How Not To Motivate Someone To Change
A lot of people don’t really understand what I do. “Social work” is kind of vague, because it can take on many forms. It is commonly associated with being a child welfare caseworker, which I used to do, but have (mostly happily, but that’s another story) left behind. Social workers can also be clinicians (therapists, which is my eventual goal), they can be community organizers, they can be administrators (like the current superintendent of the hospital for which I work). In hospital settings, they are commonly associated with making sure a person has access to all possible helpful resources once they leave the hospital. This is more along the lines of what I do currently. However, since I do not work in the transition unit, I do not handle many discharges back to the community. Therefore, a lot of my work has to do with preparing (and motivating) the women I work with to move forward in treatment so they can get movement privileges (being able to be outside the secure perimeter of the hospital with certain ratios of staffing) and move on to the transition unit, where they can prepare to be released back into the community.
I know a little about motivating. I know more about what doesn’t work to motivate, and unfortunately, sometimes what doesn’t motivate are tools we’ve used in our own lives that don’t really work that well, at least in the long term. I’m going to go over a few of them now.
Shame
Using shame to motivate someone to change seems so rational, doesn’t it? It is easy for us to use, because if we want the motivatee to change, there is a reason for our displeasure with them. And it sure seems like if we could only emphasize to them how displeasing their current actions or habits are, and make them feel a little social pain for it (whether it is in front of only us, or many others), they will want to avoid that kind of discomfort in the future, so they will change.
A lot of people don’t really understand what I do. “Social work” is kind of vague, because it can take on many forms. It is commonly associated with being a child welfare caseworker, which I used to do, but have (mostly happily, but that’s another story) left behind. Social workers can also be clinicians (therapists, which is my eventual goal), they can be community organizers, they can be administrators (like the current superintendent of the hospital for which I work). In hospital settings, they are commonly associated with making sure a person has access to all possible helpful resources once they leave the hospital. This is more along the lines of what I do currently. However, since I do not work in the transition unit, I do not handle many discharges back to the community. Therefore, a lot of my work has to do with preparing (and motivating) the women I work with to move forward in treatment so they can get movement privileges (being able to be outside the secure perimeter of the hospital with certain ratios of staffing) and move on to the transition unit, where they can prepare to be released back into the community.
I know a little about motivating. I know more about what doesn’t work to motivate, and unfortunately, sometimes what doesn’t motivate are tools we’ve used in our own lives that don’t really work that well, at least in the long term. I’m going to go over a few of them now.
Shame
Using shame to motivate someone to change seems so rational, doesn’t it? It is easy for us to use, because if we want the motivatee to change, there is a reason for our displeasure with them. And it sure seems like if we could only emphasize to them how displeasing their current actions or habits are, and make them feel a little social pain for it (whether it is in front of only us, or many others), they will want to avoid that kind of discomfort in the future, so they will change.
The problem with this “logic” is that when a person feels
shame, they often internalize the experience.
For instance, if one of my patients was caught with contraband, and we
as the treatment team made a big show of telling the whole ward that Patient A
was caught with contraband for the 5th time this month, and should
be thought of as criminal, this will often serve to reinforce Patient A’s identity
as a criminal, and will therefore likely make her more resistive to change
since she now considers criminality to be just a part of what she is. (Side note: No doubt these sorts of tactics
have been tried during the state hospital’s past, but currently this sort of practice
would be seen as a violation of confidentiality and highly abusive. I have never seen this kind of shaming tried
as a therapeutic tool, and I would be very surprised if one of my colleagues
even suggested it).
So why do we shame?
We shame because it helps us vent our frustrations. It helps us show the shamee how frustrated we
feel by their actions, and we hope that they will take compassion on how they
have hurt us, or so dislike the sensation of being shamed, that they will
change their course in the future.
Nagging
Nagging is another ineffective tool for motivating. Again, it is one that seems rational and intuitive when we try to use it. Our logic is that if we continue to remind the motivee about the change we want them to make (over, and over, and over again…) they will be thinking of it more frequently (as well as our desire for them to make the change) and therefore eventually they will be reminded enough times that they will just snap and change because they are thinking of it so much and because they want to get you off their back!
Nagging is another ineffective tool for motivating. Again, it is one that seems rational and intuitive when we try to use it. Our logic is that if we continue to remind the motivee about the change we want them to make (over, and over, and over again…) they will be thinking of it more frequently (as well as our desire for them to make the change) and therefore eventually they will be reminded enough times that they will just snap and change because they are thinking of it so much and because they want to get you off their back!
The flaw here is that we rarely want to please people who
annoy us. Occasionally, we might make a
change in the moment to silence the nagging, but if the change is made purely
for this purpose, it is unlikely to be a sustained change. Nagging, more often than not, leads to
resentment on the part of both parties, which does not lead to any kind of
change that you want to see happen.
