not how things normally happen. There is an answer to what we are supposed to do with this, which I will get to in a bit.
Forgiving, then, has to be about more than declining to have hurt feelings. It has to be more of a conscious choice and less of an emotional state. I am still learning about forgiveness, as I believe it is one of the more complicated spiritual duties. However, I have come to believe that it amounts to releasing the forgiven party from indebtedness to you. (As an aside, I am talking about giving up your right to treat someone poorly or think of them poorly because they hurt you. If, for instance, someone damages your property or steals your money, I believe you can both forgive and expect to be compensated for your material loss, depending on the situation.) It is telling the forgiven party, "I am releasing you from having this held against you."
How difficult is that? If we forgive someone, we can't continue to go around saying "wow, isn't Susie a jerk? She told me I looked fat in my Halloween costume." Forgiveness is incompatible with any sort of retaliation. I'm not very good at it, and I can only conclude that we can't usually do it alone. It requires for asking God's grace to convert our hearts. It requires trusting in, leaning on God to help us. And nobody likes to ask for help.
I was talking to my good friend Wendy about this recently. Wendy, like me, identifies as Christian but also has a Jewish background. She was telling me that Christians have this idea that we should forgive once and it should all be over. She said that this concept of forgiveness is really divine forgiveness, and we are not divine. I think this is why I have struggled with forgiveness, and have been less than graceful when attempting forgiveness. As I mentioned above, if something comes up that reminds me of a hurt I forgave, I tend to begin to feel hurt again. It ends up in a spiral and I end up feeling both angry at the person and profoundly ashamed for not adequately forgiving the first time. However, the Jewish tradition sees forgiveness a little differently. It leaves the divine type of forgiving to God who is capable of it, but what this means is that we may end up having to silently, to ourselves, repeatedly forgive someone for the same incident. This sounds like a lot of work--and it is--but I submit that it is better than the anger and shame spiral. Maybe this is also what Jesus was talking about with the "seventy times seven" stuff. Maybe we are supposed to infinitely forgive people for the same wrong, even if they only committed it once. And pray for a lot of grace to help us accomplish this.
What is really important to know is that God demands that we forgive others. If you are Christian you ostensibly believe that all your wrongdoings have been and will continue to be forgiven, and it is expected that you, in return, also forgive wrongdoings against us. It is even written into what is perhaps Christianity's most common prayer: "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us." Although I must say that I hope God, in his infinite grace, forgives me BETTER than I forgive those who trespass against us, it is clearly still expected that we are going to give it our best effort.
I have a lot of close friendships, and let's face it, close friends hurt each other sometimes. So I am self-consciously admitting that I can, on occasion, hold a grudge--or try, and fail, to fully forgive in one attempt. I also want to say that this does not mean that I have never successfully done so. There are hurts that I have definitely forgiven and emotionally moved on from, and if you and I have had a run-in but maintain some sort of closeness you can feel pretty well assured that I am over whatever happened. (And I hope you are too, as I have rarely if ever had some sort of major conflict where I did not play a major role in the wrong-doing.)
One final thought on this, from a reading I heard at mass this morning, that basically tells us to put away our weapons and use our aggressive emotions for something productive:
"They shall beat their swords into plowshares
and their spears into pruning hooks;
one nation shall not raise the sword against another,
nor shall they train for war again.
O house of Jacob, come,
let us walk in the light of the Lord!"
Monday, November 18, 2013
How To Start A Life Together Without Racking Up Insurmountable Debt
I have several friends who have recently popped the question or been proposed to, and it made me go way back, in my memory, to 2 months ago when I had my own wedding. ;) I won't mince words: I LOVED my wedding. I loved all our vendors and felt the details came together perfectly. And I managed to keep the cost down, to far below what many people spend. So I thought I would share how I put things together, so others can benefit from it, also so I can give a little shout out to my vendors!
Venue: My home parish growing up. If you want to get married in a church, using one you have ties to usually results in some cost savings. I was lucky to grow up in a visually stunning church! I also rented the parish hall for the reception.
Wedding musicians: If you are Catholic, and you want a full mass, you will definitely want someone who is familiar with how the music works for a mass. I hired Kathy Valdez and her daughter. I wanted the music to be beautiful and simple, so I opted for the piano and a flute rather than the full organ. Expect to pay musicians at least $150/each (they put in lots of practice time to make sure your wedding sounds just so), unless you are friends with them and they will do it cheaper or free!
