Blogger's Block

I have to admit that my hiatus from blogging has not been intentional.  Nothing that's come up lately has inspired me to write, for a variety of reasons.  I'm currently researching a particular topic, which is halfway code for me saying that I am a little chicken to tackle it.

Anyone have anything they particularly want me to write about?  Or know my thoughts on? Etc...

Quick Thoughts About Free Speech

Free speech is important, and one of the foundational rights of US Citizens.  Lately I am hearing a bit of confusion about free speech. Let's take a moment to examine exactly what the constitution says about it.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

The first amendment actually contains a few rights, so let’s isolate this one for free speech:

“Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech.”

Pretty simple, but I will say that it comes with some limitations, which I will link to later on.

And now, for a case study:

If you haven’t heard about the SAE fraternity at University of Oklahoma, here’s what happened. A bus full of frat boys were on a bus, singing a violent and racist chant, and someone caught it on video, which went viral.  The University president found out, and not only expelled some students, but gave the fraternity members a couple of days to move out, and closed the chapter.

The things these guys were saying were disturbing enough that nobody I’ve heard of is defending them.  It was pretty vile.  But I have heard a few people say “but what about free speech?”

Here’s my argument: their right to free speech was in no way violated.  What the right to free speech entails is that congress shall make no law that abridges it--not that you have the freedom to say whatever you want without freedom from consequences.

For instance, let’s say I decided to tell one of my patients that he or she was human trash, and would never amount to anything.  I would not be arrested, jailed, or fined by a government organization.  But what could (and should) happen is that I get reported and founded for patient abuse, and very likely lose my job and my social work license.  Even with those life-changing consequences, my freedom of speech would remain intact.

You can speak your mind.  You can speak your mind without formal legal action being taken against you (see exceptions below). You cannot always speak your mind and be protected from social sanction or consequence. Nor should you be.

Limitations to the First Amendment

I would easily give up being judgmental, if it wasn't so dang fun.

It's poisonous though.

I started realizing how much I was doing it when I re-upped my commitment to gymgoing.  I would silently complain about the guy who saunters around the gym for an hour but never actually works out, or the soccer mom with a full face of makeup and hoop earrings, or the girl next to me who uses the treadmill in a weird way.  I would make little comments to my husband as we left, and then I realized I was doing it every single time.

But what, really, is the point?  Is it that I'm the perfect exerciser (actually, I'm sure my fellow gym-goers think the odd patterns of running and walking dictated by the c25k program I'm doing seem really odd, and I'm sure someone laughs at the pitiable amounts of weight I'm using on the weight machines)?  Even if that were the case, that's not really a good reason.  Is it insecurity?  To be honest, I really do not have time to care what other gymgoers think of me, unless I'm directly offending them or impeding their workouts.

It's pride!  Pride feels really good.  Judging is fun.  If you share judgments of other people with someone, it can serve as a bonding experience.  But it's poisonous.  It's like eating a bunch of sugar free gummy worms before bed. It feels good and you think it's guilt-free, but before long, you are going to wake up at 2:30am and be in the bathroom for a REALLY long time, and you are going to think your entire insides have liquefied.  (Not that I have any experience with that scenario.)

Really though, the more you judge other people, the more you hold yourself to a really odd idea of perfection, and in the long term, it can lead to greater insecurity, anxiety, and just kind of being a crappier person all together.

I've been thinking about it, and I think for Lent I am going to try to replace these judgments with prayers.  I am going to try to be more mindful of my urge to judge other people (not just at the gym, but all over), and when I catch myself judging I will offer up a quick prayer for them.

To be honest, it would probably be easier to give up chocolate or Diet Pepsi or even wine (maybe...), but this will probably be even more meaningful.

Ash Wednesday is one week away!  Wishing everyone a meaningful and fruitful Lenten journey.

Top 10 movies of the year is BACK!

You all didn't get this feature last year, but we are switching over to a more lighthearted topic now, my top 10 movies of the year, with a special appearance of my husband's favorites!

10. Oculus
For once, an original horror movie!  This featured a brother-sister pair who tried to reconcile childhood trauma perpetrated by a piece of antique furniture.  Sounds silly, but it had me looking around me when I left the movie...in broad daylight.

9. Interstellar
It wasn't perfect, and it took a little long to end (for my taste), but it was suspenseful and heartwarming, with flawed but endearing characters you could relate to.  Worth seeing, probably on the big screen.

