I got married in September 2013, and it was a dream come
true for me. On the outside, I might
look like a career woman (and I am, indeed, deeply invested in the work I
do. I love it and it is a part of me!)
but in actuality, that was really how I kept myself busy doing something I had
full control over, while deep down I always knew that I wanted that life
partner, that soul mate. I found him a
few months before my 25th birthday, and the whole thing unfolded at
a fairly slow pace, but I did get what I had always wanted. And it’s amazing.
Prior to that, I did keep my life happy and busy with
school, work, and lots of amazing friends.
In retrospect, I am very grateful that I spent the first half of my 20s
single (for the most part). It lent
itself to some adventures, and to be honest, some extremely memorable
shenanigans.
However, that season of my life was not without its
difficulties. I often lacked confidence
and felt unwanted. Valentine’s day could
fly by and I’d be fine, but for some reason Christmas felt particularly difficult. To this day, I maintain that Christmas is the
most difficult time of the year to be single as a young adult, even when
surrounded by amazing family and/or friends.
Throughout my early 20s, my brothers and I would attend
Midnight Mass together (my parents bowing out of the tradition once our church
switched to actual midnight midnight
mass, as opposed to 10pm midnight mass).
Every year at midnight mass, it seemed I would encounter something
profound. My feelings of worthlessness,
unwantedness, and loneliness made room for the Christ Child. It’s something so difficult to explain, but I
usually felt profoundly sad, and at once so close to God that it made me feel
warm, protected, comforted. It did not
diminish the sadness, but it added something to my life.
I feel that more that other years, 2014 has been a year of
great loss for so many. The last few
weeks, my heart has especially felt for two women in their 20s whose husbands
have passed away. Each faces a unique
struggle that seems almost unbearable, and yet both have in ways demonstrated a
faith in God and a closeness with Him that is unshakeable. One of them is an especially good friend of
mine, and gave someone else the words "The Lord
is close to the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:19. I can only imagine that she is living those
words daily, and that she knows them better than I ever could.
Christmas is a time of year that
can feel magical and wonderful, but it can also sometimes highlight what (or
really, WHO) we do not have. If you have
experienced great loss, or are waiting around for something you desperately
want for your life, I do not believe that feeling sorrowful is a sign of
weakness. I pray that in your sorrow,
you can encounter the Christ Child, and feel His presence; that instead of
taking your trials from you, He walks beside you through them, and shows you
his mercy in a plentiful way.
Whether or not your Christmas is
merry, I pray that it is blessed, that it is sacred, and that your joy runs
deep.
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