Dress: This is one of my favorite parts. Want to know where I found this fabulous dress?:
Tuxes: Men's Wearhouse. Black by Vera Wang in (ironically) gray. So handsome! On the pricier end for renting tuxes from MW, but the fact that 10 guys besides my groom rented tuxes (his 6 groomsmen, our dads, my brothers) meant that Zach got to rent his tux free, AND he got a $500 voucher toward a new suit to keep.
Decor: This is where it was SUPER HELPFUL TO HAVE HELP. If you are lucky like me, there will be lots of people who will want to help you make your wedding special. If any of those people have artistic skills, you better take them up on their offer! (Plus, it is exciting to be involved in a wedding--you can bet that if someone offers to help, they genuinely want to.) That said, all the decorations that I used...everywhere...except the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres...cost me far less than most brides. Early on, I got this idea that using wine bottles (labels on, all Oregon wines) as vases for our centerpieces would be a great idea. My wonderful mom helped me expand this idea: white tablecloths, teal meshy material (see picture below) all fluffed up, small mirror on top of that, 3 wine bottles, a teal ribbon tied around the wine bottles, and dahlias from Swan Island Dahlias (orange and a few white) in the bottles. Here is how it turned out:
So, in conclusion, being creative, using things you already have (or can get access to...I encouraged all my friends to drink local wines and give me the bottles for like a year) can save you lots of money and can turn out just as beautiful as anything else.
Bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres: It is tempting to think "they are just flowers" and to believe that they should not be expensive. Flowers on their own are not that expensive (see my post about decorations and how we bought flowers from Swan Island Dahlias), but you are also paying for the florist's expertise in arranging them in a beautiful way (sometimes spending hours wiring things together so they sit just so) as well as timeliness. If you think that you are going to have the time to put together beautiful bouquets the day or two before your wedding...think again. It is worth paying someone for this. I used Distinctive Designs by Denice, and not only was she friendly, helpful, and creative in helping me achieve the look I wanted, the flowers turned out beautifully. As you will see from the following pictures, she also fashioned my mother-in-law's corsage into something that could be worn in her hair, since she was concerned about the fabric of her dress not being able to hold up a corsage.
Let them eat...CAKE!: Huge cost-saving option: Go for a smaller cake (we just did 2 tiers), and then get your flavor or flavors in sheet cakes to feed everyone. Your cake will still be pretty. We went with Lamb's Thriftway bakery in Wilsonville. Their cakes are really tasty, and you get to do a taste test of 6 different flavors with no commitment...for free! (They give you a little plastic container with 6 large cupcakes, each with a flavor you want to test out). Every tier or sheet of your cake can be a different flavor, and one of the best parts: On your one year anniversary, they will bake you a new "top layer" of your cake so you don't have to keep it in the freezer for a year!
Papery-type stuff: I wasn't completely sold on even doing save-the-dates, but since we had a lot of out-of-town invitees, I thought that sending them would be the polite thing to do, to give folks a heads-up. I used Vistaprint and created a simple, pretty card with our names, and all the important "when and where" info for the wedding. For invitations, I went with Ann's Bridal Bargains. They were some of the least expensive invitations I found, the person I spoke to on the phone with questions was kind and helpful, and though the invitations were not especially fancy (no indented lettering or anything like that), I found a design that I just fell in love with, and I got lots and lots of compliments about how pretty they were. The programs were my favorite part. I went with a tea-length design, no folding just front and back, in a design that matched well with our invitations. I had them designed by Danica of Maya Graphics. They were so beautiful that when I saw them, I got teary-eyed! She was willing to work with me on wording things just so, and they came out just perfectly. I cannot speak to price because Danica is a long-time personal friend of mine so I got a special discount ;). But, I can tell you that they were beautiful and captured things just perfectly.
A few other tips and tricks: #1 is get this book:
Be good to your bridal party. They have spent a lot of effort supporting you emotionally, giving you a kick-ass bridal shower and bachelorette party, buying dresses to look just so, getting the right shoes, the right hairstyle, the right jewelry, etc. And they are giving up a whole Saturday to be there for you and help you look amazing! Some of the things I did for my bridesmaids was: Make sure that their bridesmaid gifts were meaningful and special (for me, this meant personalizing each gift), making them necklaces to wear the day of, sending them thank-you cards when they agreed to be my bridesmaids, having goodies for them the morning of the wedding so they wouldn't have to worry about getting up extra early to get breakfast...but what you choose to do is up to you.