8. Sharknado
HEAR ME OUT!!  We saw the RiffTrax version, and it made it EVEN FUNNIER.  There is no better movie to mercilessly make fun of.

7. Guardians of the Galaxy
Quick confession: I didn't really like The Avengers that much.  I went into GOTG thinking it would be similar to that, but I was WRONG!  It was cheesy and hilarious with characters that you couldn't help but falling in love with, including a giant tree that doesn't speak plain English and a tough-talking raccoon-thingy, all set to 80s music.  What's not to love?

6. 22 Jump Street
If you saw 21 Jump Street, hopefully you agree with me that it was a pleasant surprise in terms of "dumb" comedies.  Most of the funny parts were not in the trailer.  The same can be said of 22 Jump Street, which is just plain fun, and self-aware enough to make merciless fun of itself at the end.

5. Gone Girl
I picked up the book in the airport so I could read it on our flight to Hawaii.  It was hard to put down--even in Hawaii!  The movie didn't quite live up to the book, but when does that ever happen?  The book was detailed and layered and it would have been impossible to include everything in the movie.  However, the movie was well done and managed to capture the essential details and then some and had great pacing and casting.  It is a hauntingly disturbing tale, kind of the antithesis of The Gift of the Magi.

4. The Judge
I hadn't seen much about this before seeing it, and didn't expect to like it as much as I did.  Robert Downey Jr.'s soulful brown eyes help him perfectly portray both the ambitious charisma and vulnerability necessary for the role of a hot-shot attorney who comes home for the first time since childhood to see his estranged father after the death of his beloved mother.

3. The Edge of Tomorrow
Tom Cruise must repeat the same day again and again, under the guidance of Emily Blunt, until he gets it right.

2. Nightcrawler
Jake Gyllenhall has always been a great actor, but I think this movie is proof that he just keeps getting better and better--his tics and facial expressions say it all, he barely needs a script in this movie about a sociopathic news filmer who will go to any length to capture the story.

1. Dallas Buyer's Club
Matthew McConoughey's character finds out he has AIDS in the early 90s, and finds a way to obtain the best possible treatment for it, making unlikely friends in the process.

Honorable Mention: The Giver, partly because it was a favorite book from my childhood, and partly because I thought the film adaptation was spot on.

Bonus: Zach's Top 10

10. The Purge 2: Anarchy
9. Tusk
8. 22 Jump Street
7. Gone Girl
6. Judge
5. Dallas Buyer's Club
4. A Walk Among The Tombstones
3. Birdman
2. Guardians of the Galaxy
1. The Edge of Tomorrow

The blessedness of sorrow at Christmas

I got married in September 2013, and it was a dream come true for me.  On the outside, I might look like a career woman (and I am, indeed, deeply invested in the work I do.  I love it and it is a part of me!) but in actuality, that was really how I kept myself busy doing something I had full control over, while deep down I always knew that I wanted that life partner, that soul mate.  I found him a few months before my 25^th birthday, and the whole thing unfolded at a fairly slow pace, but I did get what I had always wanted.  And it’s amazing.

Prior to that, I did keep my life happy and busy with school, work, and lots of amazing friends.  In retrospect, I am very grateful that I spent the first half of my 20s single (for the most part).  It lent itself to some adventures, and to be honest, some extremely memorable shenanigans.

However, that season of my life was not without its difficulties.  I often lacked confidence and felt unwanted.  Valentine’s day could fly by and I’d be fine, but for some reason Christmas felt particularly difficult.  To this day, I maintain that Christmas is the most difficult time of the year to be single as a young adult, even when surrounded by amazing family and/or friends.

Throughout my early 20s, my brothers and I would attend Midnight Mass together (my parents bowing out of the tradition once our church switched to actual midnight midnight mass, as opposed to 10pm midnight mass).  Every year at midnight mass, it seemed I would encounter something profound.  My feelings of worthlessness, unwantedness, and loneliness made room for the Christ Child.  It’s something so difficult to explain, but I usually felt profoundly sad, and at once so close to God that it made me feel warm, protected, comforted.  It did not diminish the sadness, but it added something to my life.

I feel that more that other years, 2014 has been a year of great loss for so many.  The last few weeks, my heart has especially felt for two women in their 20s whose husbands have passed away.  Each faces a unique struggle that seems almost unbearable, and yet both have in ways demonstrated a faith in God and a closeness with Him that is unshakeable.  One of them is an especially good friend of mine, and gave someone else the words "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted" Psalm 34:19.  I can only imagine that she is living those words daily, and that she knows them better than I ever could.