Thinking that you can
force someone to change
Spoiler alert: You can’t. The person has to first want to change, and beyond that, the person’s situation needs to be one where they can make the change. (One thing that could fit in this section is “doing it for them.” That’s called enabling and it, also, hinders real change most of the time.) If everyone who wanted to make a change was able to do so, we would all be Calvin Klein models. Right?? Think about a habit you want to change, whether it’s how you spend money, how much you work out, how you eat, smoking, waking up the first time your alarm clock goes off…pretty much any change you can think of that you want to make, but seem to be stuck on. Now, imagine I came to you, REALLY wanting you to make this change, and asked you “How can I make you change this behavior?” You would look at me funny, and tell me that I can’t make you do anything. And you would be right. Now imagine I were to come to you in a compassionate way, and say something like “I understand that you are struggling in this area, and I know that changing bad habits is really difficult. How can I be most supportive of you?” You may not have any answers off the top of your head, but you would probably feel more supported and cared for. Sometimes that in itself is motivating. Which leads me to my next section:
Spoiler alert: You can’t. The person has to first want to change, and beyond that, the person’s situation needs to be one where they can make the change. (One thing that could fit in this section is “doing it for them.” That’s called enabling and it, also, hinders real change most of the time.) If everyone who wanted to make a change was able to do so, we would all be Calvin Klein models. Right?? Think about a habit you want to change, whether it’s how you spend money, how much you work out, how you eat, smoking, waking up the first time your alarm clock goes off…pretty much any change you can think of that you want to make, but seem to be stuck on. Now, imagine I came to you, REALLY wanting you to make this change, and asked you “How can I make you change this behavior?” You would look at me funny, and tell me that I can’t make you do anything. And you would be right. Now imagine I were to come to you in a compassionate way, and say something like “I understand that you are struggling in this area, and I know that changing bad habits is really difficult. How can I be most supportive of you?” You may not have any answers off the top of your head, but you would probably feel more supported and cared for. Sometimes that in itself is motivating. Which leads me to my next section:
So, I’ve taken some of your go-to (even if you do it
subconsciously) tools off the table for you.
(You probably use some of them in your life. I think we all do. Like I explained, they seem logical,
rational, intuitive. They just usually
also don’t work.) So, what does
work? I’m going to go through some
tactics, and you may be surprised to learn (or not) that these things are
somewhat opposite of the things that DON’T work.
Affirmation
As part of being on one of 3 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy units at the hospital, I go to a monthly half-day training on DBT concepts. One of these half-days was all focused on how to create an environment of positive change. The big take-home message I got from that day was that people loved to be praised. We just do, even if in certain circumstances it feels uncomfortable. The trainer told us “Look for when your patients are doing things the right way, and then praise the shit out of them!” We also did an exercise that pointed out that sometimes people will do the right thing just by happenstance, and we should look for any time that the motivatee does something right, and “praise the shit out of them”, especially when they are in the beginning stages of change. (As the habits become more developed, you can stop praising every little thing.) And be sincere, otherwise it’s just another form of shaming (see above).
As part of being on one of 3 Dialectical Behavioral Therapy units at the hospital, I go to a monthly half-day training on DBT concepts. One of these half-days was all focused on how to create an environment of positive change. The big take-home message I got from that day was that people loved to be praised. We just do, even if in certain circumstances it feels uncomfortable. The trainer told us “Look for when your patients are doing things the right way, and then praise the shit out of them!” We also did an exercise that pointed out that sometimes people will do the right thing just by happenstance, and we should look for any time that the motivatee does something right, and “praise the shit out of them”, especially when they are in the beginning stages of change. (As the habits become more developed, you can stop praising every little thing.) And be sincere, otherwise it’s just another form of shaming (see above).
OMG Don’t nag!!
Don’t. Bite your tongue. Remember, nagging leads to resentment from both parties. You don’t want that!! If you want your husband to take out the garbage when it gets full, tell him once. He heard you the first time. Better than telling him, ask nicely. Use I-statements. (“I grew up in a household where my dad showed love for my mom by doing little things like taking out the garbage, and it would make me feel loved if you took out the garbage for me.”) Then wait. Don’t ask him to do it twice per week. Don’t passive-aggressively leave bags out on the front porch for him to take. (Although tying up the bag, putting it on the front porch, and addressing it, saying “Hey honey, I got the bag of trash already to go, could you take it out on your way out the door?” is acceptable, as long as you are sincere.) Then, when he does it…refer to the first heading in this section! (Hint: praise!)
Don’t. Bite your tongue. Remember, nagging leads to resentment from both parties. You don’t want that!! If you want your husband to take out the garbage when it gets full, tell him once. He heard you the first time. Better than telling him, ask nicely. Use I-statements. (“I grew up in a household where my dad showed love for my mom by doing little things like taking out the garbage, and it would make me feel loved if you took out the garbage for me.”) Then wait. Don’t ask him to do it twice per week. Don’t passive-aggressively leave bags out on the front porch for him to take. (Although tying up the bag, putting it on the front porch, and addressing it, saying “Hey honey, I got the bag of trash already to go, could you take it out on your way out the door?” is acceptable, as long as you are sincere.) Then, when he does it…refer to the first heading in this section! (Hint: praise!)
Assess the person’s
readiness to change. Help them (as long
as it’s appropriate for the relationship) figure out what goal they want to
achieve, and how their current behaviors are not helping them get there.
The key to doing this effectively is doing it without judgment. Otherwise we’re back to shaming. It has to be a very dry, impersonal, almost mathematical look at the situation. For more on this, do a google search on “Motivational Interviewing.” It is what’s called an Evidence-Based Practice, meaning clinical trials have shown it to be effective in promoting positive change.
The key to doing this effectively is doing it without judgment. Otherwise we’re back to shaming. It has to be a very dry, impersonal, almost mathematical look at the situation. For more on this, do a google search on “Motivational Interviewing.” It is what’s called an Evidence-Based Practice, meaning clinical trials have shown it to be effective in promoting positive change.
Finally, Ghandi once said that you have to be the change you
want to see in the world. Don’t expect
someone else to do something you are unwilling to. And if someone you love
wants you to make a change that you know will be positive…do take steps toward
making that change. Michael Jackson had
something to say about all of this too. Start with the man in the mirror
And some resources:
And some resources:
A great read on using positive and negative reinforcement and punishment in effecting change
Post-Palm Sunday mass addendum:
We must believe in the possibility of positive change. Otherwise, Good Friday and Easter are meaningless.
Post-Palm Sunday mass addendum:
We must believe in the possibility of positive change. Otherwise, Good Friday and Easter are meaningless.