Venue: My home parish growing up. If you want to get married in a church, using one you have ties to usually results in some cost savings. I was lucky to grow up in a visually stunning church! I also rented the parish hall for the reception.
Wedding musicians: If you are Catholic, and you want a full mass, you will definitely want someone who is familiar with how the music works for a mass. I hired Kathy Valdez and her daughter. I wanted the music to be beautiful and simple, so I opted for the piano and a flute rather than the full organ. Expect to pay musicians at least $150/each (they put in lots of practice time to make sure your wedding sounds just so), unless you are friends with them and they will do it cheaper or free!
Dress: This is one of my favorite parts. Want to know where I found this fabulous dress?:
Consignment. $500. My alterations lady guesses that it would have been $1100-$1200 brand new. The shop I used was The Shabby Chic Bride in Salem, and I would highly recommend it. Janelle, the woman who helped me the day I went in, did a great job of helping me find a dress that was flattering and within my budget. For the best experience, make an appointment. (Also, take a few bridesmaids and/or your mom, and have brunch beforehand at Word of Mouth Bistro down the street.) The Shabby Chic Bride's website for more info. They also have veils and other accessories...but I did not wear a veil :) Buying a dress via consignment means that you are helping another bride recoup a small portion of the cost of her wedding, it is a more "green" way to go, and there is no stressing about whether the dress comes in on time, because you are buying right off the rack.
Photography: This was one of the things we spent the most on, but I think we did a reasonable job of not overspending. We used Remembrance Photojournalism, and our package included a 1-hour engagement shoot, 7 hours of day-of coverage (only one photographer, although I think adding a second is like $300 extra), 4x6 prints of each picture, plus a CD with all the photos on it so we are able to share them on facebook and make prints whenever. Our total was just over $2000. I do think the packages have changed slightly since we booked. We booked early enough that we were able to get the owner, Stephen. We really enjoyed Stephen's gentle and accommodating personality. If you go with this photographer, one thing to realize is that his real strength is more of a photojournalistic style: he is much better about capturing moments than setting them up, so if you have ideas for poses or specific pictures you want taken, speak up! If you need a photographer that is going to direct things a little more, this is probably not your guy, but the benefit to this is that he is very respectful and will fade into the background. You will not even notice he is there until you go looking for him!
If you are looking for something even more cost-effective, I have a cousin who used Matteson Photography, and was very happy with the price schedule as well as the quality of photos and the professionalism of the photographer.
DJ: One thing I found frustrating when searching for a DJ is that most DJ's did not list their prices online. Cost was a big consideration for me, so I would fill out an inquiry form, and invariably, they would not only write me back with a quote that was much more than I wanted to pay (over a grand for 3 hours of playing music??), but they would then proceed to continue to call me and send me emails several times per week trying to solicit my business. Then I remembered the DJ that played at my cousin's wedding. He was professional and did a fantastic job. I looked him up and found his website, which included pricing, which was crazy reasonable! Kevin Venables is the owner of Northwest Mobile DJ, and he is prompt in answering questions, respectful, accommodating, and did a fantastic job. When, 11 days before the wedding, my dad and I wanted a medley of songs for our father-daughter dance, he put them together within 48 hours so we could practice...this was during prime wedding season and right before Labor Day weekend.
Hair and makeup: Salon L, Canby. Lizzy is professional and has a fun personality. I knew her from high school, so I already knew the second part. I went in for a "practice" appointment, and I loved what she did, modeling a very intricate hairstyle I found on pinterest. However, there were a few things I wanted done differently, so we talked about it openly, and she was nondefensive and very willing to make the (slight) modifications on the big day. It came out perfectly! She did my makeup as well, telling me "I can do everything from fresh faced and natural to full-on drag queen!" I loved what she did, and the benefit of hiring someone to do your makeup is that if you don't normally splurge on expensive makeup yourself, you can have both the benefit of the high-quality stuff, as well as someone who REALLY knows what they are doing applying it. She also gave me some suggestions for what to do with my hair the morning of to make it more workable, and pushed me out of my comfort zone ever so slightly to make sure I'd look my best for my wedding. (Specifically, I was afraid that false eyelashes would not look like "me," but she convinced me to wear them and I LOVE the way they look in the pictures.) Prices also quite reasonable, and she was willing to travel. She also brought along one of her employees to work on a couple of my bridesmaids, and they were also both quite happy with their unique and beautiful hairstyles.