Christmas is a time of year that can feel magical and wonderful, but it can also sometimes highlight what (or really, WHO) we do not have.  If you have experienced great loss, or are waiting around for something you desperately want for your life, I do not believe that feeling sorrowful is a sign of weakness.  I pray that in your sorrow, you can encounter the Christ Child, and feel His presence; that instead of taking your trials from you, He walks beside you through them, and shows you his mercy in a plentiful way.

Whether or not your Christmas is merry, I pray that it is blessed, that it is sacred, and that your joy runs deep.

A conversation that needs to be had, sparked by an event that's too sad to think about

My first full-time job following college graduation was as a Child Welfare caseworker:  I worked with the families of children in foster care, giving them direction and help as to how to reunite as a family.  I have seen my fair share of the effects of child abuse and neglect.  I often say, and mean, that for the most part I loved working with the parents AND children.  The majority of the parents made sacrifices and changes and worked hard to demonstrate their love for their children and ultimately win them back.  There were also some cases where I had difficulty identifying with or caring about a parent in any way, shape, or form.  Sometimes it’s hard to find empathy for someone who hurt their child.

This past week in Newport, Oregon, a woman threw her 6 year old little boy off of a bridge.  He did not survive.  

This is very hard to stomach.  The little boy had autism and pretty severely so.  I can only imagine that as the person who cared for him and loved him the most hoisted him over the railing, he must have been so scared and confused.  My heart drops to think about it.  Rest in peace, little London.

I have been trying to work out what I am thinking about his mom.  She had a son with severe autism and a husband who could no longer support the family due to multiple sclerosis.  Anyone would feel a great deal of stress, but that on its own is no excuse for killing a child.  However, from what I have read, it sounds like she has a history of mental illness which has involved hospitalization.  I’m not sure whether her illness played a significant factor in all of this, but what I have learned about mental illness is how badly stress can exacerbate symptoms.

I have talked to a few people who say they don’t buy mental illness as playing a role in this horrible event.  And I don’t know that it necessarily did, but I just find it interesting.  I think when we see that something excruciatingly horrible has happened, we don’t want to let the perpetrator off the hook.  When we see something like the horrific killing of an innocent child, something in us needs to be angry.  Something like this seems senseless, and to make sense of it we need someone to be angry at, someone to blame.  It’s human nature.

I don’t know about Jillian McCabe, or her particular diagnosis or illness or history or any of that, no more that what is being reported in the news.  And the media will spin the story any way they want to get readers and listeners and viewers, making it even more difficult to know what actually happened.  (Though I do tend to think the fact that she immediately called 9-1-1 makes it difficult to imagine that what happened was 100% pure sinister evil--though stranger things have happened.)  What I do know is that mental illness is real, that it can be gravely disabling, and that it can take over a person’s life more than most people realize.

This past week I saw the movie Fury in theaters with my husband.  After I see a movie, one thing I like to do is go onto IMDB and look up the trivia about the movie.  One thing I found out about Fury is that during filming, Shia LaBeouf intentionally pulled out a tooth and injured his face for the sake of making the movie, and had an intense and dramatic religious conversion.  For a few years, I have dismissed him as a drinking and driving child actor weirdo, but the things he did during the movie strike me as manic symptoms.  I did a quick internet search to see whether anything had been written about him having a mental illness, but there was really nothing concrete.

I also think about Amanda Bynes, and her very public complete meltdown that she seems to have not recovered from.  Media outlets seem to love making fun of her, despite the fact that she has spent months at a time hospitalized for a mental illness.

Let me make a few points clear before I go any further:  1) The vast majority of people with mental illness are NOT dangerous, and are in fact more likely to be victimized than to victimize. 2) A child having a disorder that makes them difficult to care for, whether it is a mental illness or anything else, does not justify harming the child in any way, in any instance.

However.

Sometimes a person’s mental illness causes them to be dangerous to themselves or others.  The best way to prevent anyone being harmed is to get the sufferer of mental illness adequate support in a timely manner.  The sooner the symptoms can be stopped or managed, the better.  As evidenced by two celebrities (one of whom I am, admittedly, merely suspecting of mental illness), there remains a significant stigma around mental illness.  Imagine going through a scary and stressful time, then imagine being afraid of negative consequences associated with asking for help.  Is this how we want things to go?