Catering: We used Gary's Barbecue on Wheels. This is a very local catering company, and you will not find a website for them! I know about them because they are old neighbors of my parents. However, they are so down-to-earth, nice, and easy to work with, their food is very tasty, and their prices are beyond reasonable. Keep in mind that they are friends of my parents, but they provided us roasted turkey, potatoes, green beans, rolls, condiments, punch, and coffee...for $10/plate. We used hefty paper plates and silver-painted plastic flatware so there were no cleaning costs, no overhead charge, just $10/plate. I HIGHLY recommend calling them, their names are Gary and Mary Stenger. 503-871-3079
Drinks: We bought wine from Hanson Vineyards, and hired Jason, the owner, to serve for us. He also served some beer that my dad had bought. This was another splurge, although I'm not sure how much it cost exactly since my parents took care of that. Their wine is not cheap, and it tends to be on the drier side, but it is high quality, carefully crafted, with distinct flavors. So good!
Bridesmaid Dresses: One of the first things I came up with for our wedding, design-wise, was the color scheme I wanted: Teal as the main color (dresses, tuxes) and bright orange for an accent (flowers, other details). With that in mind, I also wanted to keep the dresses reasonably affordable, and I didn't want them to look so "bridesmaidy" that they could not be re-worn. Part of this my solution in all of this was choosing a color, fabric, and length and letting my ladies choose their own style. I checked into the old standby, David's Bridal, and they just didn't have many options in jade, plus wearing taffeta is always going to make you look like a bridesmaid. So I went with Alfred Angelo dresses, in chiffon. I think it was a little bit more of a hassle (only certain bridal stores are Alfred Angelo retailers, you can't buy off the rack, and it takes about 3 months for the dresses to come in if you don't want to pay a rush fee), and 0-50 dollars more expensive than DB, but the dresses looked stunning on my ladies and several of them said that they would wear their dress again! (I believe one of them already has!)
Tuxes: Men's Wearhouse. Black by Vera Wang in (ironically) gray. So handsome! On the pricier end for renting tuxes from MW, but the fact that 10 guys besides my groom rented tuxes (his 6 groomsmen, our dads, my brothers) meant that Zach got to rent his tux free, AND he got a $500 voucher toward a new suit to keep.
Decor: This is where it was SUPER HELPFUL TO HAVE HELP. If you are lucky like me, there will be lots of people who will want to help you make your wedding special. If any of those people have artistic skills, you better take them up on their offer! (Plus, it is exciting to be involved in a wedding--you can bet that if someone offers to help, they genuinely want to.) That said, all the decorations that I used...everywhere...except the bouquets, corsages, and boutonnieres...cost me far less than most brides. Early on, I got this idea that using wine bottles (labels on, all Oregon wines) as vases for our centerpieces would be a great idea. My wonderful mom helped me expand this idea: white tablecloths, teal meshy material (see picture below) all fluffed up, small mirror on top of that, 3 wine bottles, a teal ribbon tied around the wine bottles, and dahlias from Swan Island Dahlias (orange and a few white) in the bottles. Here is how it turned out:
In addition, I have some aunts who made some beautiful arrangements for the altar:
Bouquets, corsages, boutonnieres: It is tempting to think "they are just flowers" and to believe that they should not be expensive. Flowers on their own are not that expensive (see my post about decorations and how we bought flowers from Swan Island Dahlias), but you are also paying for the florist's expertise in arranging them in a beautiful way (sometimes spending hours wiring things together so they sit just so) as well as timeliness. If you think that you are going to have the time to put together beautiful bouquets the day or two before your wedding...think again. It is worth paying someone for this. I used Distinctive Designs by Denice, and not only was she friendly, helpful, and creative in helping me achieve the look I wanted, the flowers turned out beautifully. As you will see from the following pictures, she also fashioned my mother-in-law's corsage into something that could be worn in her hair, since she was concerned about the fabric of her dress not being able to hold up a corsage.
Let them eat...CAKE!: Huge cost-saving option: Go for a smaller cake (we just did 2 tiers), and then get your flavor or flavors in sheet cakes to feed everyone. Your cake will still be pretty. We went with Lamb's Thriftway bakery in Wilsonville. Their cakes are really tasty, and you get to do a taste test of 6 different flavors with no commitment...for free! (They give you a little plastic container with 6 large cupcakes, each with a flavor you want to test out). Every tier or sheet of your cake can be a different flavor, and one of the best parts: On your one year anniversary, they will bake you a new "top layer" of your cake so you don't have to keep it in the freezer for a year!
Papery-type stuff: I wasn't completely sold on even doing save-the-dates, but since we had a lot of out-of-town invitees, I thought that sending them would be the polite thing to do, to give folks a heads-up. I used Vistaprint and created a simple, pretty card with our names, and all the important "when and where" info for the wedding. For invitations, I went with Ann's Bridal Bargains. They were some of the least expensive invitations I found, the person I spoke to on the phone with questions was kind and helpful, and though the invitations were not especially fancy (no indented lettering or anything like that), I found a design that I just fell in love with, and I got lots and lots of compliments about how pretty they were. The programs were my favorite part. I went with a tea-length design, no folding just front and back, in a design that matched well with our invitations. I had them designed by Danica of Maya Graphics. They were so beautiful that when I saw them, I got teary-eyed! She was willing to work with me on wording things just so, and they came out just perfectly. I cannot speak to price because Danica is a long-time personal friend of mine so I got a special discount ;). But, I can tell you that they were beautiful and captured things just perfectly.
A few other tips and tricks: #1 is get this book:
That book is how I found out about Alfred Angelo and Ann's Bridal Bargains, and has lots and lots of tips for getting quality products without caving to the wedding industry.
Invitation related tips: One of the most fun things I did in preparation for the wedding, other than the bridal shower and bachelorette party, was addressing the invitations. "WHAT?" you say? "That sounds like it takes hours of labor." Well...it did. If you added it all together. You see, I spent $25 on Panera bagels and mimosa makings, and 7 people came to help me assemble and address invitations. I had a system set up ahead of time, and I kid you not, it took 45 minutes. That was with eating, talking, goofing around. I don't think anyone had to do more than 10 invites. Part of the preparation for this was that on the response cards, lightly in pencil, I wrote a number on each one. That number corresponded to a person who was invited, that way if the person forgot to put their name on the response card (and a few did), I could have a quick reference to be able to figure out who it was. Finally, the last part was a little more indulgent, but after addressing and assembling all the invites, I made a day trip up to Bridal Veil Falls in the Columbia Gorge to mail my wedding invitations. It was a GORGEOUS drive, and there was the cutest little post office:
and the invitations came with the sweetest little postmark:
One thing to keep in mind is that Bridal Veil is very small, and the only reason that the post office is able to stay open is that they are able to sell postage stamps. So when you go up there, do future brides a favor and buy some postage stamps for your thank-you cards!
Other tips: For your own sanity, pick out a few details that are really important to you, and focus most of your energy, attention, and resources on those. If you try to make your every detail perfect, you will go crazy.
Be good to your bridal party. They have spent a lot of effort supporting you emotionally, giving you a kick-ass bridal shower and bachelorette party, buying dresses to look just so, getting the right shoes, the right hairstyle, the right jewelry, etc. And they are giving up a whole Saturday to be there for you and help you look amazing! Some of the things I did for my bridesmaids was: Make sure that their bridesmaid gifts were meaningful and special (for me, this meant personalizing each gift), making them necklaces to wear the day of, sending them thank-you cards when they agreed to be my bridesmaids, having goodies for them the morning of the wedding so they wouldn't have to worry about getting up extra early to get breakfast...but what you choose to do is up to you.
If you are blessed with a supportive mother, include her as much as possible in the planning. Someone gave me that tip, and I'm glad they did. I am likely to want to not burden anyone, but my mom only has one daughter, and only got (had?) to do this one time. I made sure she was available for dress shopping even though I paid for it myself. I bought her brunch the morning of the day I bought my wedding dress. We shopped together for fabric and ribbons for the centerpieces. She helped address invitations, tie ribbons around the napkins containing the plastic flatware for the reception, headed up the reception decorating the day before the wedding...in short, if it wasn't for her, I don't know what I would have done. I know that the day before the wedding, I didn't have the emotional wherewithall to make ANY decisions, so she kindly and generously encouraged me to go hike Silver Falls with a couple bridesmaids while she finished things up. (And honestly, that hike was amazing and stress relieving, and just a great thing to do.)
Finally, enjoy every minute! Don't forget that you have a spouse that you should be spending time with, but all the people are in one place celebrating you! Throughout the reception, try to make the rounds and say hello to as many people as you can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)