Here are some things the average person can do to reduce stigma around mental illness:

1. Interrupt!  Interrupt discourse that says that mental illness isn’t real, or that it is a matter of pulling oneself together.  Interrupt discourse that calls people “crazy” in a derogatory way.
2. Do some research: find out what it means to have certain illnesses.  I knew someone once who thought bipolar disorder meant that sometimes the sufferer has a “normal” mood, and sometimes they are depressed, and that with focus, a person can overcome this on their own.  This is not true.  Bipolar disorder involves periods of mania, which can even include psychotic symptoms!
3. This one is hard for some people: Recognize that for many reasons, many people with severe and persistent mental illnesses abuse drugs.  This is a population of people more vulnerable to drug abuse and addiction.  Judging them or blaming them is not helpful, but what is helpful is having empathy and looking at the reasons for this, and for solutions to providing adequate support on a large scale.
4. Each person has his or her own unique experiences.  It is unreasonable to expect one person with schizophrenia to function on a certain level just because you know someone else with schizophrenia who functions on that level.  Mental illness has different degrees of severity, and the kind of support someone has, as well as inborn strengths, make a difference.

Once again, I don’t know London’s mother’s individual situation, I just wanted to start a conversation about mental illness and stigma.  

Please join me in praying for sweet little London’s soul, and for his family.

Too sensitive?

My first case in my first full-time job out of undergrad consisted of a family where the mother was traumatized by the father's abuse of her and the kids, and as a result, had difficulty pulling her life together, while the father did what we asked and got the kids back, but I never felt 100% about it.  I'll never forget that family, and it's a little haunting to think about.

When I started working at the State Hospital, my unit was all female, and all of my patients had some sort of trauma history, many at the hands of men.

Throw in some hurtful instances of sexual harassment in the workplace early in my career, and despite the fact that I have no shortage of wonderful, loving, empowering men in my life, sexism/the objectification of women is like a punch in the gut to me, and I have been accused of lacking a sense of humor or being too sensitive.

I disagree.

Women always have to look out for our safety in ways men do not.  We can be accused of causing our own victimization by doing the wrong thing: wearing the wrong thing, walking the wrong way, being in the wrong place in the wrong time when we "should have known better..."  Even in my current job, which I love, I have been in situations where I have watched my voice and that of my female colleagues be silenced because of our gender, or a smart and insightful respected colleague be referred to as "that little nurse" in a dismissive way.  Gender discrimination is pervasive and it is harmful.

I read and post on a Beaver sports message board (who's surprised?) and I am one of very few women.  Being a rarity in that population, I do admit to enjoying unusual respect at times, so I am not complaining about that group as a whole.  However, on occasion, as one might expect, it turns into the boys club, and someone posted a youtube video today:

I wanted to "have a sense of humor" and laugh about it, but it made me really upset.  Like, "I-was-trying-to-study-for-my-licensing-exam-but-kept-getting-distracted-by-how-angry-yet-self-critical-I-was-feeling" upset.

So here is why I think this type of "humor" is harmful:
1. This guy is maybe a 4, but claiming that a woman has to be an 8 to be wife material, regardless of any other qualities. (I'm assuming that beauty is relative, meaning that about 20% of women are pretty enough for him to marry.)
2. Presumably, by crazy, irrationally mean behavior is included, and he is basically saying that this kind of thing can be overcome by being physically beautiful enough, which is stupid and self destructive for him.
3. If, by crazy, he means mentally ill, that this is like octuple the inappropriate.  People who suffer from mental illness have enough plaguing them, without it being inferred by some hegemonic a-hole that they can only make up for it by being physically attractive.  (I work with several women who, in addition to trying to work toward getting out of a very restrictive psychiatric hospital, also feel awful enough about themselves that they are trying as hard as they can not to eat at all.  It's heartbreaking.)
4. EVEN THOUGH I am an educated, confident, married woman with a husband who tells me every day that he loves me, I felt noticeably worse about my physical appearance and overall self after watching this video.
5. It simplifies half of the population into two basic characteristics.  Women can apparently be rated on their physical appearance and level of "crazy" (whatever the heck that means) but qualities like kindness, intelligence, industriousness, and spirituality (among MANY others) apparently don't play a role in all of this.

I could keep going, as there are so many facets to the offensiveness of this video, but I will let you all come up with your own ideas.

Bottom line: sexism is hurtful.  Please think about the effect you are having on others if you feel the need to laugh about it to increase your own self-worth.